Tainted Love

Double trouble.

*** Trigger warning! Episode contains displays of depression and self harm. 18+ only!***

Although Jessie had agreed to give me a ride I could tell he wasn’t very happy about it. The one question I prayed he wouldn’t ask me spewed out of his mouth after we’d been in the car for less than thirty seconds.

“So what the f**k is this all about?” In an effort to avoid his question I acted like I was more interested in watching him drive as he slammed his car into reverse before peeling out of the parking lot loudly. It didn’t take a genius to notice he was extremely mad at me.

“To be honest, I don’t really know.” Although that probably sounded like a lie to him, it wasn’t. In a roundabout way I didn’t know why Ryan was losing his mind over me at the bar.

“So what, are you and Ryan like together or something? Is everything you said to me earlier a f*****g lie?” Stopping at a red light he made full eye contact with me as he waited for my answer, his expression was a level of mad I hadn’t seen from him before but I wasn’t afraid of him.

I don’t think so, I thought to myself. This guy wasn’t allowed to treat me like some little pet that he could kick whenever he felt insecure about himself. “First, I don’t know who the f**k you think you’re talking to like that, but I know it’s not me.” This was the first time since I’d moved to college that I truly let my New York accent shine through.

“Second, Ryan and I have never been more than friends with the same friends. If you're going to act like this I’ll just get out and walk, I don’t need anything from you.” The end of my sentence came out as more of a yell as I turned to reach for the door to get out.

Before my fingers had even touched the handle I felt him reach across the seats quickly and grab my arm harshly to stop me from leaving.“Don’t do this.” He whispered to me softly. In order to avoid looking at him directly I decided to stare intently at the black floor mat in his car, I could see my own dirty footprints smeared across the plastic from tonight and I wondered if he was the type of guy to be upset about something like that.

I slowly pulled my right hand off the door handle before reaching across to his hand on my other arm forcing him to loosen his grip. “Just please drive me to the bar.” My words came out in a barely audible whisper as I pulled both my arms to my chest so he couldn’t touch them again.

-

The ride to The Bullpen was a short one and I was surprised too see how packed it was for four thirty in the morning. We sped into the parking lot and flew into a parking space quickly. Before the car had even stopped I pushed my door open and just about fell out of the vehicle from the shoes I was wearing, I made a mental note to dress more appropriately the next time someone had a mental break down over me. The sound of people arguing could be heard loudly as I reached the door, bracing myself for what was about to happen I stepped into the dingy bar with my head held high.

Once inside I observed a mostly sober Andrew holding back an extremely intoxicated Ryan by his arms. Andrew was begging Ryan to stop screaming and yelling, Jordan was standing close by with the look of shock and desperation in her eyes. A pile of smashed glass was scattered on the floor around them and it strongly resembled empty beer bottles.

A few seconds later Jessie flew in the door behind me and his presence caught Ryan’s full attention. Completely abandoning the guy he was screaming at he turned his anger towards me instead.

“Why Tasha. Why?” Ryan wore the drunk expression of someone who was totally heartbroken and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why I was smack in the middle of his breakdown. “What does he have that I don’t?”

“Ryan it’s not what you think... I don’t date and you know that. Me and Jessie are just friends.” I spoke softly as I gestured towards Jessie expecting him to back me up. I could have never known how wrong that statement would be as Jessie answered me angrily.

“Friends? Are you seriously going to say that we are ‘just friends’ after everything we did tonight, and the last few days for that matter?”

This was my absolute worst nightmare and I could see the sympathy in Jordan’s eyes as the conversation began to unravel. Something deep down sparked inside me from Jessie’s statement and before anyone else could speak another word my face became murderously calm.

“You know what? f**k both of you, I don’t owe either of you a goddamn thing!” I threw my hands up into the air dramatically before pushing my way harshly through the front door, I accidentally knocked over two girls as they were on their way inside.

“f**k you.” One of them screamed over her shoulder but I barely heard it above the buzzing in my ears and the burning in my chest. I was thankful that my eyes hadn’t betrayed me before I left the bar, but I was now crying so intensely I couldn't breathe or see.

-

Kicking off my shoes I started running as fast as my feet would allow me, I was absolutely distraught and before I knew it my legs had brought me to the beach; I was crying so hard I could barely breathe as I ran down the edge of shore and fell down into a heap.

If only she were here.

The thought of her made me cry harder than I ever had in my life. Sitting down in the sand I looked towards the separation between the ocean and the sky, I couldn’t help but notice how large and beautiful the moon was tonight.

Before I could register what I was doing I started removing my all my clothes and personal possessions, folding them into a neat pile on the shore topped by my cellphone. With one final look towards the heavens I took a deep breath and began to run towards the ocean. After a few short seconds I had reached water that was chest deep deep when I heard someone calling my name. “Tasha stop!!” I ignored the voice as I swam farther out.

I was finally at the point where the waves were so tall they were crashing over my head making it harder for me to breathe but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with her, she needed me to be there to take care of her and I wasn’t with her. With one final sob I took a deep breath and dove down under the water as far as my legs would take me.

After a few second I decided to look up at the waves crashing over my head, the water had a strange glow from the moonlight and I revealed in the peacefulness of this place. Underneath the powerful waves the ocean possessed a force that could only be translated as serene. It felt like I was awake within a dream, from the way the water clogged my ears of all sound, to the darkness that consumed all light around me.

My lungs had started to scream from the lack of air but I pushed that thought away as I forced myself farther and farther down into the depths of the unknown. Closing my eyes I envisioned a world in which she still existed, allowing the happiness to consume me I gave my consciousness the permission to let go.

My body became weightless and after a few moments her face was a clear vision in my mind, reaching forward I could almost feel the soft texture of her skin against my fingers before I slowly faded into total and complete darkness.

-

Something had grabbed me forcefully by the waist and I could feel myself being pulled away from her as I was hauled roughly to the surface.

Stop.

The feeling of my skin being dragged against rough sand made me contemplate if the devil had finally come for me, was I being dragged to hell? I could feel someone shaking my shoulders violently as they forced me to sit forward, a few seconds later something was hitting me firmly on my back. Full consciousness flooded back to my brain all at once and I started to cough up ocean water that burned my throat more than a straight shot of tequila.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw through the blur that someone was standing over me yelling something at me that I couldn’t really hear because of the water that was still stuck in in my ears.

“-would you do that!” I tried to rub the burn from the saltwater out of my eyes but it was useless. Large goosebumps popped up on my skin from head to toe as I started to shiver uncontrollably, I could still faintly hear someone yelling at me as I tried to get my bearings. In an effort to conserve body heat I pulled my hands and feet in close to my chest, I was strongly contemplating running for the ocean again but I knew that I would be stopped before I even reached the water.

“Just leave me here.” I said as I laid back in the sand stretching my body out wide, I was now so cold I could no longer feel my limbs anyways. One of my favorite reasons for living in this part of California was the amount of stars you could see at night, it was almost like looking at heaven itself when I gazed up above myself. It was the only thing that had actually given me hope that there was another place she could have gone to when she left.

I finally realized that Jessie was the one who had pulled out of the water because he was standing over me pulling his shirt off to give to me.

“At least put this on.” I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

“Tasha please, you’re going to freeze to death out here. Your chest and face are starting to turn purple.” He was pleading with me at this point. I looked up at him standing over me and saw the desperation and anxiety in his face.

“Please, I'm sorry.”

Not wanting to cause him any more pain I sat up and allowed him to put his shirt on me. It smelled strongly of his cologne and warmed my skin despite the water that was dripping down my back from my saturated hair. Sitting down next to me in the sand we both watched the waves crash in silence for a moment.

“Can I tell you something?” My own voice sounded foreign and muffled to me, like a distant echoing tone from an old television lost in the walls of an empty house.

“Yes, you can tell me anything.” I reached down to pick up a fistful of sand and allowed it to fall slowly through my fingers like an hourglass.

“My sister didn’t leave.” I spoke in a voice barely above a whisper. Jessie was about to be the first person I had actually told the truth since I got college.

“She died.” I said with a strong sob as my emotions started to crash over me like the waves of the ocean. It felt like I was going to fall through the earth from the weight of the sorrow in my heart. Without warning he placed his hands on either side of my face and guided me so I was forced to look him directly in the eyes.

Gently brushing his fingers against my cheek to wipe the tears that had fallen I felt my heart start to warm from his touch. Before I knew what I was doing I put my hands firmly against his chest and pushed his back down against the sand straddling his body in one movement.

“What are you doing?” Before he could ask another question I pressed my lips to his eager to feel something, anything. My bare core pressed against his pants firmly and I ground my hips down into him in search of the pleasure I knew he could provide me, our kiss became more lustful as my body screamed for relief. He gently lifted me up and flipped me over onto my back.

“I want you to f**k me.” I said breathlessly into his mouth. This wasn’t how I usually spoke and the words felt dirty on my lips but I didn’t care. His eyes searched mine for some clarity in what I’d just said,

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” He had the look of concern in face but I ignored that and pushed on.

“Please, I need to feel.” I was on the brink of tears again as I said these words directly to his soul. I could see his body relent to my answer and I slowly tried to unbutton his pants but my fingers were so stiff with cold I couldn’t.

“Let me do that.” He whispered softly. I felt my heart start to freeze over again slowly from his lack of touch. I waited for him to pull his clothes off and watched as he removed a condom from his wallet before discarding the rest of his clothes completely. I closed my eyes and used my hands to experience his body, his skin was still very warm despite the cold breeze from the ocean; every part of his body was covered in muscles and let my hands lazily trace over the valley of his abs.

“Look at me.” He said breathlessly. I could feel him gently lay himself back on top of me as he slowly pressed himself inside of me. I let out a gasp that was half surprise and half pain and opened my eyes to look at him.

“Am I hurting you?” He asked quickly as he tried to pull himself away. I grabbed his back and held him in place.

“Just be gentle with me, this is only the second time I’ve done this.” I knew he could see the genuine honesty in my eyes. I leaned my head up eager to be kissed by him again and relaxed. I could feel the warm pleasure starting to wash over me and pushed him firmly inside of me with my hips. Jessie's body felt strong and comforting against my skin as I started to reach my climax. I was letting out small groans as he worked faster, his strong arms holding me close to his chest as he whispered in my ear, “You’re so f*****g beautiful.”

My back reflexively arched itself hard as I spilled over at the same time as him, the friction of him inside my core had put me over the edge. He let out a loud moan as he reached his final thrust, his body fell limply against mine. We were a sweaty pile of tangled limbs and my hair was all knotted up but I didn’t care. I had finally figured out what could thaw my cold dead heart.

“Are you okay?” He had pulled himself off of me and reached down to put his pants back on, discarding he used condom in the sand.

“Yes, I’m better than okay, I’m sorry I fell apart earlier.” I hadn’t actually told anyone the truth about my life for years and I was embarrassed of what he’d think of me.

“I just don’t understand you.” He said while laying back in the sand next me. We both gazed up at the stars and I laid my head against his hard warm m stomach. This moment was so peaceful I didn’t want to sully it with my negativity.

“That’s because I choose to not let you understand me. If i’ve learned anything In my time spent on this earth it’s that whenever you let someone in, you have to trust the fact that they won’t destroy you.” I could feel a small piece of my soul revealing itself to him, a piece I hadn’t let anyone see since her.

“Can I ask you something?” He said cutting the silence between us, he took my stillness as a yes and continued on.

“Why didn’t you tell me your sister had died, you led me to believe that she left on purpose?” He had begun to stroke my hair while we continued to gaze at the stars together.

“Why would I? She’s gone and there’s nothing you or I can do about it now. Her death wasn’t what hurt me the most, it’s what died inside me after she left. I like to pretend that she chose to leave, it hurts me less.”

“What about your parents? Do you have any other family you can rely on?” This question made me burst out with a sad laughter, it rang through the empty beach in echoes.

“I don’t have any parents, I was in foster care with her our entire lives. In the end we were with one family for about 5 years and they are the definition of evil. They never loved me or her. I had to fight for everything we ever had, no one ever cared.” I’d never actually admitted to anyone before and I could tell he was just as overwhelmed as anyone would be. Most people lived in this picture perfect world where everyone was happy and no one ever died.

“And please don’t sit here and tell me you feel sorry for me because that’s not what I want. It’s just nice to tell someone who I really am. Even if you only understand me for one short moment, it’s a moment longer than anyone else has.” It felt good to be honest with someone, even if it was only for one night.

“Can I go back to your dorm with you? I don’t really want to go home tonight.”

“Yeah sure, you should maybe get dressed though, I don’t know how the guys at the dorm will react if you show up half naked.” He said with a small chuckle. “I brought your shoes you left behind at the bar, they’re in my car.”

“You actually grabbed my shoes?” To be honest I was surprised he actually cared enough to do that after everything Ryan had said about me. “Yeah of course I did.” He spoke in a subservient tone, like I was crazy to expect less of him.

-

I was extremely tired from the events of that night and decided to recline back in the passenger seat as Jessie drove. I pulled my hands and legs up to my chest and slowly fell asleep, the lull of his car engines blocking out any thoughts or dreams that attempted to permeate my mind.

I felt the car come to a stop under my body, but I was so tired I couldn’t wake myself up. Someone was gently lifting me up and out but my brain was so tired my eyes had glued themselves shut, I couldn’t open them even if I needed to. I felt Jessie carrying me up the stairs slowly but gently, and eventually felt the soft plush of a bed beneath my body as he laid me down to rest.

“I’m going to change you into something more comfortable, your dress is covered in sand and dirt.” He whispered to me softly. His voice resembled something close to an angel and I agreed without argument. I felt soft gentle hands against my back as he lifted me forward to access the zipper on the back of my dress. One swift motion later I was completely nude aside from my panties.

I heard him cross the room to grab something but I was too exhausted to guess what, my bones felt as if I could sleep for a thousand years. He finally returned to the bed and gently pulled something over my head that I assumed was one of his shirts. Guiding my arms through the holes I felt him pull the shirt down to my knees in an attempt to cover me up. The soft pressure of a blanket being pulled over my body was the last sensation I registered before I fell into a sea of deep sleep. For the first time in a long time my slumber was devoid of her.

*EDITORS NOTE*

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