Tainted Love

The night that never ends.

With Jessie leading me out of the dorms I finally noticed how tall he actually was. I stood naturally at five foot six and he towered over me easily, I’d even worn the tallest pair of wedges I owned yet I still felt small standing next to him.

“How tall are you?” I asked him randomly.

“Six foot five, why?”

“I don’t know, I was just curious.” I answered him with an uninterested tone to my voice. The last thing I wanted to tell him or myself was that I found him attractive, I knew better.

We easily fell into step next to one another as we walked along the weaving sidewalk on the campus, the smell of freshly cut grass was strong in the air and I had to actively dodge insects that had jumped into my path. The silence between us became uncomfortable and I decided that I should probably get to know the man I’d spent the last few hours alone with.

“So what brought you to this college particularly?” In my foolish attempt to break the awkward silence I inadvertently asked a pretty personal question without realizing. I watched as Jessie pondered his answer for a moment before he spoke.

“I spent my time as a freshmen taking online courses so I could help take care of my mom, she fell into a deep depression when my dad died last year and she just wasn’t the same after. Once she finally came out on the other end of things I decided it was time to move on with my life.” He answered me in a striking way, I could tell this was a conversation he didn’t really want to have but I was actually surprised by his honesty.

“What about you, are you originally from North Carolina?” He asked as he expertly shifted the conversation off himself.

“No I’m actually from New York but not the city like everyone assumes. I’m from upstate New York, where there are more trees than people.” I intentionally spoke my answer as vaguely as possible because this was also a conversation I didn’t want to have.

“So what brought a girl like you to a place like this?” He asked with curiosity. The answer to this question was something I had been practicing for years but I was still nervous to recite it to someone new.

“When my sister left I couldn’t stand to be in the same town anymore, there was nothing left nailing me down to that crappy place. So, one day I woke up and decided I wanted to be as far away from there as I could. I applied for colleges all around the United States and took the first one that offered me a spot.” I said with a convincing shrug. Jessie’s stared in my direction with an unconvinced expression but he thankfully didn’t push the subject.

“That explains a lot, you’re not really like the other girls I’ve met.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked half curious but mostly annoyed.

“Nothing, just that you’re not like the other girls here.”

Before I could ask him to elaborate his slightly rude statement I realized two things: the first was that we had arrived at the library, the second was that I had forgotten to bring the books I needed to return. Reaching for the handle to the door I swore audibly.

“Sometimes I surprise myself with how stupid I am. I literally forgot to bring the only thing I needed, my books.” I let the handle fall out of grasp as I mentally punished myself.

Reaching past me to grab the handle Jessie glanced down at me with disdain. “You know a girl like you shouldn’t swear so much, it’s not attractive.”

“Bite me.”

I spent the next twenty minutes following him around as he gathered his books for the start of term, It was only a few weeks away and it was startling how the time flew by. I watched as Jessie pulled a book down from a high shelf effortlessly, it was titled ‘Computer Graphics For Manufacturing’ and it sparked my curiosity. “What degree are you aiming for?” I asked inquisitively.

“Advanced engineering, most would have said that was obvious by the book I just pulled down.” There’s that arrogance again, it was almost like he couldn’t help but be an asshole.

“What about you?” He asked carelessly.

“English major, I want to be an author or a journalist. I haven’t fully decided yet but I have time.”

-

It was almost annoying the way the blonde bimbo behind the counter was checking him out, but it was equally annoying the way Jessie was flirting with her.

Why am I getting jealous? I barely knew this guy, and he’s definitely not my type; he was way too arrogant.

But for some reason, something deep down made me want to tell this girl off for flirting so openly with him in front of me. I took a deep breath and told myself to pull it together, I didn’t have a boyfriend; nor did I want one. All guys were the same and from what I knew so far Jessie was the generic type that didn’t strive for monogamy.

Once he’d finished dazzling the library counter girl with his perfect smile and good looks we finally left. “Do you want to go get something to eat? I’m starving.” In a typical situation I would have declined a dinner date, but my stomach was rumbling loudly in protest from only being fed alcohol.

“Yeah sure, but I don’t have a car so we’ll have to take the bus into the city,”

“Where do you want to eat?” I said while trying to remember when the next bus would be.

“Wherever you want to go, and we don’t have to take the bus I have my car with me.” He said as he pulled his keys out of his pocket and jingled them in my face.

“Alright well where did you park your car?”

“In front of your dorm room.”

“We better get a move on then, because it looks like it’s about to start pouring rain any second.”

The blue and beautiful sky from an hour ago was now covered in storm clouds on the brink of popping.

As predicted, it started pouring about three quarters of the way through our walk. I helplessly put my hands above my head as I ran next to Jessie trying to save as much of my dry hair as possible but it was a losing battle. By the time we reached his car I was out of breath and soaking wet. I threw myself into the leather covered passenger seat and closed the door as quickly as possible to save as much dry seat as I could, it was really starting to come down. I used to think I was fortunate to be so close to the beach but I quickly learned that this was a consequence that I hadn’t actually considered. Jessie flew into the seat next to me and started pushing his long hair out of his eyes with his hand.

“So where to?” He asked.

“Jims diner, it’s not far from here. They have the best burgers in town.”

“Okay but you’ll have to direct me, I don’t know where that is.”

He pushed his key into the ignition and the car started with a loud rumble. I didn’t know what type of car it was but I did know it was an older sports car that had a standard transmission. Before I left my foster home, my foster dad had taught me the basics about driving standard cars. I wasn’t perfect at it but I did know enough to drive if I had to.

Looking down at his stereo system I noticed that he had a CD player but no aux cord.

“How do you listen to music in this crappy old car?” I said just to annoy him. It worked well enough because he snapped his head over to face me directly with the look of pure asshole in his expression.

“This car is a classic, don’t talk s**t about things you don’t understand little girl.”

Wow, point taken; don’t talk crap about his car.

“It was just a joke to get under your skin, I see it worked-“

“-And also, don’t call me a little girl ever again.” I said with a bold face. He was so aggravating sometimes, i didn’t know what other girls saw in him other than his superficial looks.

“So how do you listen to music in this classic car?”

“There’s a CD case in the back seat.”

As I reached back to grab the case he slammed the car into reverse and expertly backed up. Flipping through the first few pages I noticed he listened to a lot of the same music as me. I finally rested on an album by Blue October and curiously looked up at him as he watched me intently sorting through his music.

“You listen to Blue October?” I asked inquisitively.

“Yeah so?” He had an arrogance to his voice I was starting to get used to. I popped the CD into the dash player and sorted through until I found the song I was looking for. Into The Ocean was one of my favorite Blue October songs, and I was surprised to meet someone who actually listened to this band.

The drive to Jim’s diner was a short one with just one left turn off the strip about 2 miles down. As we pulled into the poorly maintained parking lot I noticed that most of the rain had subsided thankfully. I also noticed in the rear view mirror that the hair I had spent so much time on this morning was now a full on frizz ball. Moving to open the visor I hoped that his classic car had mirrors. Thankfully it did and I spent a few seconds trying to tame my frizzy mane. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Jessie was staring at me intently.

“Is there a problem?” I asked, annoyed.

“Nope, I just think you look better like this.” This statement shocked me and confused me because I knew I looked like crap. From my frizzy hair to my smeared mascara, what on earth was he talking about? He was probably just being an asshole like always, but before I had the chance to ask him what he meant he had reached for the door handle and was stepping out into the parking lot.

-

The inside of Jim’s diner wasn’t much to write home about, but it had a familiar comfortability about it for me. It was pretty small inside with only a handful of red patched up leather booths, on my left side was a long counter covered in homemade desserts; a handful of tattered leather stools located underneath. Walking in ahead of Jessie I went straight to my favorite booth and sat down with a smile when I noticed my favorite waitress Carla was working.

She was a big boned short haired blonde woman in her mid 40’s who loved gossip, but I couldn’t complain because she always got my order right.

“So what's so great about this dump?” Jessie said as he sat down.

“Dump?” I said with disdain.

“You know I’m really starting to wonder how anyone can tolerate you. You’re always so negative.” This guy was really starting to get under my skin.

“So what’s good on the menu in this beautiful cafe?” He said with a sneer.

“Depends on what you like, honestly the only thing I’d avoid is the chicken sandwich, it tastes like biting into a boiled water balloon.”

With a laugh from Jessie he glanced up at me from his menu.

“Is that something you eat often?” His voice was laced with curiosity and humor. I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful his eyes were when he smiled.

-

Carla eventually made her way over to us, her eyes bright with curiosity over the man I was sitting across from.

“Well, long time no see little missy. Who’s your friend?” She asked, gesturing towards Jessie.

“This is Jessie, he's friends with Ryan. You know Ryan, he’s the one that is too pretty to be a boy.” I answered with a smile.

“Oh how could I forget! Well it’s nice to meet you Jessie.”

looking up from his menu he gave her a small but perfect smile. I marveled at how flawless his mouth was and wondered what his lips felt like.

Stop it. You do not like this asshole no matter how cute he is.

“I'll just take my usual Carla.”

“I’ll get the same thing as her.” Glancing over I watched as he leaned himself back casually in the booth with a small smirk.

It’s going to be a long night.

Carla walked away to put our orders in with the kitchen and Jessie looked over at me from his relaxed position.

“Since we’re probably going to be hanging out a lot more because of our friend group, we might as well get to know each other a little better.” I stole a glance at my phone after saying this, it was already four pm and I bet anything Jordan was getting tipsy as we spoke.

“What do you want to know?” He said suddenly looking me fully in the eyes.

“I don’t know. What’s your favorite color?” It was the first question that entered my mind, his eyes were easy to get lost in if you weren’t ready.

“Black, because it absorbs all colors. What about yours?”

“I guess it’s sort of a tie between green and aquamarine.” I said while twisting a straw wrapper between my fingers anxiously. I could tell I’d peaked his interest by his expression.

“Why those two specifically?”

“Because green is my little sister's favorite and aquamarine is mine.” I answered him with the realization that this was a conversation I shouldn’t have started.

“Why would your sister's favorite color be one of yours?” He eyed me curiously.

I never noticed the small scar above his left eye that cut into his eyebrow until now, maybe he wasn’t as perfect as I thought.

“Because she left.” I spoke bluntly hoping this would end the conversation, but it wasn’t as easy to get him off my back as I would have thought.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he paused as he glanced out the dirty old cafe window next to us.

He didn’t seem like the type of guy to feel sorry about anything, and his answer only added to my list of his confusing emotions. Thankfully Carla had shown up with our order saving me from having to elaborate any more in our conversation.

-

She gracefully sat down the double order of burgers and cheese fries, the plate hadn’t been on the table for barely a second before I reached forward and popped one into my mouth; the taste was heavenly. My stomach answered with gratitude and part of the small stress knot that had formed in my chest from our conversation was disappearing. My brain started to think that if there was heaven this was it, but I rudely reminded myself that wasn’t true.

If this was heaven she would be here with me.

Thankfully there wasn’t much room for conversation because were both starving. I reached forward after a few minutes, contemplating eating another fry but decided against that, my stomach would probably pop if I dared one more bite of anything.

I signaled to Carla that we were ready for our bill and as she was clearing our plates I noticed the second thing I had forgotten today as I dug through my purse.

“Seriously, I guess I forgot my wallet too!” I threw my arms into the air angrily. “Looks like I literally didn’t leave the house with anything I was supposed to bring, typical.”

“It’s okay I got the bill,” he said with a wink.

“You’ll just have to owe me.” This guy is completely full of himself.

-

The drive back to my dorm was mostly silent, I had scavenged his CD case again and found a burnt CD with the song Where is My Mind by The Pixies. It was almost scary how alike his taste in music was to mine. Pulling up to my dorm room I spectated as he parked across four spots in the lot like a jerk.

“I guess I’ll see you tonight.” I said as I struggled to pull myself out of his car, it was so low to the ground I could barely get out properly.

“Yeah sure, what time will you be there? It's 6:30 now.” He glanced down at his watch.

“I don’t know, I'm probably going to have to shower again because of the rain ruining my hair. Probably around 8ish?”

“Okay sounds good, I’ll see you around.” His tone sounded as if he couldn’t care less. I started to walk away when he blared the horn at me, whipping my head back confused I walked back over to his driver window,

“What’s so important?” He was really pushing it in the annoying category lately. Everyone outside the dorm was now staring at us.

“I just thought you might need this,” he threw me the cell phone I’d left on the seat. “See you around.”

Before I could register anything he’d slammed his car into first gear and peeled off. The people standing outside on the sidewalk shot me dirty looks at the noise as I was walking up to the door. Screw them, I can’t control what this prick does.

-

As I headed down the long hallway to my room I prayed that Jordan wouldn’t be inside with Austin. The handle to our room required a little bit of finesse combined with downright force to open correctly. After shoving my shoulder against the door a few times the lock finally popped free and I fell through the door unstable on my heels.

Thank god, she’s not here. Plopping down on the bed I reached for my book that Jessie had been reading earlier, I was thankful to see that he was decent enough to mark my spot in the book with my bookmark. How sweet of him, not.

“Round two.” I spoke aloud to myself as I peeled my still damp outfit off from this afternoon off and stepped into the shower. Thankfully It was much quicker this time around because I didn’t have to shave anything. Just as I was shutting the water off so I could step out my phone vibrated with a text message, reaching over to the sink I about fell out of the shower when I realized it was another message from Mariah.

‘No one has heard from you in weeks Tasha, your family is starting to get worried please call me.’

I threw the phone down angrily against my bed as I exited the bathroom, there goes my night. Glancing up at the calendar hanging above my side of the bed I realized that she was right, the month of July had flown by. Pushing that thought from my brain I sat down at my vanity and assessed my hair and face.

The first thing I realized looking into the mirror was that I definitely looked like I hadn’t slept in weeks, which was honestly the truth. The second thing I realized was that my hair had actually gotten worse in the frizz department. Ignoring the buzzing I heard from my phone I walked to the small kitchen and thought about how a little bit of alcohol could take the edge off this night.

“What the hell,” I spoke to myself aloud. “Austin doesn’t turn 21 everyday.”

With that statement I grabbed the bottle of tequila out of the cabinet and poured myself a shot that I downed easily. I eventually ditched the shot glass for the bottle and walked out of the kitchen toward the bathroom.

After almost an hour my frizzy mane was tame and I decided to use Jordan’s curling iron for once. Once I’d finished I contemplated if my hair actually looked good, or if the half a bottle of tequila made me think I looked nicer than I actually did. I eventually decided on borrowing a dress from Jordan to wear tonight, it was a party after all.

The tight jean dress I picked didn’t require a bra and hugged all my curves in all the right places, it also made my legs looked amazingly longer than they actually were. I finally settled on a pair of navy lace up heels that matched the dress perfectly, my outfit was complete. Sitting back down at my vanity I applied a little bit of eyeliner with a few coats of mascara. I practiced a fake smile in the mirror and was surprised to see I almost passed as someone who was genuinely happy.

On the way out I contemplated if I should wear a jacket or not but decided against it, at the last second I stuffed my bottle of tequila into my purse. With one last look in the bathroom mirror I grabbed my makeshift key necklace and threw it on. In Austin’s words,

‘Tonight was going to be banger’.

-

The walk to Austin’s frat was pretty short but I was instantly regretting my choice of footwear, I could already feel the blisters forming. Pulling my phone out of my clutch I blatantly ignored the message from Mariah and clicked Jordan’s contact to send her a text to figure out where she was.

‘Are you at Austin’s frat yet? I’m on my way there now.’ My phone vibrated instantly with Jordan’s reply because it surgically attached to her hand. My head was already swimming from the tequila as I tried to read her reply.

‘YESS GIRL WHERE ARE YOU?!’ It took all of my concentration to walk and type without tripping over my own feet.

‘Be there in five.’ My phone vibrated almost seconds after my reply. How does she type so fast?

“Okay hurry! Austin just smashed through the coffee table and Jessie is kissing Emily! This party is insane!”

Emily.

The mere mention of that girl's name sent fiery rage through my veins. She was the girl that basically everyone in our college had been with. I knew it was only a matter of time before she made her way into Jessie’s lap but it still annoyed me. The mention of Emily helped me forget about how bad my feet were hurting and I started walking as fast as my drunk legs could carry me.

About a block from the frat house I realized that I could already hear the bass from the music. Rounding the corner to alpha sigma psi I noticed a large crowd of what I assumed to be freshmen covering the lawn. There was a circle forming around one guy with his shirt off chugging a funnel of what was probably cheap beer.

“Chug Chug CHUG!” The group of guys screamed in unison. Doing my best to not be noticed I quickly headed for the porch, a loud whistle sound emitted from just behind me.

“Hey babe, haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Screamed the drunk freshman on the lawn. Without skipping a beat I pulled open the dirty screen door and yelled back,

“Yeah, and that’s why I don’t go there anymore!” The door fell shut behind me and I heard the group of guys laughing and whistling at their friend being shut down so easily by me.

The inside of the frat house was packed more than I’d ever seen it before. There was barely enough room to breathe, let alone walk through the house. I finally located Jordan and Austin who were sitting down on the tattered black couches placed in the middle of the room. To my surprise Jessie was seated with a drunk Emily draped across his lap, Ryan sitting next to them. As I got closer I realized they were immersed in a game of truth or dare.

Great, my favorite game.

I plopped down into the empty seat next to Jordan and Austin. “Happy birthday Austin.” I screamed over the too loud music. He looked up at me with a huge sloppy grin. “I’m just happy you came, Tasha.” His eyes were so bright I knew he was probably already wasted.

Jordan popped her head up from Austin’s lap and gave me a huge grin. I could tell that she had already had too much to drink as well, but she wasn’t my responsibility tonight so I didn’t care that much. Glancing over towards Jessie I noticed Ryan was giving me a confused look.

“You look really good Tasha.” I smiled back instead of answering. “Yeah, my dress looks really good on you.” Jordan said with a smile.

“But never mind that, now that Tasha is here it’s her turn, truth or dare.” Her expression wore the same devious grin I had grown used to seeing at parties, whatever she was going to try to get me to do I was all for it.

I pulled the bottle of tequila out of my purse and took a long chug trying to chase away my sorrows for the night, but i soon realized I was actually already pretty drunk from what I had drank before I left the dorms. It was out of my character to drink this much because I was usually the responsible one, but tonight I didn’t want to be that girl. I wanted to be carefree with no problems, worries or sorrows. With the biggest grin I could muster I answered Jordan, “Dare.”

I guess this answered warranted a stern look from Jessie, who I might add hadn’t looked my way since I arrived. He shifted uncomfortably with Emily in his lap and intently gazed at me while Jordan decided my fate. My words were starting to slur but I didn’t care that much, tonight was about letting loose and I wasn’t about to let some womanizer prick ruin it with his prude stare.

“I dare you to chug the rest of the bottle of tequila you brought.” Jordan said surprising me, I thought for sure she was going to dare me to kiss Ryan for the hundredth time.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, she looks like she’s had enough.” Why was Jessie so concerned with me drinking? I glanced up in Jessie’s direction before I decided that he wasn’t my dad, and he couldn’t tell me what to do. Tipping the cold bottle against my lips I downed it as fast as my throat would allow. Looking over at him again I realized that he was trying to shove Emily off his lap, his face looked like he was about to explode with anger.

Slamming the bottle against the broken coffee table I screamed “done,” over the music. Jessie had now successfully shoved Emily off his lap and was looking at me like a scorned father who had just caught their child doing something bad. I dismissed his stare by sucking the lime I pulled off of Jordan’s full drink. “I’ll be right back, I have to use the bathroom.” I yelled to everyone over the music.

I slowly stood up so I wouldn’t trip over my own shoes and noticed that Jessie’s eyes still hadn’t left me, his expression filled with blatant annoyance.

He’s not my father. If he doesn’t like it, he should look.

-

I quickly realized that the bathroom downstairs had a line of about ten girls and guys impatiently waiting so I decided that the bathroom upstairs would be a better bet. As I made my way upstairs the music was slowly starting to drown itself out until it was at a tolerable volume. This part of the house was basically deserted aside from a small group of guys at the end of the hallways. Coincidentally one of them happened to be the guy from outside who was chugging beers and whistling at me.

Apparently he really likes my outfit, I thought with sarcasm as I listened to him catcall me while I walked down the hallway. I finally made it to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. Bracing myself against the sink with both hands I slowly started to realize that maybe drinking the rest of that bottle was too much. I was wasted and starting to feel nauseous.

I made my way across the bathroom to the toilet when someone started banging on the door. “It’s occupied, I’ll be right out.” I screamed loudly, the banging commenced.