Troubled

SIXTY FIVE

CORA PHILIPS

Call it shame, call it self preservation, call it whatever you want, I didn't leave my room for the rest of the weekend. Up until Monday morning. I could not go outside and face the thoughts of being pathetic, calling out for Kyle even when I knew he wasn't there. Just because I was in pain. I have been in pains worse than this, and I called on no one, there was help from nowhere. Why did I start today? I was weakening. And I didn't like it.

Mom was like Kyle in the beginning, sweet and kind, thoughtful, looking for solutions. Well, until she couldn't do anything else, look at we are now. Kyle would be just like that as well, he will get tired of me. He'll grow tired of watching me hurt others and him, he will grow tired of the random zoning out. And it was the most terrible idea to get attached to him, it was the worst idea to lean on him for strength and help. It was unbecoming. And it would lead right back to where mom left me emotionally when she suddenly detached herself from me. I had to become strong again, learn to lean on just myself, lest I fade away like I did when mom decided I was not worth the effort.

I slept through the rest of Saturday, ignoring the knocks on my door from Xander telling me he was leaving. I also ignored Dad when he asked me to come down for dinner. To become strong one doesn't willing jump into the arms of people waiting to offer themselves. I had to be strong on my own.

Hunger though, hunger was not the one you could fight off. I crept downstairs silently when everyone had already slept off. There were untouched Indian take out food boxes, it was obvious dad kept it there for me to find. I ate it quickly before going back up, never to be seen again till Monday morning.

Trust me I wouldn't have even gone back to school if mom didn't offer her stay at home skills. I don't know how she managed to convince dad to go to work and that she could handle me. I was so irritated to be in the same house as her that I had to leave.

"You.. you came out.." her eyes were wide as she watched me. It hit me then that she was not expecting me to come out of my room.

"I'm going to school."

Breezing out of the house, I start out in the direction of the school. The familiar route stick out to me, I had followed the route so much that I could follow it with my eyes closed.

I had a goal today, a goal I was determined to follow. Avoid Kyle Garcia at all costs. He was too dangerous, I was relying on him too much. I even 'accidentally' didn't plug in my phone for the night, just so I didn't text him again, or answer his texts in case he sent one. I wouldn't lie and say I was not looking forward to seeing my old phone light up with notification from him. I anticipated it, for some reason. So I don't plug it at all.

Thankfully, most of my classes were shared with just Xander, only Xander. I prayed I woul not run into Kyle at least for today, one day at a time, I would get used to not seeing him.

"Cora!!" I hear Xander's dramatic squeal as soon as I enter the class.

I almost disappear into my hoodie, the ferocity in which I hated attention was wild. I wanted to melt into the background.

"Hey Xander."

He threw himself at me in a giant hug.

"I missed you so much, I even sent a bunch of texts, you never responded to any of them."

Despite myself, I feel myself go warm with delight. To have people care genuinely, without expecting anything in return was a blessing. And with Xander, I know I was not relying on him entirely, he was a safety net.

"I forgot to charge it, sorry. What did the texts say?"

He waved his arm dismissively.

"It's fine, I was asking you were doing since you were asleep before I left. It seems you are not doing good. Did you try to sleep?"

The truth is, I haven't slept much. The dreams were worse, and I couldn't draw them well because I didn't hear his voice. So I sent half finished pieces to my art teacher. He sent a bunch of emails asking for updates. He sent me a response or two but I haven't been bothered enough to read any of them.

"Did something happen with yourself and Kyle?"

I busy myself with my text books, playing with them in a bid to avoid Xander's question.

"Cora? Are you fighting with Kyle?"

"No, of course not, why?"

"I just thought you were, he called multiple times to see if I heard from you. If not for the fact that he was over a lot this past few days, and didn't want to upset your mom, he was going to come check on you himself.

I am not ashamed to say my heart did a little happy dance at the sound of that.

Luckily, Xander let the topic die and started to force feed me what has been happening in school all the while I was away, truth be told I didn't care, never have, never will. Well until I hear a rumor about myself.

"What do you mean people in this school thinks I'm forcing myself on Kyle?" Smoke was almost coming out of my ears.

Xander winced

"It's all hearsay, you don't believe in them, I don't, we think it's useless remember?"

I shook my head, this was different, this time it's about someone else too, I was fine with me getting blasted by their childish attempts, but someone else? Kyle? I didn't like that one bit.

And I was out for them. For each and every one of them who spread those lies.