Troubled

FORTY ONE

CORA PHILIPS

I felt restless. Sleep wasn't coming, yes I did try to sleep. Maybe once the effect of the sleep wore off, I would bounce back and be able to draw to my heart's content. Drawing had never really been a problem for me, I never had an artist block where ideas stopped flowing. I prided myself with being an unstoppable force of nature in that aspect, like a river that ran for ages with nothing clogging it's path. This was the first time this was happening to me. And it made me restless. I always counted on my drawing to give me peace, comfort, it was my safe haven. So yeah, I guess I was panicking. What's there not to panic about?

I get up from my bed in a fluid motion. The time I got ideas flowing was when he spoke. So if I could get someone to talk at length while I drew, there would be no problem. I decide to call Xander instead. Kyle could not be where my drawing prowess began. It shouldn't be tied to him at all.

Xander picks up the phone on the last ring, I almost thought he wasn't going to pick, imagine my relief when he did pick up.

"Hey Cora, what a nice surprise." He commented. He did sound surprised.

"What do you mean?" I make my way to my table. The goal was to keep him talking long enough so I could draw something.

"I meant the fact that you have had my contact for as long as I can remember and you never thought about calling me, and it's a very nice surprise that you finally did call me. Especially when I wasn't expecting it."

The time he used to say all those things I managed to arrange a clean sheet of paper, and a few pencils. I should have done that before calling him. Now he wasn't talking.

"Is that a good or bad thing?" I attempt to make him talk more.

"It is a good thing Cora." He says it like he is explaining to a child.

But that's not what I needed from him, I wanted him to really get in depth. Talk at length.

"How did rehearsal go?" I try again.

I poise over the sheet of paper so I can start drawing.

"It was mind blowing, I knew there were a lot of things I didn't know about piano yet, I mean I'm still learning. But I lack in so many areas I'm not so confident about the talent hunt any more."

I got nothing. I still couldn't draw. I almost groan in frustration. He did give me deep stuff here, he talked at length. What more could I want?

"I heard you play Xander, and I think you are selling yourself short."

Talk. Talk. Talk.

"I don't Cora, do I have what it takes to win?"

"Does it really matter that you win?"

He stays silent for a while. And that's not what I was waiting for. I want him to spill his guts.

"If it does matter that you mean no matter what, then you practice. Practice till you absolutely can't anymore. Practice more than you breathe."

"I don't have to win. I just want to know what it would feel like on stage, being clapped for by so many. I need that, so I know the direction I will be facing."

I force myself to make a stroke, but that was it. I couldn't do anything more.

"Well then Xander, I will be in the audience. Make me cheer you on."

I could tell he was smiling.

"I'll be counting on you, do you think you could make Kyle cheer me on as well?"

"Kyle has to be there as well? I'm not enough?"

"No no, of course not. I'm just saying if you're the only one in the crowd cheering you would feel lonely, you need someone to cheer with you."

I roll my eyes.

"Oh yeah, before I forget. The recital that was postponed? The new date is Saturday. If you're still interested."

"Sure of course. Is it still going to be at your house?"

"Yeah, unless you want to see her in person."

"In your house is fine. Can I invite Kyle?"

"You already know it." This time he was grinning.

"I gotta go make myself dinner. Talk tomorrow?"

"Yeah sure, are you feeling better now?"

I almost forgot about the gashes on my arm.

"Yeah, better."

"That's a relief. Thanks for calling."

"It's no problem." I say before disconnecting the call.

That was the most futile and at the same time semi useful phone call I had ever made. I wanted to draw something, anything while we spoke. But I only managed to make a stroke. Who was I kidding?

I stare at my phone. I want to confirm if it was true. I want to know if somehow, my artist block was caused by not hearing his voice. I sound like a crazy girl in a romcom.

"Just send a casual text." I tell myself.

And then I spend two minutes contemplating what to send in the text. Which was very unlike me.

"What is wrong with you Cora? Just send the damn text."

And I do, I compose the most relaxed text I could possibly think of.

"Hey, you free Saturday? The recital Xander wanted us to see is showing on Saturday."

I press send without hesitation. If I did hesitate, I would have added Hing's that weren't very me like.

A response comes almost immediately. My hands are clammy and I don't know why. Was this the feeling of having friends that I have been missing out on? Having someone respond to your text and make you excited to see what they sent.

"Will you be there?"

I don't hesitate to type back.

"Yeah, Xander will cry if I don't show."

"Then I will be there as well." His reply was instant, he was waiting for me to respond. It was obvious.

I remember he said I intrigued him. I wonder what about me was intriguing enough.

"Promise not to make me feel like s**t?"

His response is a little late.

"I will never make you feel like s**t again. Ever."

He promised. And for some reason, I believe him.