Troubled

FORTY SEVEN

CORA PHILIPS

Once upon a time, a very far away time. When my mother still had hope for me, she used to brag about me to her friends. Especially with my hair. At such a young age, my hair was extremely pretty. It grew out silky, soft and long. While other parents looked at my hair with admiration, they would ask what hair products I used. My mom would say with pride,

"What hair products can be this effective? She was born this way."

The parents would stare at me in disbelief, and when they thought mom wasn't looking, they asked me instead.

"Hey honey, do you remember what shampoo your mother used for your hair?" They would ask me with a patronizing smile.

I would shake my head and try to defend mom, plus it was true.

"It's natural."

Their smile will vanish, they will eye me up and down. Then tsk in my direction.

"Look at what your mother is teaching you, at this young age you are already lying."

I wouldn't have to defend myself because my mom would be there already.

"And what are you teaching your children? Sneaking off to bully my daughter to tell you what?"

They would leave. But my mother continued to show me off, show my hair off. She would brush it lovingly every time before we left the house. Once we got down from the car, she brushed ait again. Making sure every mother's eye watched her as she sung praises to my hair and brushed it.

Because it made my mother happy, it made me extremely happy. Every child wanted to make their parent proud you know. I wasn't any different.

She got me different hair pins, different colors of hair ties, they were all very pretty of a truth, I felt even prettier wearing them.

Until everything fell apart. It was hard for me to look at my hair and not remember what I used to have. So I started to hide it, especially since it made people stare longer. They stared and wondered what hair products I used that my hair got to touch my waist, be as silky as ever, it was so soft to touch that it was like melting butter.

"You really don't have to cut it." Kyle whined.

We were in the car, he wasn't driving yet, he only turned the air con on, I was so grateful for that. I thought the sun was going to melt me.

"Didn't you hear anything I just said? The hair is a reminder of what I can't anymore, it also brings unnecessary attention to me." I told him the story about my hair and my mom. When I announced I was going to cut my hair, he screamed bloody murder. I was not going to do it unless I explained myself.

"I actually love your hair. I always wondered what you hid under the hoodie. Until I saw it. It was so pretty I was caught off guard. Yes I am part of the population that will stare at your hair in public. Shamelessly."

I sigh at the sincerity in his voice.

"What would you have me do then? It's hair it will grow out again."

"Have you been considering this for a while or it was a spontaneous idea?"

"Spontaneous idea."

He smiled approvingly.

"Then off we go to the saloon."

I frown at him as he starts to drive away.

"You weren't on board with the idea few minutes ago. What changed?"

"The fact that I'm not the boss of you, and therefore shouldn't control your decisions. I don't have any right."

I face front, looking at the empty stretch in front of me. I felt a type of way that I can't explain, but I know it's a good feeling.

"Then why did you ask about spontaneity?"

He smiled,

"Also the fact that you're making a spontaneous decision. You don't do that. And if you've been thinking this for a while, it could mean something else."

I don't answer. He meant off myself. He didn't want me to cut my hair because he didn't want me to off myself. He cared so much about someone that could smash his head open if it hits her to do so.

"Brace yourself, once we pass here, we will be having reception again. And that means calls and texts messages will be pouring in."

He looked grim.

"If it's that bad, we can both turn on flight mode. It will be the same thing."

I had come to care for the boy I didn't know few weeks ago, I didn't want him to have that expression. He was a happy, bubbly child, he should continue to be.

"That is something we can do. Let's do it now before the messages start pouring in."

He was excited. I laugh as I did as he asked, I turn on air plane mode on both our phones and set them down.

"I have a question for you." I repeat what he asked me.

He chuckles, he understands what I did. It was kind of what we did, our thing you could call it. We use each other's words.

"You're going to ask me anyway, so go for it."

"I have never seen you smoke around me, are you faking your addiction?"

He smiles softly.

"Unfortunately, I am not. Before this time, I couldn't go thirty minutes without a smoke. Not even twenty minutes."

"So Miss Suzie's sessions are working?" I turn to him and ask.

He snorts,

"Has she done anything productive with us since the day we started?"

"No."

He shrugged with a smile.

"So you are developing your own will power?"

He laughed,

"This is my secret, you will have to promise to trade one with me."

I don't even think when I say,

"Deal."

"You didn't even think about it, Cora, what secrets of yours have you been itching to tell me?" His tone was light and teasing.

I had to roll my eyes at him.

"It's you Cora."

I turn to face him, confused as to what I did. Also, I liked the way my name rolled out of his mouth, like he was saying something sacred, he wasn't in a rush to say the name, he said slowly.

"What did I do?"

"Since I say you, I don't get the urge to smoke anymore. At least when I'm in your presence. It feels like I'm high just watching you. It's kind of embarrassing to admit. But yeah, the feeling I get when watching you is so much better than smoking."

A lump had formed in my throat. What was this? Why were my hands clammy? My heart was pounding so loud in excitement.

"Is that why you always want to be close to me?"

"Yeah.. and no, I like being close to you."

I feel heat rush up my neck. I turn away from him.

"Why?" It came out as a whisper.

"I guess each time I'm with you.. I want to live a little longer."

It was like someone sucked all the air out of the car. I can't breathe. I fan my cheeks with my hand.

He chuckles a little.

"Are you feeling hot?"

I nod. He adjusted the air con control buttons but it doesn't still work. I look out of the window.

"Hmm? No no no, you can't do that. Tit for tat. A secret for a secret."

I swallow.

"Since the day you talked me through my drawing. I haven't been able to draw without hearing your voice." I murmur.

"What?!" He exclaimed with wide eyes.

"I don't know.. I tried talking with Xander, it didn't work. It's just you."

He smiled.

"I guess you and I have to stick together from now on. We somehow engraved ourselves in each other's lives."