The Silence of Love

The Journey

I hadn't slept all night.... how could I? I was so extremely excited. It was finally here the day I had worked so hard for!

Everything was packed and ready to go. The kids were waiting in the car with Mum.

Have I remembered everything? I dont know, what if I forgetting something? It'll be fine. there's shops there, you've made lists and checked everything off. I'm sure it'll be fine! Im right! Im just overthinking. We need to hit the road.

It's so dark out that my eyes are hurting from the lack of sleep and the streetlights. God, I need a coffee or something to get me going. The kids are giddy in the back. They have waited a long time for this, too, all snuggled up in their blankets with their eye masks and nexk cushions ready for the long journey ahead. They deserve this! We all do!

Picking up their other grandmother on the way were finally on the motorway, its dark still, but the conversation is good. I have my coffee, the music is playing and the kids are snoring! Let's do this!

It's a long drive. Mum has fallen asleep, too. Just me and Janet are awake. The conversation has trailed off, and the sun is starting to rise, and we are just over halfway. But i desperately need to pee. Too much coffee! Where's best to stop? We will have to hope the next services is a good one! Ahh, there, 10 miles. It's not too bad! I can wait that long, I hope!

Pulling off into the services, I wake the kids up. It's 7am. We can have breakfast whilst we're here if they're any good. They're grouchy and groggy when I wake them. Pheobies' golden hair sweeps her face in its messy bed head way as she stretches her arms, more than ready to exit the car. We all clamber into the services, Pheobie's chattering away as if she hasnt literally just been asleep, oscar dragging his feet as he just wasn't ready to wake. How can 2 children look so similar but yet be so different?

They're nothing alike. He is shy and quiet, so deeply loving and kind. Where as Pheobie, my darking girl shines so bright lighting every room she enters with her unwavering confidence and beauty. But even with all that, she still has so much empathy and compassion for others, its almost like she feels everything they feel. Although I hope thats not true, thats a gift no one would want their children to bear. The wait of a thousand heartbreaks from a thousand different people is too heavy for one person to carry alone.

We eat quickly, nothing fancy. It is so busy in here already, you know it's the height of summer when the services are rammed by 7.30 am. We really dont want to stay longer than necessary. We still have a long way to go.

I grab another coffee on the way out! I need it. I'm I'm still so tired.

The end of the M5! The last of the motorway before our destination! Finally! I was starting to think this motorway would never end! It has just been one long road of grey tarmac for nearly 250 miles, the bordem, the continuous never-ending lines on the road that eventually all blurred together. Car after car cutting and swaying from lane to lane. Heres the turn-off!

Whoa, holy sh**t. I grip the steering wheel as tightly as i can! That bend was bigger than i thought! Where in the hell did that car come from?

I can feel the car slidding across the road. My grip isn't what it should be. Why are my arms too weak? Oh no, are we going to die? We are going to die!

It's so silent in the car. Everyone is holding their breath. I'm holding my breath. Why is it so quiet? The car swerves away... it didn't hit us? It was so close i could see inside their car. How in the world did they not hit us? Are we still slidding? No, I've got this.. the car is back in its lane and was another half a mile down the road. Did i blackout? How did I manage to save us?

"Mummy!"

"Mummy!! Are we okay?"

How long have they been shouting me?

"Yes, yes, sweethearts were fine now, that crazy car just got a little too close."

I need to stop! Im so shaken by this whole thing, and so tired too! Why on earth didn't I sleep? What was I thinking about getting behind the wheel with my beautiful children in toe when I hadn't slept? What kind of stupid selfish mother am I?

Mum and Janet are both talking now, both in disbelief.

A sign, next services 5 miles.

We are going to stop again, I'm desperate for the toliet, too much coffee." I try to make it lighthearted, but Mum could tell. I could feel her gaze through the rearview mirror.

The next service station can't come soon enough. It's a horrible little building. The paint is peeling, and it is crammed full of holiday makers. How can one little shabby old building hold so many people?

Letting the kids out of the car, I start to panic. What if they get lost? It's so busy, what if we can't find each other again? Why did we stop here?

Because! You almost killed us all, with your reckless overtired driving skills, that why!!

"Mum, stay with Pheobie, please don't let her out your sight." Mum knows why I say this. Her confidence is a blessing and a curse. I genuinely worry that if someone was to offer her a ride, she would quite happily jump in the back of a strangers car! She has absolutely no concept of danger no matter how many times I tell her! She sees the good in everyone. How I wish, she never has to see the true evils of this world!

"Janet, can you please watch Oscar, I need to nip to the toliet and grab another coffee."

"You do know if you grab ANOTHER coffee, we are going to have to stop again for you to pee, youve started yourself on a nasty cycle you know" laughing as she crosses the car park towards the toliet block.

She's right! I know she's right, but the coffee is the only thing that is keeping me upright. I have never been any good on no sleep, and even worse, because this is the longest journey I have ever made.

I have been driving 5 years now, but most of my driving consists of school runs and commuting to work. It's been a hard few years getting my life back on track, so there hasnt been a lot of free money for any travel. This is our treat to remember that hard work pays off.

Finally, we are all back in the car and on our way again. There's no need to stop now. This is the last stretch, I can't wait to get there, but all I want to do is sleep. check in to the accommodation and sleep just an hour or two. That's all I need to get on with the rest of our day.

Here! we are finally here. The kids are bouncing up and down in the car, singing and cheering. I know they can't wait to get out and start exploring.

"Wait here, I'm just going to check in and get the keys,"

There's a big reception in front of me, but not many people queuing to check in. should I be worried? It's 11 am. I know we are early, but I'm sure they won't mind too much, right?

WRONG!!

"I'm sorry, miss check-in isn't until 4 pm. we can take your phone number and call you when your unit is ready if you'd like?"