Ruin Me

Two

“We’re here.” He said

“Thank you.” I said quietly.

Now it was time to see if she was alright and possibly see the rest of my family. I usually avoided them. I was a ghost until I wasn’t one any longer. I had learned to enjoy being invisible to them. It was the safer option. Sometimes being seen got you hurt. Well it’s time I thought walking through the hospital doors.

The sight was frightening. I held my son to my chest remembering the last time I walked down whit halls. The last time I smelled the chemical scent of cleaner and sickness. Hospitals were a place you went to die.

My heart beat faster with every footstep. A part of me felt I was walking towards my own demise. I knew it was red icy Lou’s. I was only here to see how Ava was doing and then I was going to run out of there and leave. I would forget the scent of ammonia and hold my son close while we watched Elmo on the small screen. No more death and no more sadness.

“It was my fault.” I whispered.

“No it wasn’t.” A voice said from behind me making me spin around fast

“You gave me a heart attack!” I quietly whisper yelled at Ozzy seeing him stand there with a smirk on his face “Make some noise next time.”

“I’ll try to do that next time sexy.” He said making me roll my eyes

“Why did you come in here?” I asked

“To make sure you’re okay.” He said

“Oh thanks….” I stopped for a moment trying to gather my thoughts. “That was really nice of you.”

“Yeah they usually say I’m a nice guy.” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“I hate hospitals.” I said my voice soft and distant “I always have.”

“Why’s that.” He asked touching my shoulder and making my heart almost jump from my chest.

“Please don’t touch me.” I said panicked, “I like to see people before they touch me.”

“Oh? I’m sorry didn’t know that would offend you sexy.” He said taking his hand away. I almost felt bad maybe I should have been more gentle with my tone?

“It’s okay.” I said softly. I was so on edge and I didn’t know why. What was wrong with me tonight?

We walked to the front desk and I inhaled deeply and squared my shoulders. Soon I’d be out of the hospital. Maybe fate would be kind and I’d avoid seeing my family all together. Oh lord that was it! The hospital and family were setting me off. I walked up to the small red headed woman who sat in her brightly colored scrubs her hair up neatly in a bun. A mask over her nose an mouth and a pen behind her ear. The desk was a large white wall with glass shielding the woman from us a small vent near the white counter top so we could slide paperwork back to each other if need be.

“Hi my sister came over not to long ago. Her name is Ava Mercer.” I said clearly

“Do you know what room she’s in?” The woman asked.

“No… she was brought in because” I paused and swallowed forcing myself to say it, “she tried to kill herself.”

“Oh I’m sorry. One moment.” She said typing at a speed I could only ever envy. “So you need to wait in the lobby over there. The doctor will be out soon.”

“Is she okay?” I asked worried

“I’m sorry I don’t know. The doctor will let you know.”

I turned away feeling as if there was a bowling ball in my stomach. Something had to be wrong. I knew something was wrong. It was heavy in the air.

The lobby was crowded with too many people. Everyone looked and sounded sick. I heard and old woman groaning and a bored child whining. A couple with heavy bags under their eyes held a screaming infant. It looked as if they hadn’t slept in days. My son slept through it all. He snored as I held him. He was usually light but after a while his weight began to weigh on my arms making them shake. Luckily I had finally gotten a seat. Gave just lifted his head and cuddled closer to me. He sounded happy as he dreamed. He was blissfully unaware of anything going on. He slept cuddled up to me and was slowed to cling to me. His world was perfect. Mine however was shaky. My sister’s condition was a mystery to me.

I had to wait for the doctor who would hopefully tell me that she was okay. Lord let her be okay. I dreaded telling my family anything about her. They would say she was in hell. Suicide was a sin that was unforgivable. Nothing was as cruel as my families love and understanding. They never bothered to figure out how much pain she had been in. They never asked her. Yet, they were quick to judge her.

She wasn’t perfect. Like any of them were. Maybe it was that she wasn’t soulless. My fathers wife had been cruel she once told her daughter she was the ugly one. She told her she was fat and dumb, no one would love her. How could they?

It was cruel and sad. I told her to leave that house then. Just a few months ago. I told her to leave… now she was in the hospital. I prayed to any dirty to let my sister love. I had only one I was close to. The rest either hated me or just loved me out of pity or duty. Ava loved me because she was to kind to be hateful.

“Excuse me miss Mercer?” An older man said

“I’m Mrs Garcia my maiden name is Mercer though.” I looked up

He wore a white coat. His hair was shaved close to his scalp. His skin was tanned. In fact he looked like he got too much sun. His skin was deeply tanned and it amplified his silver hair and aging face. He looked like he was handsome in his youth before old age stole that from him. Oh lord this…this was the doctor. Lord have mercy. I hoped she was okay. I mean I’m sure he knew what he was doing but he also looked like he qualified for the seniors discount at Denys and his hands slight tremor to them.

“Is everything okay?” He asked

“Yes are you the doctor?” Please say no

“Yes.” He said and I cursed inside obviously fate had a sense of humor

“Is my sister okay.” Maybe he was the best doctor here old age didn’t mean incompetence

“I’m so sorry” my heart froze

“We did all we could.” I felt as if my soul had been torn to shreds.

“There was nothing we could do.” No. No more talking.

I nodded my head and stood up and walked outside. I picked up my phone and dialed a number I never wanted to dial. I was calling my fathers wife. She and I would never love each other. We would never care to attend each other’s funerals or any other occasions. She never met Ricardo, she wasn’t at my wedding, she never once received a call from Gabe. He knew my father and most my half siblings. He had a good life. I wouldn’t ever dream of changing that. She would. We both knew that. She wouldn’t deny that. Still; I would tell her what happened to her child. I would tell her because it was the right thing to do. I knew I wouldn’t be invited to the funeral. I wasn’t welcome to grieve with them. I was the dark stain on her perfect white family.

“Hello? What do you want?” She asked annoyed almost angry I didn’t blame her I would be the same if someone called me late at night

“It’s about Ava.” I said carefully “Are you sitting down?”

“We’ll tell her to tell me about it.” She said dismissively “and yes, not that it matters to you.”

“ Ava can’t tell you.” I sighed “Listen Abigail… Ava is dead. She killed herself. Please come to the hospital.”

“Fine. Be gone when I get there.” She huffed

I hung up. Time would never fix our relationship. I held Gabe close. She would hate me and everything about me. I wasn’t what she wanted. I wasn’t some Disney princess but I had the evil stepmother. She knew it to. She loved the role. The wind suddenly picked up and goose bumps broke out over my arms. I walked inside and walked over to the doctor.

“My parents are on the way.” I said softly, “they said they’ll take care of everything if that’s okay.”

“Sure.” He said looking confused

“Thank you.”

I walked quickly down the hall. I needed to get out of there fast. I just couldn’t handle seeing her. Tears began choking me as I reached the doors. I paused just for a moment. I saw her standing with my father. They both looked distraught l. I saw his old age beginning to show. The creases around his eyes were more pronounced. He looked won and weary. Ever the good husband and father he held her close. My father was tall with broad shoulders, dark hair cut short in a flat top cut, he had an angular face with a strong hawking, pale blue eyes a long nose and thin lips. He wore a burgundy cotton shirt and blue jeans and plain black sketchers. He was muscular with out being to muscular. She was small in his arms. Petite all around, she had a small almost delicate figure. Her pale blonde hair was cut in a Short bob. Her face was heart shaped with big blue doe eyes, a small nose, a rose bud mouth. She had small breasts maybe an a cup, a small sweep of hips a wide gap in her thighs. Even her manicured fingernails were small. She wore a modest dust blue shirt a ankle length jean skirt, black tights, a long tan jacket and brown ankle boots. They looked perfect. Looks were deceiving. She would play the part of grieving mother, take the photos, but would be angry her daughter died like this. Suicide was unacceptable to her. I saw the anger hiding deep in her sapphire eyes.

She and I passed each other with out much of a word. For a moment you could feel the anger between she and I. I knew I would be avoiding all of them for a while and be the only one to bring Ava flowers. They couldn’t care less.

I squared my shoulders and walked to the car with Ozzy following behind me. He was silent. I think he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act. Maybe he didn’t know what to say, I know I didn’t. Words would be lost on me right now. I was shaken inside. I sat Gabe in the car and buckled him in. I wish I could sleep like him. So soundly.

“Hey, you okay?” He asked softly

“I don’t know.” I whispered my voice cracking

“I’m sorry. I’d there anything I can do?” He looked at me worried.

“I don’t think so.” I whispered “I just want to go home.”

“Okay. Get in the car I’ll take you

“Thank you. Your a real life saver.” I said

He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug. It had been so long since I had bee hugged like that. I felt like I could melt into him. I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him… a complete stranger. I just wanted to feel close to someone. I needed to feel close to someone. I could feel the tears as they filled my eyes and began falling down my cheeks. I leaned in and kissed him. Maybe it was lust or grief or loneliness. I’m not sure but all I know is I would always regret that kiss. I sealed my fate with his lips pressed against mine.