Words Unspoken

A Letter For Danny

Brother,

It seems there isn't a day that goes by that I don't find myself thinking of you. I struggle with my thoughts. And questions that will never be answered. Mostly, I just think about how blessed I was to have you. And how I'm still blessed to be able to carry your memory with me throughout my life.

I know I wasn't a perfect sister. And I know that we had our share of troubles with eachother. But I also know that I was there for you. As much as you would let me be. And if it would have come down to it I would have traded my life for yours. I love you that much. I look around at my family, our family, and I can see the empty space you left behind.

I can feel the sadness that seeps into our everyday lives. We are a band of broken souls and it hasn't gotten much better. Me, I like to talk things out. I like to try and understand why things happen, what makes people do the things they do. But there are no easy answers. There never are.

To me, always, you seemed to be the one who got me. You may not have understood me and you may have wondered why I act the way I act, but you took it for what it was. I was the girl with the mood swings, the crying jags, the sleepless nights. The smart mouth. I was the strange one, the misunderstood one. Aren't we all? All of those conversations we had. Some about nothing at all.

All of the talking about favorite singers and how we would argue back and forth over random trivia. Just to bother eachother. We all hurt in our own way. My hurting was so public. So tragic. So futile. I continue to hurt. My mind is a place that makes little sense to me. And meds have never helped me much. But I do what I can and I struggle on through it.

Because I have to. I think about things you have missed out on. Watching Hay and Jamie grow up. Jack and Reign. Sometimes I would hear something that I know would have interested you and for the longest time I would turn around to tell you about it, but you were no longer there. I will love you always, brother.

For me, you are still here. Just in a different way than before. Your memory is emblazoned. Your heart is family. And your strength and spirit will not be forgotten.

Love Always,

Pamela