beyOnd

Chapter Ten

Hesitantly, I walk into the apartment, not expecting much from father. I clutched my bag tighter with every step I took, and dread started filling me the closer I got to father. Again, he stood in front of the kitchen island, a paper grasped tightly in one hand, phone in the other. It wasn’t often that you would see him without a bottle of soju in hand.

He kept reading the paper again and again, yet I didn’t even know why. He then reached the bottom of the paper, then looked up at me, his eyes filled with fury, yet also disappointment. “Yongsoo,” he said, his voice stern and dry, “I got a call from your school, and they told me that you got one of the worst grades in you midterm exams.”

At that point, I didn’t know what to say. Does he expect me to apologize for a mistake that I didn’t even cause? He was the one who didn’t influence me properly ever since mother died. He was the one who always took up half the time I was at home with these stupid arguments, and never gave me time to study. He didn’t even give me the proper materials to study. It was always the school itself who would provide me with the right supplies.

“Okay,” I tell him, “but do you expect me to even care at this point? It was always you who took up half the time I’m at home with your stupid complaints about me, and you don’t even get me the right materials for school! You don’t even give me any money to get it myself! I don’t even have any time to study at this point!”

“You dare to talk back to your own father like that?” he asked, offence playing in his voice like in a wickedly tune.

“How can I even consider you as my father?” I asked. I was probably shouting at that point, but I don’t care. Tears were welling up in my eyes, threatening to start streaming down my cheeks like a river of woe. “Ever since mother died, you were never the same. You always treated me like s**t, and I don’t even know how the f**k you can consider me as your god damn son.”

“Because you have my blood in you, and that’s all that matters to me,” he said in such a cold, meaningless tone.

I scoff, but he seems to ignore it. “That’s all?” I asked in disbelief, “not even because you love me?”

“Just because you are my son doesn’t give me a f*****g reason to love you,” he said sternly, “you were the reason that your mother died.”

“That’s it?” I ask, “you now hate me for supposedly killing my mother? For a mistake that I didn’t even commit? Is that why you give me these curfews; these rules? All because you’re blaming me for something I didn’t even do?”

“It’s all because of that Wook-jin!” he shouted. My heart sank by the last syllable. Wook-jin? What did he ever do?

“Oh, now you’re bringing him into this?” I asked, “he never did s**t! You’re just too afraid to admit it, huh? That’s why you’re bringing him into this, huh?”

“Admit what?”

“The fact that you treat me as your f*****g slave! The fact that you think I killed my mother! You’re too afraid to admit any of it!”

He strikes a finger at the door to my room, a look of disappointment and wrath in his eyes. “Son, go to your room now,” he said, not even holding any eye contact anymore, “you shouldn’t be speaking to your elders like this. Go, now.”

“Wow…” I laugh, shaking my head just slightly, “you’re that scared to admit s**t, are you? Imagine the time when I have to report you to the police at some point of my f*****g life! I’m sure you’re not gonna say s**t about me!”

“Go to your f*****g room now!” he spurted out in a shout.

“Fine!” I say sarcastically, holding two hands out indicating surrender, “I’m going!”

. . .

I snatched the key from under my bed and locked the door immediately, knowing that father might just try to come at me again like he always does. On instinct, I slide down the wall and seat myself on the ground, crouching my legs up to my chest. I almost always have to keep this door closed; I don’t even remember the last time my father came into my room.

Tears were slowly streaming down my cheeks. I couldn’t help myself, though. The fact that my own father thinks that I killed our mother is just…unthinkable. Why would he ever think that?

The moment that I felt the tears go back in, I stood up and went over to my cupboard to change into some comfortable clothing. I was in my uniform for majority of the day, and I just wanted to get out of it as soon as I could.

When I’m done washing up, I immediately lay myself down on my bed and stare soullessly at the ceiling. I wanna die, I thought to myself, quietly muttering the same sentence over and over to myself as my eyes slowly start to close. I then realized that I started crying again. This wasn’t the worst argument that I had with father, yet I’m still crying more than I used to.

Have I gotten more fragile over these few weeks? I picked up my phone which was on charge and go over to Wook-jin’s chats. I got his number around last week, after we came from art club. I stare at the screen for a while, gazing upon his profile picture on the center of the screen.

How can someone be this pretty, even in their profile picture? By that time, I was completely lost in my own desire; him. Wook-jin. Even through these tears falling from my eyes, I manage a smile, yet my expression still dull.

Me: You still awake?

I wait for a while, watching how he suddenly comes online and starts typing in the chat.

Wook-jin: Obviously. Is there something wrong?

Me: Wanna get in a call together? I’ve got a couple things I want to talk about…

Wook-jin: Of course!

Jung Wook-jin ❤️

Calling…

YS: Hey.

WJ: Hi!! You alright? Your voice sounds tired.

YS: I don’t even know at this point. I’m just exhausted and I don’t wanna live anymore.

WJ: Please don’t say things like that…It makes me feel guilty for some reason.

YS: Why would you feel guilty? You weren’t the person who made me feel like this.

WJ: Was it your father?

YS: Exactly.

WJ: D’you guys argue?

YS: Yep.

WJ: …

YS: …

WJ: Sorry, I was just having dinner.

YS: Sorry to interrupt your dinner, but of course you’re doing something like this. Why’d you even accept my call if you were busy?

WJ: Because! No one’s here to stop me~

YS: …

HJ: Speaking of which, have you eaten yet?

YS: Nope. Not even any water, other than the tap water from my bathroom.

WJ: You should eat soon! Food helps you gain energy!

YS: Why would I need energy at the middle of the night?

WJ: To help with some homework? I don’t understand the one that Ms. Kim gave us this morning.

YS: Fine. I’ll have dinner in a bit. I’m just waiting until my dad finally goes into his room to sleep.

WJ: Oh. When is that?

YS: In about…a couple 20 minutes.

WJ: D’you want me to stay on the line for the mean time?

YS: I would like that.

WJ: …

YS: ... it’s raining a lot tonight, isn’t it?

WJ: It’s raining? Sorry, I just didn’t look out my windows since I came home.

YS: Well just so you know, it’s raining a lot now. And it’s been doing that for a while now.

WJ: Oh, s**t. How the hell did I not know that?

YS: ‘cause you’re a dummy.

WJ: I’m offended. *Audible laughing*

YS: Clearly not.

WJ: Alright, fine. You can call me a dummy all you want.

YS: Dummy, dummy, dummy.

WJ: Not that often! If it were real life, you would’ve been dead by now.

YS: So scary! Yeah, as if you would do that to me.

WJ: Fine, you’re right. Maybe you wouldn’t be dead, but I would’ve tried throwing a punch probably.

YS: *Laughs quietly* As if you could. Anyway, I gotta go have dinner now. We’ll talk again tomorrow? Or do you wanna stay on the line until I’m done?

WJ: I’ll let you have your dinner in peace. We can just text for the meantime. Your dad might also misunderstand things, don’t you think?

YS: True. Anyway, I’ll hang up now.

WJ: Mhm!

God, I think I’m starting to really love this guy…I didn’t think much of it at first, but now we’ve gotten so close that it’s unbelievable. If I were to make a list of reasons why I love him, I would do it straight away. It would’ve been endless, I’m sure.