Deep tenderness

When did I fall out of love?

The psychiatrist nodded and replied, "What if she does what you don't even expect? What if she breaks your precious soul?" I felt so upset all of a sudden, without my realization I started crying. "Does she know you're a lesbian?" she asked giving me a huge shock. Wait, I was a lesbian? Why was I so dumb? I was a lesbian, after all, I mean I never deeply thought about all of this. The therapy session started helping me little by little, I could really know what was I doing in my life. I shook my head and tried to reply back, "N-no" The therapist continued to ask few more questions about me and myself. It felt so weird that all she did was stare at me or question me all the time. Later I got back to my home, I had to do my homework but I knew aria wouldn't do it, So I had to give her some company. I walked towards my bed and fell into the fresh fragrance of my pillows and soft mattress. Nothing ever felt that nice in life. The evening passed and without my knowledge, I fell asleep. I woke up to a huge argument between my mom and dad. Without making a single noise, I slowly followed the sounds.

I was faced with my mom and dad arguing with their door half-closed. I overheard the conversation with my dad saying, "She's just a sixteen-year-old kid! How do you expect her to know that she's a lesbian. She doesn't even know what that term means." this continued with my mom replying, "She knows who she is, That's why I am taking her to therapy. The day she is going to come out to us, You're gonna believe me then." I could see my dad rubbing his head in tension and stress. He was walking around the room with an irritated expression. My heart was racing fast, I was numb. "Your daughter became physically paralyzed because of that girl names aria. She ruined my kid's life, Im not gonna spare her." said my mom. I could see my hands shiver with the fear of letting them know I was a lesbian, or even I liked aria. What was happening, why was aria a reason for my paralyzed hands. I didn't really understand anything at this point. My head started to hurt. I went back to my room as if nothing had even happened.

That night I couldn't fall asleep, my thoughts were not stopping. Why did aria want me sad? Was all this true? Why were my parents fighting about my sexuality? I was puzzled. I then scrolled through my phone and saw that Aria posted a photo with Mac, This gave me an idea to call up aria to my home. I had no thoughts, So I called up aria. With a wide smile on my face. It was our thing, we used to jump into some house if we feel low and had something to say. Aria ended the call and a few minutes later she got into my home through the window that was attached to my bedroom. She smiled, god every time she did that it felt like I was in heaven, She was immensely beautiful, I always wanted to kiss her pretty lips. She sat beside me with the perfume I gifted her on her birthday sprayed on her neck and wrist. "What's up, babe?" She questioned with her hands gently massaging my hand. My heart melted. And, the tears didn't stop. I told her everything that happened, and she was such a pleasant human that she replied saying that it's going to be alright and I had nothing to worry about, and also that she would talk to my mom about what's wrong with being a lesbian. For the first time, I fell out of love with my parents. I started hating them. And fell more in love with this girl in front of me.

She patted my back showing me some comfort. It felt nice to have a person like aria with me. She always made me feel better than ever. She slowly drifted me to sleep and massaged my legs and hands. "Everything is going to be alright, You are a beautiful human, a person I wish to have my whole life with. I love you, Ray." Aria spoke, making me feel butterflies. "We were always meant to be destiny, I always knew that. You make me feel so safe aria, You are the beautiful human here." I smiled with her kiss on my cheek. I turned towards her and was about to move closer towards her lips when she pushed me away. "Why? Why Do I always fall in love with you" Aria said breaking my heart. "I don't care about anything but you, That doesn't mean I have feelings for you? Stop imaging everything ray." She ranted out in frustration. The more she spoke the more my heart was breaking. Why did she never like me the way I liked her? Was I a clown all along? Was It only me who was in love and was she never? All sorts of thoughts filled up my brain, I felt broken and I couldn't really reply to her. what if she walked out from the window and never ever talked to me again? It didn't feel great.

Just like I imagined, She walked out of the window without any conversation ever. Why was I getting hurt? What was this pain? I felt heavy in my heart. I fell asleep with my sadness crumpling me in the stomach, it was a different feeling of guilty. A feeling I want to never get back in life. I held both my hands and prayed to god for better days soon, days when I will smile again without any restrains. I fell out of love with everybody, even with myself. I just became the silent spectator for every stabbing sounds I had in my back. The night faded and gave rise to beautiful more ing, a new day and a new start, I had a date with Mac today. It was worth going honestly, I could flex it to so many people. I walked into my ice-cold class, with everybody staring at my new outfit and transition. Yes, I had makeup on with a short skirt making all the guys drool. "You look hot." Commented Mac and winked at me. I had to fake a blush, God I hate men. x