It's Not Him, It's You

Chapter 11: Bittersweet Holiday

My room still looks the same as when I left it a few months ago. Dad said he regularly clean my room, so no dust at all. The wood floor was glimmering upon the contact of the winter sun. My things were neatly placed like it was before.

I got tired from the long trip for I decided to lay down in bed for a bit. The next day, I went to the vineyard to pluck out some fresh grapes for my yogurt. Yes, it’s a bit chilly here and I must say, I kind of regret going out to just pluck out some grapes when we already have it inside the fridge.

The day before Christmas, Dad and I went to the grocery to buy some ingredients for the Christmas dinner. While shopping, I met some friends from high school who live in the nearest neighborhood.

I had fun talking to them again. There’s nothing much to talk about but I’m happy that we are able to reach out to each other.

“Did you have fun talking to them again?”

“Yeah,” I nodded and smiled. I stare out of the car’s window. Nothing changed in this town much. Same old, same old.

“So, how’s the university?”

“It’s wonderful, and I’m making some friends,” I tell him. To sum it up, it’s only Jessica.

“Really? Wow, that’s surprising. You never make friends with other kids before. The person I always see you with before was that kid living across our house back then,” he chuckled.

My eyes widen, “You saw us together? When?”

“That night…you know… I was upstairs and I saw you through the window got off from that boy’s car,” he bitterly smiled. I know how much it killed him. With mom’s gone, it's like darkness draws its curtain around us.

I wasn’t able to respond for a while. “I—I…”

“Are you going out with that boy before?”

“What?! No!” I quickly denied it. Almost.

“Alright, alright. I was just asking,” he chuckled like he was just trying to tease me.

We’re seeing each other for months now actually, Dad. But I’m not yet ready to tell you.

I look outside and sighed, “I miss our house,” I said. “I miss mom,” I added and I can see my reflection on the windshield that my eyes are bloodshot red.

“So, do I, sweetheart. But life goes on and I know that that’s what your mother wants for us. To keep living and be happy but never forget her,”

December 24

One hour before Christmas eve, I received a message from Scion and Jessica. They both greeted me in advance, so I texted them back, too. Wishing them a merry Christmas.

But before I could even place my phone on the coffee table in front of me, Scion called.

I swiftly picked up the phone and went inside my room before I press the answer button. “Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” his voice was raspy.

“Are you and Jessica are so excited for Christmas that you can’t for 12 o’clock to greet me?”

“She greeted you, too? Oh, I didn’t know but yeah, I was kind of excited,” he chuckled in the line. “I miss you,” he said.

“Same here. Tell Jessica I missed her, too,” I added. I don’t know why I mandatorily added that phrase.

“Yeah, sure, I will,” he responded. “Are you having fun so far?”

“Yeah, I am. But usually, I’m just on the farm, helping grandpa and dad feed the animals every morning and you know, fight the freaking cold weather,” I giggled. “What about you?”

“It was okay. I’m enjoying it so far. Thank god I have Jessica here or I’ll be bored before I could even last here a day,”

We talk that for an hour that I wasn’t able to notice the time quickly went by.

“Oh my god,” I gasp as I look at my watch. “It’s Christmas eve,” I said.

“How long have we been talking?” he laughs. “Anyways, Merry Christmas, Nikola. I can’t wait to see you again,” he said.

“Merry Christmas to you, too. See you later,” I said.

“Sure, bye,”

With grandpa and dad, we enjoyed our homemade dishes which I love the most. Here on the farm, we eat fresh ones. From fruits to veggies and meats. It so wonderful to live on the farm but nothing more excitable than in the city.

Both places give off different feels which will make you guilty if you don’t choose the other.

The next day, Christmas day. I dress up in a formal black dress. Its skirt reaches my knees and I paired it with black heels. I grab my winter coat behind my door and went out to the living room.

“Going somewhere?” my dad approached me. “You’re quite dressed up. You look pretty, sweetheart,”

“I have, too. Because I’m seeing mom,” I smiled a bit, and dad’s eyes soften. “Do you want to come with me? What about you, grandpa?” I look at grandpa seating on the couch watching tv.

“Nah, we already visited her a few months ago. The day you left for the university,” he said.

Oh. My mouth literally shaped ‘O’.

“Really dad? Then, I’ll be alone with mom this time, “

“Yes, I think it’s time to have a solo chat with, mom. Sounds great, right?”

I nodded and kissed his cheek, “I’ll be taking a taxi. I’ll be alright,” I said and went out of the house.

We buried my mom in a graveyard in Massachusetts. She grew up there just like me. We can’t separate her from her hometown, so we decided to let her stay there.

I got out of the taxi with the basket full of flowers in my hand. I can only see one car parked outside the graveyard. It’s quite unusual to visit the cemetery at this time of year. Aside from the fact that it’s Christmas, it’s cold, too.

Walked through the frosty grass of the cemetery. I look up at heaven. “I think it’s going to snow soon,” I murmured. I walked for other meters and finally, I reached mom’s grave. Her name was covered with last night snow.

I brush it off, mindless of the stone’s coldness. “Hi, mom,” I said as I place the basket aside. “How are you? Have you been well up there? I hope you are because dad and I are doing the same, too,” I talk as I stare at her engraved name in the marble stone.

“We had the delicious Christmas eve meal last night. Grandpa is such a really good cook and I can say that dad improved, too,” I smiled as I remember her swatting the spatula to dad’s back when he ended up burning the French omelet.

“He’s…improving. He smiles often now and I can see that he’s into the farm so much. How I wish you were here with us, you know, together with living on the farm,” my voice quivered. My eyes start to water and my chest gradually ached.

“We were such a perfect family before. You, Dad, and I. I never asked for so much more, so I guess, heaven decided to take so much so I could ask for more. They took you away from me and dad and no matter how I try to ask you back in our lives, I know it’s impossible to happen,” I sob as sit on my feet and hug my leg.

Soon enough, snow started to fall. But I endured the cold breeze and the freezing moment when snowdrops landed at the back of my hand.

“You shouldn’t have gone out of the car that night. You should have decided to head back home right away. Why? Why do you have to buy something for me? I got all I need in the house, mom. Why?” my voice drifted through the cold breeze. “This is all my fault,” I cried with my hands covering my face. “I miss you so much,” it aches. My chest aches.

“Miss? It’s snowing hard,” suddenly I heard a man spoke behind me.

“I’m well aware of that. You can now leave me alone,”

“But, at least, do you have an umbrella?”

“No, and I don’t care. Please, leave. I want to be alone,”

“I’m really sorry to interrupt you but it’s dangerous. You might freeze in here,”

I close my eyes firmly and stood up, “I’m going to ask you this for the last time. Leave me alone—” as I turn around, I was astounded as I realize who it is.

“You’re Nikola, right?”

“Maxwell…what are you doing here?”

“Same reason you are here,”

I pursed my lips as I get his point. He's dressed rather formally today. He’s wearing a gray sweater with a white dress shirt under it. He partnered it with black trousers that fit him perfectly and white Nike shoes.

 “I’m sorry if I snap at you. It’s just—”

“I understand. You don’t have to explain,” he said but it sounds like he doesn’t mean it because his voice is monotonous. What is wrong with this guy? And why, even though I know he kinda sounds boring, but yet I found him very good company?

“We all want to be alone with our love ones, but I was just worried,” he added.

“Thanks, but I’m okay, really,” I insisted.

“Are you sure?”

I just nodded and we fell into silence. “You’re not moody today,” I said.

“Excuse me?”

“I said you’re not moody today,”

“Yeah, I catch that. I was asking why have you say so?”

I rolled my eyes, “Gosh, though we only met twice before, you always have that cold façade and you’re such an attitude,”

He just smirked and didn’t say anything. So, I pull the courage to ask him, “Who are you visiting then?”

He sighed and took a step forward to shed me from the snow with his umbrella. He simply brushes off the snowdrops on my chestnut hair. As I watch him, I felt my heart pounded so hard under my chest. He looks classy which would make you think he came from a high-class family and yet, he just looks so simple on the outside.

Those thick eyebrows, flawless skin, ash gray eyes, curvy eyelashes, sharp nose, and thin pink lips are so adorable to watch every day.

What am I doing?!

“Why do you always love asking questions?” he raised his eyebrow just the way he did when we first met at their college.

“If you feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to answer it. I was just…”

“Curious about me?”

I stared at him in disbelief and scoffed, “Gosh, your audacity is killing my ego,”

“You’re welcome,”

“You’re unbelievable,” I rolled my eyes but smiled anyway.

“You need a ride?” he suddenly offered. Well, it might be hard to hail or book a taxi within this time. So, I nodded, “If you don’t mind, sure. I need a ride,” I said.

“Are you staying for a bit or—”

“Let me just say goodbye to her at least,” I cut him off. I sat down on my feet, kissed the tips of my hands, and place them on the marble stone where her name was carved.

“See you again, mom,” I whispered. I stood up, fix myself, and turned to Maxwell. “Let’s go?” I ask and he nodded.

We walked together down the small passage of the cemetery going to the gates of the graveyard. Silent but it feels warm inside for me. I occasionally look at him but I quickly look away if I feel him look in my way.

But then, at the corner of my eye, I notice that his left shoulder was already drenched by melted snows. He makes sure that I won’t be snowed but look at his shirt now! It’s wet!

“Maxwell, your shoulder, look,” I stop and went in front of him. I pulled my hankie out of my winter coat and place it at the top of his drenched-side shoulder. I hope, at least, it will absorb the water.

 “You don’t have to shed me from the snow,”

“I have to. My father taught me to be a gentleman every time,”

I look at him in disbelief, “Seriously? Well, you’ll get sick if you always do this to every girl you meet under the snow,” I scolded him as I wipe his shoulder, hoping it would lessen its wetness.

“But you’re the first one,”

I stop and slowly look at him. Our eyes met and my heart started to jump crazily inside my ribcage. What’s happening to me? What is he doing to me? Why am I feeling this? I thought it was Scion all this time…

I was the one to quickly look away and continue wiping his shoulder, “I’m sure you’ll meet more girls that need your umbrella under the snow and rain and sunshine,” I reasoned out that my voice almost quivered to nervousness.

He took my hand from his shoulder away and slowly place it down. “Then you should get closer to me,”

“Sure, but how?” I innocently ask. “This close?” I returned to his side and bumped my arms with him.

“Like this,” he gently grabs my waist and snaked his arms around it, and pulls me so close to him. So close that I’m so afraid he might feel my heartbeat. “Stay close if you’re really worried,” he said close to my face.

“Let’s go,” he added when I wasn’t able to answer him.

What I like about him is that I can’t feel his hands on my waist. It's like he’s just supporting my back while pulling me close to him. Such a gentleman.