It's Not Him, It's You

Chapter Eight: Hesitations and Doubts

The trees in the streets are getting bald day by day. It seems like the fall is coming to an end. The wind is getting even chiller that I have to double everything I wear. Soon after, snow will come falling down from the gloomy sky. Also, Christmas break is now lurking around the corner.

“Do you have any plans this Christmas break?” I ask Jessica as we lounge at the university cafe. I watch as students pass by outside the window. It has been two days since I last hang out at his place and I miss no.

It seems like his schedule is getting hectic as time passes by. I understand that since I’m a college like him, too.

“Nothing in particular. Just gather at the house with my whole family. I heard mom’s planning of spending our Christmas in New Zealand,” Jessica answered and took a sip of her coffee.

“You coming?” I ask, a bit jealous.

“Yeah, I guess,” she nodded and sat up straight when she noticed my gloomy face. “Are you okay? Is everything all right with you?” she asks as she leans her arms on the table between us.

I nodded with a half-smile, “Yeah, I kind of miss my mom,” I said in a low voice and fidgeted my hands.

I heard her sigh and move her chair close to me, “Come here,” she said and hugged me tightly.

I giggled, “It’s okay. I’m kind of used to it now. Well, a bit,” I said as I hug her back and smiled as she taps my back gently.

We broke apart after a whole 10 seconds. “Thanks. That made it lighter,” I smiled.

“Are you back at the farm?”

I nodded, “Yeah, that’s the plan,” I said. “I miss them so much,” I pouted. Though I just gave them a call yesterday, I still miss them so much.

“That sucks because I feel otherwise. The moment I step foot on our front porch, my mom will rant me again of my unhealthy lifestyle whatsoever,” she frustratingly sighed. “I keep telling her, “’ I’ve been doing well on my studies, Mom. Don’t worry,” then she would yell at me, “I don’t care as long as you finish college alive and kicking,” Jessica even mimicked her mom’s voice which made me laugh hard. “Ugh! My mom’s killing me. One thing I hate about mom is that she keeps comparing me to my so perfect cousin, Scion,” she continued.

Then, laughter came to halt and my face quickly changed into a serious one.

“Oi, what has gotten suddenly on you? Are you okay? You’re starting to freak me out, Nikola! For real!”

“Did I hear it right? Your cousin’s name is Scion?”

She nodded, “Yeah, it is. Why? Do you know him?” her eyebrows furrowed.

“Is ‘Scion’ the cousin you’ve been so eager to introduce me to?”

“Yes, he is. Why? Can you spill it off already?”

“I-I know him,” I hesitantly nodded. Should I emphasize that ‘I know him’ phrase?

She dramatically places her hands on her mouth, “Seriously?! How? Did you, by any chance, met him at the party?”

Shit. It’s more than ‘meeting him’ at the party. I shake my head to snap out of it. He was so good that I have forgotten that I should be distancing myself from him. I felt an ache in my chest as I remember again my mom’s death.

“Yeah, I did…we talked for a bit, and…” I trailed off as I decide whether to tell her what happened between me and Scion that night. “That’s it,” I finished, gritting my teeth inside my mouth. I still need to tell Scion if she’s the cousin he’s been telling me all this time.

“Aww, that’s good, then. So, what do you think of him?”

“What?”

“Your impression?! Come on!”

“Uh…” I thought. “He’s…he’s alright. Such a gentleman,”

“Oh, stop it. I wanna puke, really,” she rolled her eyes. Her comment sparked a hint of curiosity in me.

“Why? I mean, what’s wrong with being a gentleman?”

“A gentleman, my foot. Well, maybe, to give that impression to the girls he just met. That bookworm nerdy cousin of mine hides so much inside,”

“Like?”

“He gets what he wants no matter what. He will do everything just to get what has been aiming for,”

“And after that? What happens?” every word that comes out of Jessica’s mouth makes me scared little by little. What if I end up getting hurt?

“He decides whether he wanted to keep that person or just throw them to waste like disposing of a condom after s*x,”

I firmly close my eyes, “Filter, please?”

“Sorry. So, as I was saying if he ends up keeping you then your lucky. That only means that person means so much to him. He treasures his own possession a lot that’s why, uhm…remembering that thing I told you about him?”

“What?”

“That’s he’s currently in the moving on phase?”

“Yeah, what about that one? Did…he just broke up with his girlfriend?”

Jessica laughs, “That nerd had never had a girlfriend in his entire life! To be honest with you, he’s so in love with this girl that just lives across their house—”

She stops as I accidentally spew my coffee, “I’m sorry…” I coughed. “Can you say it again?”

“Are you sure your okay?” she pulled a tissue from the box place at the center of the table and helped me wipe the coffee stain on my chin. Thankfully, it didn’t stain my beige sweater.

I quickly nodded, “Continue,”

“Scion told me he’s been liking this girl that lives across their house. He really wants to ask that girl out,” she thought as she caresses her chin. “But before he could get an answer, that girl together with her family, suddenly moved out and he got cut off from her ever since. Which drove him crazy! He even asks me if by any chance a new family move-in in our area. I told you, what he wants he gets which, that girl, violated,” she chuckled upon remembering those memories with Scion.

“By any chance, did he tell you that girl’s name?”

“Nope. He’s quite secretive when it comes to personal information involving girls he hooks up. Let me clarify, he just hooks up not dates after that girl. I don’t know why he couldn’t just find someone else. I mean, they were just sixteen back then. I once told him, “Just move on. That’s part of adolescence” and he suddenly hung up on me,” she laughs loudly that made the other customers turn their heads in our direction.

I don’t know what to feel after hearing that information. Does he really want me because he loves me or he just simply want me back to patch his ego? I don’t know anymore if I should continue doing this. I don’t want to play with fire. I’m scared that one day…wait a minute, why am I worrying about this when I don’t even want to make a serious relationship for now.

But…ugh! This is so frustrating! Then, if I don’t want to get hurt then I should stop playing with fire. Maybe, distancing myself from him is a better way to sneak out of this because every time our skin touches, there’s no turning back anymore. He has this effect on me that gets me out of control.

I should put the fire off as early as I can.

I went to Student Affairs Department to process some prerequisites regarding my scholarships. Yes, your girl is one of those ‘charity cases’ as spoiled brats here in campus calls. When I came here to enroll, I saw this poster about an examination for scholarships. I gave it a go and I got in. All I have to mind is my allowance and miscellaneous fees.

“Here,” I held out the paper to Miss Penelope. “Is there anything I should do?” I inquire because I want to finish some paper works before Christmas break.

As I fill-up the form, I fought hard not to check who is calling since I can feel my phone vibrating on my jeans pocket. It could be Scion or my dad, my grandpa, or Jessica. It can be less likely to be Janice.

I sighed before I drop my pen and check who is calling me. When I saw the registered name, I quickly threw my phone inside my bag and continued working on my form.

“All done, Mr. Hughes. But would you mind bringing this to Professor Williams? He’s in the admin’s office of Neuroscience college department,” she lends me the folder with several papers inside.

But that’s too far away! Can’t she just email this one?

Nevertheless, I smiled and promised to send these files to Professor Williams. I sighed deeply as I got out of the office.

“Let’s start trekking, shall we, Nikola?” I whispered to myself.

After fifteen minutes, I stop to catch my breath as I finally reached the building of Neuroscience. I quickly went inside and I was lost standing there in the hallway. Damn, where’s that admin’s office again?

I turn to my left and right as I decided which direction should I go. I decided to take the left-wing. I try to peak at every classroom I pass by. There are only a few students walking and I find them very intimidating.

To my great defeat, I swallowed the lump on my throat and approached a guy who is leaning on the wall near the staircase to the second floor. He’s listening to music with his headphones on.

I cleared my throat but he didn’t hear me. I cleared my throat again for the second but much louder now.

His thick eyebrows furrowed before his eyes slowly went open revealing his chocolate brown eyes. He removed his headphone and placed it on his shoulders before he raised his one eyebrow to me.

Jerk.

I politely smiled, “Hi, um, I’m kind of lost and I was just wondering if you could tell me where I might find the admin office?”

He sighed. He seems annoyed that I disturbed him in the middle of his zoning out. “You’re not from this college?” he said with his deep voice.

“Obviously,” I accidentally uttered the voice inside my head. My eyes widen, “No, I mean, I am. Yeah, uh..., I was just sent here to give this to Professor Williams at the admin office,” I can’t help but stutter after saying that. I mentally slapped my forehead.

“Follow me,” he said with no emotions at all. He went ahead of me and I just follow him behind.

As I silently follow him, students from a hall ahead of starting coming out, and the hall was filled with different voices. But then, I think my heart almost leaped out of my ribcage when I spotted a familiar physique.

As he walks closer and closer towards us together with his block mates, I guess, I quickly panicked!

What is he doing here? Is this the university he told he applied to? What the hell?!

Instinctively, I quickly covered my face with the folder in my arms and decided to stick close to the guy in front of me. They walked closer and closer to our directions and the more I squeeze myself closer to the guy right next to me.

“What are you doing?” the guys finally ask after noticing my weird actions.

I waited until Scion and his block mates are finally out of sight and turned to him, “Nothing,” I smiled. “Ignore me. Just keep going,” I added and motioned him to keep walking.

He rolled his eyes before diverting his attention ahead. I grimaced at his cold attitude. Psh, I just wanted to get rid of him quickly and get out of this building.

He suddenly stopped in front of a door. I curiously looked at him. He suddenly pointed his index finger at something on the door.

The silver plate says “Admin’s Office”

“Oh, great. Thank—” I wasn’t able to finish because he quickly returned his headphone back and walked away, stuffing his hand inside his black winter coat.

“Jerk,” I muttered before knocking twice and went inside.

It did not take long. After I said my agenda in the office, he just told me to place the files on his desk and said thank you.

“What’s your name, again?” Professor Williams asks.

“Nikola, sir,” I responded.

“Well, Nikola, thank you for sending the files here. I’ve been waiting for that files but Miss Penelope is quite busy these days and some students deny sending this since, you know,” he grimaced, I giggled as I get his point.

“It’s too far,” I added as I nodded.

“Thank you so much, Nikola,”

“You’re welcome, sir. I gotta go,”

“Alright,” he said and went back to his work.

With a smile on my face, I turned the knob open and my face suddenly faltered. Scion’s standing outside the office with wide eyes.

“Nikola?” he was surprised but confused at the same time.

Why can’t just I have a peaceful university life? Why can’t you just give me what I want?!

I took a deep breath before I dash off before him and down the staircases until I reach the entrance. I quickly blended into the crowds and sneak my way out.

This is way harder than I’ve thought.