It's Not Him, It's You

Chapter Three: Kiss, Goodbye and Hello

“I—I thought you…just wanted to be friends,” I said as my breath shuddered at the sudden thrill of emotion inside of me, not daring to break the eye contact between us.

“I think I can’t…be just friends with you,” his eyes darken as he stared at my lips. 

I want to taste those lips, too. 

I gasped as he placed his lips on mine. My eyes widened in shock, then slowly fluttered shut when his thumb stroked my cheek softly. His lips, cold and full, pressed against mine, sending shivers down my spine. His lips suddenly wavered, asking to let him enter. I hesitated for a moment but when his other hand snaked up from my hand to my arms up to my nape, I gave in and kiss him back.

I could only hear the chirps of the birds in the woods, the cool breeze of the wind, and our tender kisses. I don’t understand why, suddenly, I just don’t want to stop at this moment.

Scion was the one to broke the kiss. I slowly opened my eyes to meet his. We were both gasping for air.

“Sorry…I wasn’t able to resist myself,” he said and look down. He raised his head to look again at me. I don’t know what to say. It seems like that kiss took all the words I learned. I was speechless and all I want right now is his lips on mine.

He gazed through my eyes and it went down to my lips. I know he's resisting himself to kiss me but I just can’t pretend the same.

I leaned closer and kiss him. I slowly encircled my arms around his neck to deepen our kiss. His lips automatically dominated me and the heat started to rise between us. The next thing I know is I’m on his lap and I can’t control myself anymore when his hands are on my waist and his thumb is making an infinite circle on my tummy.

I broke the kiss to take some air. It was then I realized that it was already dark. Oh my God. How long have we been kissing that I didn’t notice the time?!

“Nikola,” he called me. I looked at him, “What?”

“Look behind you,”

I turn around and it was like the city lights just took my breath away. “Wow, it’s so beautiful,” I gasped.

“It is,” he said. I turned back to look at him and realized that he doesn’t mean the city lights but for me. He leaned in and kissed me tenderly. My eyes fluttered shut when his lips traveled from my lips to my jaw, leaving small kisses until his lips traveled down to my neck. With his lips on my skin ignited the fire inside my chest.

“You’re so beautiful, Nikola,” he whispered between soft kisses. My fingers are tingling as they made contact with his chest.

He stopped kissing my neck and looks at me. “I like you, Nikola,” he suddenly said. “That very day I saw you reading by the window, you already took my breath away,” he added.

My heart started to thump so hard again. I suddenly got scared for no reason. It’s not because of his confession but about something else. I am so afraid that if I let him into my life, it will just cause pain to both of us.

My throat has gone all-dried up. I can’t seem to utter a word.

“I…” I hesitated.

“It’s okay, Nikola. You don’t have to give your answer tonight. For now, I think we better get you home,” I can’t find any trace of sadness or disappointment in his eyes. So, I nodded and smiled.

When I got home, I was surprised to see our car parked in our garage. It’s too early for them to be home already. Is there something wrong?

“Mom? Dad?” I called, as I shut the front door. Then, I heard a busy footstep coming from my parent’s room upstairs.

“Mom? Dad?” I called again as I slowly walked to the hallway. When I reached their room, I saw a duffel bag with clothes carelessly stuffed inside and Dad crying on the floor.

I quickly went closer to him and kneeled in front of him as I held his shoulders, “Dad! What happened?!”

He looked up with his eyes red bloodshot from crying. “Your mom…”

“What? What about mom?” my heart started to beat crazily.

“She…s-she is in the h-hospital,”

“In the hospital?" my heart skipped a beat. I felt like I don't want to hear the reason why because there's something in my heart that tells me I wouldn't like to know. "Why? What happened?” I ask dad cautiously. 

“We are on our way home when she decided to buy something for you from a*****e across the street. But then, a car hit her,” Dad howled in pain. “The car escaped and soon after, the doctor just said she is...she’s dead, honey. She lost so much blood. And…I just went home to prepare for her burial and to let you know,” He cried and cried that night. Those hiccups and deep breaths in between sobs are so difficult to internalize. There’s nothing more painful than hearing my father cry in pain.

It was the biggest tragedy of my life. I just can’t believe that when you think that everything’s going alright when, in truth, it’s not. After my mother’s death, my dad suffered depression and he has nothing but me at the moment. So, I decided to drop out of school to take care of dad. I’m just afraid that if I leave him alone in the house, he might do something to himself.

Later on, he quit his job and decided to sell the house. Though the idea pains me a lot, I can’t deny that every memory with my mother inside that house will continue to torment me and my dad.

We went to the country where my grandpa lives and manages a vast farm. Dad poured himself into helping grandpa nourish his farm. Living in the country both healed us. But one person always kept me staring at a blank horizon every now and then.

It was Scion.

I don’t know how he got my number but he kept calling me after we left Massachusetts. Just remembering that moment with Scion makes me remember the death of my mother every now and then. It pains me a lot to leave him behind like that, but I’ve got no choice. I no longer wanted to live with the past. I just wanted the present with my dad and grandpa.

 I finished high school at a public school in Stoneville. Though I applied to several universities, Dad insisted, but I chose to go to a secluded university in Stoneville. Where I know there is a low chance of possibility that he can found me. I am not assuming that he will search for me or go after me but I just wanted to be sure.

It was a mistake to…get to know him in the first place.

“Will you be alright? All by yourself in there? It’s the city and you’ve been here on this farm for almost four years and--"

"Dad! I'll be alright! Have you forgotten I'm turning 20 next year!" I giggled at him. "You have nothing to be worried about. I'm your daughter, right? I'm Nikola Hudgens," I grinned at him. Well, to be honest with you dear readers, I am freaking out inside! Well, what do you expect from a nineteen-year-old girl who has spent most of her life on the farm?! But I gotta do this because my dreams won't come true 24 hours if I stay in my comfort zone. I got to face the great city...again. 

To assess what's happening, I am moving to my apartment at High Street, Stoneville City. Just five streets away from the university I got accepted. I am living on my own. Freaking on my own. 

"Ma dear sweet sunshine is leaving the farm. I know you are the one who gives brightness in this house. It would feel empty without you, sunshine, " says grandpa and hugged me so tight. Ever since I was a kid, I already grew up in Anvil Town. You know, the neighborhood my parents used to live in back then and I have never spent so much time with my grandpa back then. It was only for almost three years that he was able to spend waking up in the morning seeing his only son and his only granddaughter every day. 

And now that I am leaving, it feels like I'm depriving grandpa of the opportunity to prolong that. 

"I'll miss you, grandpa. I mean it. I'll call as much as I can," I whispered to him as my eyes start to swell up which I have been promising myself not to tear up.

When I arrived at my apartment, that was the time I felt so much alone in my entire life. But instead of agonizing about that, I decided to occupy myself with arranging my things and dressing up to find some part-time jobs.

Of course, I promised dad and grandpa that I won't be looking for part-time jobs but ever since I started living on the farm, I learned how to be independent and I appreciated the hard work my dad and grandpa poured on nurturing the farm and enlarging it that I felt like I have to do the same thing, too. I don't want to depend on everything on them. So, since dad will be paying for my tuition and my apartment, I have to get a part-time job to provide--nope, nope. It's not the right term. Let's say to 'add' on my allowance.

I got accepted for the evening shift in a small bookshop that is just a street away from my apartment. Well, I guess lady luck was on my side and I am so glad that she is. 

After several months of being a university student, gladly, for the first time, I made friends.

Her name is Jessica Gale. Though she's quite bubbly and super energetic while I am kind of quiet and a bookish vibe, there's one thing that made us click together: we don't like boys. 

Yup. I was sixteen back then and I know it was a big mistake to get attached to someone who you have just met for not so long to make such a relationship. That past was part of my teenage hormonal whatever. Jessica loves to go to many university parties and loud music and alcohol do not exist in my vocabulary, so sometimes take turns doing a favor.

If she wants me to come to a party with her, then she got to do me favor after and vice versa. No big deal, you know?

But...a single moment could change the whole timeline of your life.

When...you think everything was going just as you've planned...life will take such an unexpected turn.

“Nikola, here’s the key,” Janice drops the book shop’s key on the counter just in front of me. “Since you love working so hard, here’s the key. I am going to leave you the shop. Will you be okay?” she asked, concern in her eyes.

“Yup. I’ll be alright. Don’t worry,” I said, giving her a smile.

“But you have your exam tomorrow morning, will you be okay? I mean, exam week is no joke! Trust me, I’ve been there—”

“Janice, I’ll be alright! I can manage. I am more than you think,” I defended. “This is not new to me! I’ve done this before and I just managed it well. I trust myself that I can do the same thing again this time,” I smiled at her.

“Okay, fine. I trust you. I know you’re such a bright and hard-working kid. You can get through this,”

“Thank you,” I retorted.

“Okay. I’m going now, for real. If you need some rest, I can cover your shifts,” she offered and I know that she really means it.

“I appreciate the offer but, maybe, someday,” I grinned. “For now, you need to leave already or else, this date you’ve been anticipating for weeks will not work out, again,” I said as I slightly pushed her to keep going.

“Oh, right. I gotta go, bye!”

“Bye!”

I took a deep breath as silence engulfed the whole book shop. Once again, the smell of paperbacks surrounded me. It was a very soothing feeling that a bookworm could only relate to.

I started sorting out of my backpack: my books, pencil case, my iPad together with my iPad pencil and my laptop. I set the timer to 2 hours before I started focusing on studying for my exams tomorrow morning.

I am expecting that no one would dare to visit a book shop at 11 in the evening but after 30 minutes of simultaneously focusing, the shop’s front doorbell jingled. Therefore, breaking the momentum.

I took a deep breath before placing down my iPad pencil. I stood up and was about to greet the customer when my tongue betrayed me to utter a word.

“I was wondering if you have a copy of Jane Austen’s book Emma?” the customer asks as he was looking through dozens of books in front of him. It seems like I could not utter a word; my throat went dry that if I dare to speak, he still couldn’t hear me.

What is he doing here?

When I didn’t answer, he looked my way, and just like me, he went frozen, too.

“Nikola…” his eyes gleamed due to the bright lamp above him. Slowly, he went closer to the counter and hardbound book with a title: “Fall for You"