It's Not Him, It's You

Chapter 4: Meeting the Past (Again)

What the hell is he doing here?

Everything around me came in to blur and he’s the only one I can only see as he slowly approaches me. I got enough time to inspect his face and I noticed that he got even…manlier. Wearing his denim jacket over his skin-tight white shirt and flushed jeans. His silky hair is pushed back which gave that charismatic effect to anyone.

“Nikola? Are you okay?”

My eyes fluttered and came back to my trance. What have I been doing?!

I cleared my throat, “H-hello, how may I help you, sir?” I smiled like the way I greet the other customers. I am so thankful that my hands are under the counter because it would be very embarrassing to let him see it quivering due to my nervousness.

He bit his lower lip and snickered like I just said something unbelievable. “Really, Nikola? Scion is the name, ma’am,” he smirked.

“I get that but how may I help you? Do you need any assistance?” I remained composed. Not me. Not now.

He sighed, “Yeah. I was wondering if you still have a copy of Emma by Jane Austen? I’ve been dreading to read it again these days,” he said while looking straight into my eyes.

I felt my eyes swelled up and my chests started to thump so fast. Remembering those days made my stomach do this ugly feeling. I took a deep breath and smiled back at him, “I’m sorry, sir but that was out of stock. You may try another Jane Austen book. We have Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility,” I said ignoring the weird feeling going inside my gut.

“That’s a bummer. Can I just borrow your copy?”

My eyes quickly narrowed. What is he playing at?

“If you really wanted a copy, sir, you have to wait for two weeks before we order again 50 copies of the book, or you can just buy from other stores,” I said, though he’s starting to get into my nerves, I did not give in and remained composed.

He stayed silent for a while. His eyes went to my clutters, “Where are you studying?” he suddenly asked, curiosity was all over his face.

I knew this would come. Thankfully, I prepared an alibi, however, his question doesn’t have any concern of the book he’s been looking, “You can roam around for a bit if ever you find something interesting. But about your book, I can’t do anything about it. So,” I gave him a timid smile and returned studying for my exam tomorrow morning.

“How long will you keep on ignoring me? I bet you would flee to another place just to hide away from me for no reason,” he said coldly.

I froze but still ignored him. I continued writing some key points on my iPad to divert my attention.

“I missed you so much, Nikola,” he suddenly said in his deep voice. “An explanation won’t hurt, you know?”

I stopped writing and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and quickly stood up, “Why do I have to explain myself to you?”

“You just left like that! How would you expect me to understand that?”

Those eyes made me felt that he was hurt and I am this merciless person who just left him behind like that. But I have no choice.

“It’s in the past. I was just 16 back then and all of those are part of my teenage dream. It’s different now. Don’t you know how to move on?”

“Ha...,” his breath shuddered as he looks down on the floor with his right hand at the back of his neck. He looked up with a teary eye. “It has always been you, Nikola. It such a big mistake that I let myself fell in love with a girl like you,”

“I guess you just made the biggest mistake of your life,” I coldly said. “If you don’t have any interest in buying a book, I may ask you to leave,” I sat down with my heart beating so fast and my hands trembling like crazy worms. I plugged in my earphones and let the music resonate inside my mind. Why does this have to happen?

I closed the shop early because I felt tired already. I took a warm bath before going to bed to freshen up my mind. After everything that happens earlier, all emotions I have been keeping all these years break out of my chest. Instead of making me feel light, it just made everything messier and heavier.

The next morning, I went to the university an hour before the exam, so I could take time to review my notes. Thirty minutes later, Jessica arrived, of course, with a hangover. I held out the water bottle to her, that I bought on my way here, with my eyes still on my notes.

“Thanks,” she groaned. “f**k this head. Why does it hurt like this always? I just drank, like, 3 or 4 bottles of beer! That was it!”

“Are you sure it’s just 3 or 4 bottles of beer?” I said, swiping the next page using my Apple pen.

“Well, maybe, 5 bottles and 3 shots from the red cups?” she leaned her back and elbows on the table while seating in opposite direction.

“Aren’t you going to make revisions? Reviews? It’s exam week, you know?” I reminded her as she enjoys the sweet sunshine and the cold autumn breeze.

“I’m done doing that last week, so I can attend parties this week,”

“You’re unbelievable!” I gasped as I turned to look at her with my mouth left agape.

“I guess that’s me,” she grinned as she points to herself.

“Why life is so unfair?”

“I ask that to myself every day. Anyway, I want you to come with me to a party this—”

“You know that I have a job. And if you’re thinking that you can make me trade-off my shift for a favor, no, that’s not going to happen,”

“Oh, come on, Cole! You need to have fun, too! You’ve been studying and working. Make a time for yourself, too!” she grinned.

“That’s what I do. Hot cocoa and my favorite classic book,” I grinned back at her but more into a more sarcastic way.

“Oh, come on! That’s a bit boring!” she rolled her eyes.

“Came from a girl who doesn’t like reading too much,” I chuckled as I check my Notion app.

“I miss those days we party together. Besides, I want to introduce you to my other friends,”

“Including your f**k friends? No thanks,”

“Not them! The decent ones~”

No matter how much she hates ‘boys’, she can’t still resist her hormonal urge to ‘do something’. So, she hooks up to any boys she met at every party, and with a snap of a finger, she switches everything off between them. What a heartbreaker.

“The decent ones, huh?” I smirked at her and shake my head.

“Yup! Ooh~ do you want me to introduce you to my very hot cousin?”

I rolled my eyes, “Jess, stop involving your cousin and me in your unpragmatic schemes of yours,” I chuckled as I start to pack my things.

“He’s in the ‘moving on’ stage, you know? He’s moving on from his teenage sweetheart, the hell it makes me cringe, and I think you can help him move on,”

I paused. We’re quite in the same situation. “Are you sure he's hot?” I look at her.

A mischievous grin flashed on her face, “Very hot,” she corrected. “So, are you coming?” she leaned closer to me with her puppy eyes that, generally speaking, doesn’t really suit her.

Maybe a diversion will do. “When?”

“Friday night,”

“I’ll think about it,” I stood up and started to walk away because the exam is five minutes away before it starts

“There’s nothing to think about! Come on, aren’t you dried up down there?”

I stop dead on my track and turn around at her, “You don’t know how to filter that filthy mouth of yours, do you?”

“That’s my crown chakra,”

“Chakra, your mouth,”

She hooked up her arms with mine and we laugh as we headed to our classes.

It seems like every word I have spoken in front of him yesterday night sunk to Scion’s head because he didn’t come back to the bookshop the very next night. So, I head back peacefully to the apartment building.

I watch as the number goes up and when it stopped at the number 15, the elevator opened. However, I wasn’t able to step out quickly because I was totally frozen on the spot.

Scion’s standing outside the elevator. What the hell?

“Are you going to step out of the elevator or what?” he asks but I remained immobile.

“What are you doing here?” I ask him back in a high-pitch tone.

“Is that the only question you have for me whenever we meet?” he deadpanned.

“Well, I guess that’s the only one. What are you expecting?”

“A lot. A lot of questions, Nikola,”

The elevator starts to close its doors. Only then Scion suddenly held one of my wrists and pulled me out of the elevator. I bumped into his hard chest that I could hear his heartbeat. I raise my head up and our eyes met.

My heart suddenly went crazy like a lion on a cage, trying to get out. I was held captive both by his arms and his mesmerizing eyes.

What’s has gotten into me?

I quickly pulled myself together and pushed him away. “You never answered my question. What are you doing in this building? In this exact floor?”

Hands-on his pockets, he said, “I’m here to visit you,”

“Visit me? How did you know I live here? How the heck did you get in?”

“Janice helped me get in,” he said casually like both they are good friends.

Janice lives here on the fifth floor. “What did you tell her?”

“Tell her what?”

I firmly closed my eyes as I feel the hot blood starting to flow upon my head. “What did you tell her that you convinced her to tell my address?”

“Oh, I told her I’m your boyfriend—”

“My, what?!”

“That I’m your boyfriend. I told her we got into a fight and I just want to make it up to you. She finds it sweet, so she told me your address,”

My jaw slowly drops and I think a vein in my neck explodes. “What the hell?” I gritted my teeth as I try to suppress my anger. The audacity of this guy! I’m pretty sure Janice will be asking me countless questions because of this.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I came for a solution. I have to make an end to this. “Scion…we were just young back then and…I don’t understand why you keep on pushing this—”

“That kiss…doesn’t it mean anything to you?”

I paused as I look into his eyes, “Yes. It doesn’t mean anything to me,” I said coldly as ice that I could see how the glimmer in his eyes slowly fades away. “Now, can you leave me alone, like I don’t know, forever?”

“If it doesn’t mean to you, why are you making this a big deal? Why do you keep me pushing away? Why did you change your number? Why didn’t you even say goodbye?” he relentlessly asks.

Questions about the past. This is what I have been so scared to answer. And knowing that the only person I expect to asks me these questions is him. I am so afraid to even utter a word. Only remembering those moments with him hurts my feelings so much. I was there on the cliff, enjoying the scenery before me with the boy I have these unexplainable feelings with, while my mother was… was fighting for her life in the hospital just because she was hit by a car after she bought something for me.

I looked down as I felt my headache a bit, “I’m tired. Just…just leave,” I step forward to walk away from him but he quickly held my arm and turn me around to face him.

“Answer me first! Look at me!”

 A hot tear rolled down my eyes. I slowly held my head up and his grasp weakened as our eyes met.

“A-are you crying?”

I’m so tired that my eyes just wanted to shut on their own. My eyes started to flutter that there is only a blurry Scion that I could see. The last thing I could remember is that my head landed into something hard and I dived into darkness.