What I Never Said Out Loud
724 Words
Ambience: Late-night hum of a standing fan. A softly glowing laptop screen. One girl, writing a letter no one will ever read.
—
May mga tanong akong pinipigil—hindi dahil wala akong karapatan, kundi dahil alam kong once I ask them, hindi ko na mababalik ‘yung dating version ng sarili ko.
Like this one:
“Did you ever really love me… or did I just make it so easy for you to stay?”
—
Tuesday night. You were sprawled on the couch, scrolling through your phone. Laughing at something. Ako naman, tahimik lang sa dining table, watching you from across the room. May hinanda akong leche flan—first time kong sinubukan. Akala ko matutuwa ka.
Amara: “Babe, try mo ‘to. I made it kanina habang wala ka.”
Calix (barely glancing): “Mamaya na. Busog pa ako.”
‘Yun lang. Walang “Ang galing mo,” walang “Thank you,” not even eye contact.
Hindi ka nagalit. Wala ka ring masamang sinabi. Pero that kind of silence?
Masakit.
Kasi alam mong hindi ka na pinaglalaanan ng pansin. Hindi na pinagsisikapan. Hindi ka na inaalala.
Pero andito pa rin ako.
---
Flashback: Three months ago.
You were heartbroken. Fresh from a bad goodbye with someone you used to chase for years. I held your hand while you cried. I didn’t say much—just listened. Just stayed.
Calix: “Don’t leave. Please. Ayoko na maulit ‘yung dati.”
That night, you slept on my lap like a broken version of yourself. I played with your hair and whispered, “I’m not like her.”
And that’s how it began.
Not with a first date. Not with flowers.
But with me carrying pieces I didn’t break.
---
Back to the present.
You were asleep beside me—snoring softly, arms heavy on the blanket. Ako, gising pa rin. As usual. So I opened my laptop and wrote.
Not for work. Not for school.
For me.
And maybe, somehow, for you too.
---
[Letter Draft – Not Sent]
Dear Calix,
May mga gabing gusto kong gumising ka habang umiiyak ako, pero hindi mo man lang na-realize na basa na ‘yung unan natin. May mga tanong akong hindi ko maitanong, kasi baka kapag sinagot mo… hindi ko kayanin.
Like, ‘Do you miss her more than you’re learning to love me?’
Sometimes, when you kiss me, I can tell. You’re trying to remember what love is supposed to feel like. But love isn’t supposed to be forced, right?
Still, I stayed. Kasi gusto kong maniwala.
Even if every day, I lose a part of myself just to make space for what you lost before me.
I didn’t send it. I just stared at the screen for a while, then saved it as a draft. Folder name: “Never Sent.”
---
The next morning.
Nasa kusina ka, sipping coffee. Quiet. Reading something on your phone.
I walked in, testing the air. Trying to decide if today was the day I’d ask:
“Are you really happy with me?”
Pero bago pa ako makalapit—
Calix: “May party pala next week sa condo ni Brent. Sama ka ha.”
Amara (trying to sound light): “Ah, hindi ako invited?”
Calix (smiling a little): “Ikaw na ang plus one ko, ‘di ba?”
There it was again.
Plus one.
Hindi “girlfriend.” Hindi “si Amara.”
Just someone he brings when convenient.
I smiled. Of course I did.
---
Later that day, I recorded a voice memo—one I never sent.
[VO Memo – Timestamp: 3:12 PM]
“Kahit anong pilit kong magsalita, nauunahan ako ng takot. Kasi kapag sinabi ko na ang totoo—baka mawala ka.
Pero totoo rin, sa bawat araw na tahimik lang ako… ako ‘yung nawawala sa sarili ko.”
---
Scene cue: Amara staring at herself in the mirror, bare face, slightly tired eyes.
“Do you even remember who I was before I shrank myself just to fit into the spaces your past love left behind?”
---
“I didn’t ask the hard questions. Because I already knew the answers.
And sometimes, silence isn’t strength—it’s fear disguised as loyalty.”
Fade to black. Sound of a pen closing. Laptop shutting quietly.
- Writer
