Unlikeable

Talk to Me

The last thing a parent wants to hear is that their child is hurting themselves. All this time, I've been fussing at Kehlani about all the things that I did that were wrong as a teen. I never stopped to question what she was going through. I knew she had this dark look, and she was having problems with the other students.

After the incident, I thought things were okay, and she didn't want to have friends. All she wanted to do was argue and smoke weed; that's the only problem I saw she had, but I was blind. Kyro said she was going through something, but he was always in her corner. The man had her spoiled. Whatever she wanted, she got, and it was like that from day one. She had his heart, and he was the only father she had ever known.

"Did she not talk to you about any of this? Kyro, if you know about any of this, I swear we are going to have problems. My baby girl is harming herself, and from the looks of it, it's been for a while. How could I not see this?"

"I didn't know about it. You can't see what she didn't want you to see. The only thing she talked to me about was the bullying. I was trying to talk to you about it, but you said that it was Kehlani acting out. She's been trying to reach out to you, Simone, but you had it in your mind that she was you at that age."

That was true, but she would have asked me to stop talking and listen to what she had to say. I know nothing of what she did outside of the house, and when she was at home, all she did was stay closed off in that room, looking at television or smoking weed. I didn't want her to be like me, so I fussed, and that made her find a different spot to smoke.

Now all I could think about was the ways to help her. I couldn't take her to the hospital because they would want to hold her for seventy-two hours, and I couldn't let that happen. I had to find someone whom I could trust.

"Stop it, Sim, I know that face, and you are thinking about getting her the wrong help. I have a friend who's a psychiatrist, I'll give him a call in the morning... when he's at work. We will get her taken care of until then; the only thing we can do is show her that we care." That was true, but I couldn't help but worry about her and her safety. What if one day she decided to take her life? What was I supposed to do?

The s**t had me checking in on the girl as if she were Roman. At the moment, she was playing with her baby brother on the floor, looking at Bluey. Truly, he was the only thing that kept her going. The love of a big sister was a lot, and she made sure to show him her love.

"This is the tenth time you have come in here, Mom. I know what I told you was disturbing, but I don't need you watching over me. I'm okay, and I'm about to go into the backyard. I need some fresh air."

"No, if you want to smoke, hit my pen. I'd rather you not go out the door. I want to make sure..."

"That I don't hurt myself. I know, and I don't want your pen. I would rather have the real thing." She spoke as she went up the stairs. I was being overbearing, but she was my child, and I had to make sure she was okay.

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I should have kept my big mouth closed if I'd known she was going to act crazy about this whole thing; I would have kept it to myself. Now I had her checking in on me every 15 to 20 minutes, and she wouldn't let me leave the house. It was like that all day and night yesterday. Today I was sitting waiting to see dad's friend since the two of them thought I was crazy.

I mean, most of the world's smartest people were crazy, and I was at the top of my class even though the boy underneath me made valedictorian. The school was afraid that I would scare the crowd as if I paint my face or something. That wasn't me, but that's how everyone looked at me to be.

"Keh-lani... that's a beautiful name. What brings you in to see me today?"

"You should know. Didn't your co-worker tell you the problem? I've been self-harming, and now my Mom thinks that I'm crazy and suicidal."

"Is there a reason you're harming yourself?"

"To make me feel better. To tell myself that I'm beautiful and lovable."

"So..."

"Look, woman, you and I can go back and forth about why I'm harming myself. I know all your questions are going to be different, in different ways, to see if I would change my story. I cut myself because it takes away the pain. Can I go now?" I asked as the lady smiled and stood. She was about to look for my parents as if I weren't eighteen. I didn't need them to tell her s**t. If I didn't want to be here, I didn't have to be. I decided to be here, and now I want to leave. Instead, the doctor left, and she was gone about twenty minutes before coming back in with my dad and another man.

"Are you about to let them lock me away?"

"Never, Kehlani, you are here because you want help. It's the reason you reached out to your mother. Now, I would like to know what made you reach out."

"HIPAA." I smiled as my dad sighed that what I told them wasn't supposed to be shared with my parents. If I wanted it to be, I would have had them as my doctors and not these two losers who didn't know what they were doing.

"We will continue this next week, and I would like for you to come alone if you can. You have a lot that you want to talk about, but your parents want to know too, but that's something you have to discuss with them, as you stated, there are laws in place about discuss your medical concerns."

I knew they were, and I was happy to leave that place, although my dad asked me all kinds of questions on the way home. He was only trying to understand what made me hurt myself, but it was hard to put into words to explain to him. All I wanted to do was get the end of the year out of the way. I had a few more days until graduation, and I couldn't wait.

Until then, I was going to do what I did best: sleep, play with my brother, and smoke. As soon as I was home, I went to the backyard to smoke. It was peaceful out there, and I loved watching nature and the other neighbors work in their yards. Everything was going well until I saw Connor with some blonde. Something about it upset me, so I put out my blunt and stumbled back into my house.

I was hurt, and the first thing I thought about doing was cutting myself. I didn't think as I made my way into my bathroom, finding my razor and cutting my arm. After I sat on the floor watching as the blood poured out into the little container that I used to get my blood to write with. I had a lot to say in my journal tonight and I needed a lot of blood.

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"What's got you moody this morning?" Mom asked as I looked at her, but I didn't say a word. I didn't want to talk about it. He was the last person I wanted to speak about. I thought he was my friend, but, like everyone else who came into my life the way he did, was a liar.

"I'm not moody, I'm sleepy, and I would like to eat and go back to my room and suffocate."

"Let me see your arms."

"What?! No! What do you think this is, Ma? I'm not your patient, and you will not treat me as one." I said, pulling away from her and leaving. I wasn't about to be a prisoner in my own home. I told her what was going on with me because I needed... no, I wanted help, but if that meant I had to be on lockdown, I should have never opened my mouth.

Anyhow, I went straight to the backyard when I should have left home. But I was angry, and it wasn't a good idea at the time. My mom was getting on my nerves, always asking to see my arms whenever she saw me. I only wanted some air, something she needed to understand.

"I haven't seen you in a while."

"And I would like for it to stay that way. Go leave me alone." Instead, he sat beside me with a sigh as I stood and started to walk away. Connor, on the other hand, grabbed my hand and pulled me back. I didn't want to talk the man, and he had to see that.

"You and I haven't talked in days, and now you're acting like I killed your dog. Do you mind telling me what's going on? What did I do?"

"I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone. All I wanted was some f*****g alone time. You and my Mom seem like you don't freaking get it. I don't want to talk to you or f*****g see you again."

I didn't mean the words coming out of my mouth, but I was mad. Mad about a lot of things that I didn't understand. I was mad at my mom because she was being overbearing. At my dad because he wasn't stopping her. I was mad at Connor for having a girlfriend and at myself for everything.

Since he was out back, I went and sat on my front porch. It was relaxing until my dad decided to let out Charlie, who was doing everything but using the bathroom. I loved the big fur ball when he knew I was down; our bounties were nonexistent.

"Charlie... Charlie use the bathroom, Bro!"

"How many times do I have to tell you that Charlie only knows one thing, and that's to give kisses. Your Mom said you freaked out on her. Do you want to talk about it?" I didn't. However, my dad knows how to make me talk. All he had to do was give me that one look with his brow arched, and I knew it meant for me to talk.

"Every time she sees me, she wants to see my arms. I told her that because I wanted a little help understanding why I'm like this, why I'm unlikable."

"I understand your Mother. She wants to make sure that her baby girl is okay. I also understand you and why it's getting on your nerves. Baby girl, you're not unlikeable; people don't understand you, and they don't care to. That's their fault for not learning to see that people have different styles; everyone cannot be alike, because if we were. Who would we be? I have to ask, and you know my word is bond. Tell me, have you been cutting yourself?" I stared at him as he looked back intently. I hated that look, and he knew it. Still, I didn't want to talk about it.

"No."

"I want to believe you, Kehlani, but something about that tells me not to. The next time you feel like harming yourself, talk to me... Please."