Her Absolution

Chapter 18

    I feel something soft under me. Where am I? I open me eyes and see that I'm in my room. How did I get here? I hear my phone ringing from somewhere. As my mind and body acostomed to waking up I realize that someone is calling me. Who is could be calling me now? Turning around I see my phone on the night stand, extending my arm I take the phone, answering without looking at the caller ID.

“Auty! I’m coming over. You have a lot of explaining to do. I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

    Sarah' coming over. Sarah is coming over! No. No. No. This can't be happening. She ended the call. I lift half my body from bed. Oh my, Sarah’s coming, Ashton is in the other room. Oh goddess, Ashton. Last night was incredible and breath taking. This is not the time to think about that. I get out of bed running to Parker’s room. Before opening it I knock on the door, no response. I open the door and Ashton is not in there. I run down the stairs looking for him. He wasn’t in the living room; I went to the kitchen, and he wasn’t there either. He wasn't outside either. Could he be in the studios? No, he wouldn't know about them.

    Then where is he? Because he wasn't in the theather room either. Did he leave? I went back to my room and saw a sticky note tape on the door. Had to leave, emergency at home. See you on Monday. Something tells me there is no emergency. I f*****g, f**k it. Great, the one guy I started to like after Ryan the asshole and I blow it up. Did I went to far last night? Did I push him to fast? A lot of thoughts are going through my mind, making me have a little headache. It's too early I need my coffe. 

    I enter my room and go change. Then go to the bathroom and do my morning routine. Last night was something else entirely. I never thought I would see that side of him, the kind and gentle one. He was calm. It didn't look like he was caring the weight of the world on his shoulders. And his facade was no longer there. It was nice to see him this way.

    The night was one of the best ones I've had in a long time. The best part I was so comfortable that I fell asleep quite easily. The entire time we were outside I was trying to keep my eyes open at some point I did. The only time I didn't fight him was after he peck my lips. I don't know if it was talking to him or being near him or if it was the night that made me find sleep easily. I also don't know but every time Ashton does something I'm comparing him to Ryan. He does everything better than that prick of an asshole Ryan.

    Once again I go down the stairs to the kitchen and start breakfast. Knowing full well that Sarah did not have breakfast at her house. I take the ingredients out for pancakes and scramble eggs and start making coffee. I know the reason she's here is because she wants to know what happened to me last night. I don't know if to tell her or keep it to myself, for now. I hear keys dangling and the door opening. 

“Auty are you in the kitchen? I smell something delicious. What you making girl?”

“Pancakes and scramble eggs.”

    From the corner of my eye I see her entering the kitchen. She starts to inspect my cooking and nods approving it. This girl, she's lucky that she is my best friend. I really don't know what I would have done without her. And I never want to find out. 

“Damn baby. This looks incredible. You're a cook sent from heaven.”

I laugh at her words. I know I cook deliciously but not award winnning. She's just used to my cooking.

“Shut up.”

    We stay silent for a while. I know she desperately want to know about last night. And she doesn't waste any more time and asks me what happened after she left with Marcus. I told her I will explain everything when I finish cooking. She gives me a little pout and finishes making our coffee, mine iced and hers hot. We make our way to the backyard terrace where we have a table and chairs to eat outside. It has a fireplace and a few feet away a roof over the table. The roof has some curtains, their white and transparent. 

    As we walk to the terrace and pass by the grass I remember last night. It was where Ashton and I lay down and look at the sky. For me it was perfect I don't know about him. But I hope he at least have a good time.

    While we had our breakfast I told Sarah everything. And when I said everything I mean everything even about make out session that almost turn into s*x. But I didn’t gave her the details that would be too much for me and her. She was in shock and surprise. Then she started hitting me and yelling at me.

“Are you crazy? You should have had more control of yourself!”

“Sarah come on; we are teenagers with hormones that are of the roof.”

“True. But I though that after Ryan you would have abstinence yourself from s*x. At least for 3 years or forever.”

“Ha, you're crazy. Sometimes things happens, ones that you don't plan. Ashton just woke that s**t up. And to not have s*x forever, what would I become a nun?”

“NO! I meant get involve with guys at all. Ryan, the prick asshole, left you to pick up the shattered pieces of your heart, way before the fire.”

“I know and I promise myself to not go there until I’m all healed up.”

“And when is that? Auty for you to start healing you have to talk about everything. Everything that happened. You have to let go; it was not your fault. Let go of that guilt, let go of the what ifs. You said it to me, that we can’t change the past only the present.”

“Sarah I just don’t think I’m ready to let it go. Let the feeling go away. To start fresh. The pain is my punishment.”

“Punishment for what? For Asher? For you? For falling in love to that prick? Or punishment for the miscarriage? Is that it? Autumn you know there was nothing to do about it. You fell that day at the fire, and you lost your baby. It’s okay to feel guilty about it but don’t punish yourself for something you have no control over. It happened and now it's time to move forward.”

    Talking about this brings the memories back. Finding out that I was pregnant, that Ryan didn't want anything to do with the baby, and the miscarriege. Finding out I lost my baby girl and my brother it broke my heart more than it already was. Sarah was right I need to stop punishing myself for loosing my baby girl. It's just hard and painful. I wanted to meet her, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I keep punishing myself because I was her mother, she was inside me. I was supposed to protect her. But I guess it wasn’t on the universe plans for us to meet.

“Autumn please stop punishing yourself. If you don’t, you’ll start to become your dad.”

    No. I won't become him, a stupid shell of himself. I know I have been one this past months. But not anymore. I will not live my life this way, I deserve better than this ache in my heart, in my body, in my soul. I stand up from the chair, breakfast already done. 

“There’s something I have to do Sarah.”

I move from the table and grab the plates putting them inside the dishwasher. Sarah following me inside.

“Where are you going?”

    I turn to her and see that she was worried I was going to do something harmful. She sometimes think that talking about everything will be to painful and will make me do stupid things. 

“Don’t worry about me. I have to do something.”

“Do what Autumn?”

    Sarah looks at me and I look at her. We are not moving at all, just standing there in the middle of the hall and watching the other. Feeling confident I tell her with the must sincerity that I can muster up. 

“To start healing. I need to do this.”

To say goodbye.

    I go to my room and change my clothes. I put on a yellow sleeveless turtleneck shirt with a black skinny jean. I put on my black converse and took my black purse and put my phone in it. Sarah is in the living room sitting on the couch.

“I’ll be back. Then we’ll spend the day together.”

“You better. Whatever you do, be careful. I love you.”

“I will. I love you too.”

    I got in my car and head for the one place I have never gone to. A place I was scared of going but Sarah gave me the strength to do it. I need to stop punishing and pitying myself. I need to face facts. To face reality once and for all. Their not coming back and everything that happened it's not my fault.

    It took me 20 minutes to get to the cemetery, the place where Asher is buried. The one place I avoid at all times. At first the family came a lot, at least two times a week. But I never came, I didn’t want to see this place. The place where my brother is buried. His final resting place. I took my time looking for his tombstone but from the conversation I heard from mom, and Parker I know I’m getting close. Mom and dad decided to put him under a big tree. Seeing it I stop walking, it’s only a few steps away.

    This is it Autumn, you can do it, you're already here. Don't back out, don't be a coward. I get close and see his tombstone. It was squeaky clean, and he had some flowers, fresh ones. I know there not from Sarah because she leaves her favorites, lilies, this ones are different. This flowers look from our garden. This is where dad has been going, it wasn't work related. His been coming here. Only he would take the flowers out from our garden, he planted them, and he never let anyone touch them. The flowers are for Asher.

    I sit in front of the tombstone. I trace the letters with my fingers. It had the typical writing; beloved son, brother, and friend, and the dates he was born and died. But there was something else; all we have is now. Mom must have added this. He found this on the internet one time and love it, it was close to what he believe in life. I start crying my eyes out, it hurt. My vision gets blurry. I keep crying not stopping. I have cry for him before, but this is for her too. For all of us. I’m finally letting myself feel everything at the same time, the anger, the guilt, the sadness, everything.

“Why did you had to go back inside? Why? You left me, here when I needed you the must. You left us. You should have let me carry you, it was only a few feet’s, and we were outside. Alive. You left and nobody has been the same. Mom is putting on a brave face but sometimes I hear her crying at night with dad. Parker misses you; he misses your annoyance. He misses your calls every day wanting to go to Chicago again. Sometimes I see him looking at the phone, waiting. Jen is angry at herself for not making more time to spend with you. And now she's shutting herself with work.”

    I stop talking and take deep breaths. With all this talk and crying at the same time it’s getting harder to breath. I feel the lack of oxygen. I wipe my tears and snot. Trying to calm down.

“Dad is worse. He’s gloomy, don’t speak or laugh anymore. I’m worried if he stays like that that he would go into depression or that his wake-up call will be mom asking for divorce, them separating. And Ruby, sweet innocent Ruby ask about you all the time. She ask when you are coming home, why is it taking so long for you to come home to us. And I don’t say anything about what I truly feel to anyone not even Sarah. Sarah you left her too. You said she was it; she was the one and how come you let her go? How come you left us? I haven’t been to the beach house or the cabin, they remind me of us. I keep everything bottle up because you were the one I talk to, you were the one I vent to. Now you are not here, gone. Asher I love you so much and I miss you with every fiber in me. You wanted to meet her, to meet your niece. You said you were going to be her father figure, that you will protect her, protect us. I know that’s why you went back inside.”

    I start hitting his tombstone angry at him for always trying to be the hero. For wanting the attention on him. I hit it and keep hitting until I get tired and my hands are red. I put my forehead on the tombstone, resting. Waiting for the tears to stop flowing, if you can measure all that I have cry today it will be a bucket.

“I blame myself for so long. I blame Lee Anne. I blame you. I blame Ryan. For everything. But I need to stop blaming and start accepting that it happened and even if I knew what I know now nothing will change because it was your time to leave. I need to stop hiding in the blames, to stop using them as excuses to see the real picture. And it’s that nobody have control of what they can’t control even if we think we can. You are the second boy who broke my heart Asher and this time the pieces are not easy to put them together. But I will because I have to stop thinking that I died that day with you. I didn’t. I lost you, my twin, but I didn’t lost myself. I’m still alive and you make sure of that.”

    I stand up and clean my face once again, the last tears going down my cheeks to my neck landing on my chest. I inhale then exhale; I do this four times knowing that I’m going to be okay. I vent what I really wanted to tell him. The anger, the sadness, everything that I have been keeping inside. 

“Thank you Asher for being the best older brother ever. For protecting me, for shielding me form the world, the cruelty of words and from boys who wanted to hurt me. Thank you for letting me see that Ashton isn’t like the rest, you respected him. You let me see that all that he does is a facade he puts because he is hurting too. You let me know, whenever you talk about him, that his a good guy. I guess something deep inside you knew that one day our paths will crossed. Thank you for everything but I can take it from here. I have to stop hiding and face reality. I have been baby to much for the longest time. I love you Asher, always will.”

    And with those last words I left the cemetery, knowing I’ll be back. I can't keep avoiding this place or my feelings. Dad too has to face reality. He has to mourn his son and move forward because he still haves me and a little girl to raise, to laugh and to love. He still has four children that needs him. I felt a little of the weight on my shoulders lifted, I feel freer. At least free of the guilt and the anger. The wall crumble completely and there is no way to build it up again. And I don't want to, it needs to stay broken for me to heal properly. I know it will take time but this time I'm doing it because I want to. I'm healing because I accepted that they are gone and they are not coming back. This time let's do it right, no more running and no more hiding. Let's face reality.