Not Poor Enough For Pity

CHAPTER 4:A GLITCH IN THE PORCELAIN

The car ride to the event was silent only the hum of the car engine and the air conditioner and the scent of my mothers expensive perfume with crackling tension that tightens every minute. In the Backseats, I sat at the window seat staring out at the houses and buildings we pass by seemingly in my own world. I keep going back to I had spoke those words to Ashley just an hour ago. I can still remember her face, it flashed with hurt and I could still remember her tearing up as I left that sterile clinic.

The phantom feel of my hand colliding with her face was a foreign feeling. I lift my palm, seemingly as if to feel if whatever I had done was true.

I feel dirty. Disgusted at myself.

“By the way you’re acting I can tell you’ve placed that Vane girl in her place. You’ve done wonderful. ” the calmness of my mothers voice was more haunting. Seemingly as if she didn’t just deny her own daughter the support she needed.

“She’s to naïve to be friends with you, porcelina. You should stay away from her, if I see you with her again..”

“Yes, Mother.”

Even if I didn’t want to, the silence that she let on after that threat gives me a clear warning on why I should not tread on her path. I rubbed my palm at my now ruffled school uniform that was supposed to symbolize unity. I rubbed it so hard I can feel the rough fabric threatening to irritate my skin. I wanted to wash away all my sins. To just go back to the past and leave all of this.

“Oh dear, I forgot to tell you about the beautiful dress I bought for you just for this event. ”

I looked up barely seeing a mother but a seamstress that uses her threads and needles to poke her styles into a mannequin. To her, I was not a human, not a daughter or a child; I was a doll that she can place a canvas where perfection is the ideal.

I watched as she grabbed a plastic she had placed beneath her feet and handed it to me. I catch a glimpse, it was Navy blue. My favorite color.

“Isn’t the color wonderful? This would look good on your fair skin”

I heard her say with that excited tone that seemed to be hiding something deeper. I took the dress out of the plastic, my heart dropped as I was staring at a cocktail dress with a corset as big as my thigh. My mother chuckled seeing my horrified reaction. She reaches to the back and grabbed my wrist. Her smiled widening with that predatory gleam.

“who knows maybe a man might find you pretty. A beautiful doll in a blue dress ripe for the taking. I’m sure you’ve been going to the gynecologist checkups I have scheduled? Results have shown that you’re very fertile isn’t that exciting?”

I just nodded along tracing the lace of the corset. She checked her phone, seeing that it was almost time she told me to take off my clothes and change in the car.

“Mom.. People will see me through the glass”

“Don’t worry your little head over it. This car is tinted now go change.”

As she sat back down to her seat, I took off my uniform I looked out side the windows to make nobody was peeking despite being in a moving car. Anxiety hits me hard as I hurried to place the dress over me. The itchiness was impalpable enough but the entire dress was too uncomfortable to be in. My mom watched this through the mirror as she smiled watching her imagination come to life through her daughter that she calls her personal mannequin.

I wrapped the corset around my waist. It’s tightness made it hard to breathe. I tried to lace it but the car swayed too much I fell to the side with a thud. My mother was least concerned about that but the way I was putting the corset on.

“oh dear, you will rip the corset at that state. I hired fashion tutors all for nothing. You should be grateful of my benevolence when I had not shamed your weight like other mothers do.”

She jumped into the back as she laced the corset quickly with her cold hands that has no warmth snaking around. She didn’t do a count down as she pulled with all her might. I wheezed and gasped as the sound died in my throat, feeling my insides being rearranged. I struggled to breathe as I turned to her but her eyes narrowed. To her, it was just the tip of the corset iceberg where it isn’t tight enough to her liking. If I could draw breath, it isn’t enough.

Amidst all of the back chaos, my father is in the drivers seat silent and unresponsive. He kept a steady grip on the steering wheel as he stared ahead like a mannequin my mother made for her loneliness knowing no man would dare go near her.

Once we entered the gates of that sickening venue, the cameras flashed with a bright light that is supposed to act as heavenly. I stepped put of the car with grace. The Navy blue dress sparkling with shine. My heels were expensive and high quality that made women swoon. My black hair was tied to a bun made by my only good dear benevolent mother who stood beside me. She noticed my smile not reaching my eyes. Her eyes narrowed with a look I have grown to familiar with, she snaked a hand around my waist as she whispered with her voice sweet and tempting.

“Smile, my graceful porcelina.”

I tilted my head as my face formed into a beautiful crescent smile. It had costed me 8 years of discipline and lash whips for this smile I had never wanted.

I f*****g hate it here.

Hours seemed to drift by forever with the smell of wine and expensive perfumes. My face muscles started to strain. But my mother pinched my face to keep my smile open for ever one to see.

It wasn’t long when she bought me to the garden where an old man sat by the fountain drinking wine. He had whitened hair and a face that spoke of zero business. My mother nudges me closer to him as I stumble catching myself before I could fall in the water.

“this is my daughter, Yuudine mondragon.”

I gave the man a small curtsy but I could see his eyes roaming around my curvy figure. My heart dropped instantly. Dread spread across my face. I stepped back slightly but my mother continues to nudge me towards him eventually he wrapped his firm, hot and bulky arm around my waist. I wanted to cry. To scream. To yell. But, in a world where my mother is the seamstress that holds the needle and thread, I was only the mannequin she uses to get her customers.

I sat on the old man’s lap, seemingly as if I was just a cushion. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen from the corset, or maybe it was the way the “melted candle” felt against my fair skin, but something inside me finally snapped. The cold, disciplined wall I had built to push Ashley away had crumbled, leaving only the raw, unfiltered rot underneath. I was no longer the graceful Mondragon heir. I was a puppet whose strings had been pulled too tight, and all I had left was the bitter, unhinged comedy of my own tragedy. But as I stared at his face I cannot help but c***k a small smile.

He low key looks like a goddamn melted candle. What kinda hair style is that.. Pfft--

I felt my mother cold stare as she continues to discuss matters with the old dude. I tried to keep up that porcelain etiquette but I let put a small snort making the old dude turn his head with a raised brow. He was smirking know a gold troth gleaming under the garden lights. He tightened his grip on my waist as my face twitched begging myself not too laugh at the thought of this old man dripping wax onto the fountain. He leaned in close as he smelled my neck. I couldn’t even brush off the disgusting part as I tried to contain my laughter.

“heh.. A funny one ya got here. Seems like she’s falling for my charms.”

My face puffed up slightly trying to keep myself from snorting. Hearing those words while looking at this dudes face was just the gods wanting me to fail at this. A voice broke out that made me stop with my inner shenanigans.

“Perhaps she isn’t looking at how handsome you are but she’s trying to make sense on how many of those double chins she’s worth.”