A Second Chance

Chapter 1* Jamie

“This was a good location choice. This weather is perfect. What do you think, Jamie?”

I looked at my friend, Michelle, and nodded with a half hearted smile. She had lost her husband 5 years earlier. He was in a special ops branch of the military. I don’t think she’ll ever know what really happened. Michelle was a generally upbeat person who truly believed everything was a part of God’s plan. That’s not to say she wasn’t completely devastated by Tommy’s passing; but she made a lot of heartfelt social media posts about it and pushed on with their 4 kids like the supermom she always was.

“Here are your drinks, ladies.” Becca said as she handed us our glasses and sat down in a lounge chair next to me. Becca lost her husband to suicide 9 years ago. He was a bi polar, cheating, abusive addict and dying was the nicest thing he ever did for her. I met her 8 years ago when I helped her buy a house after she fled the place where her husband had died with her 3 children.

I was the last member of the “Young Widows Club”. My husband, Tony, had died in a car accident last year. We were married 12 years, had 3 beautiful children together, and I was completely in love with him. We had a whirlwind romance and moved full steam ahead with life. I was empty and lost without him. I had had a long, painful year on autopilot, of taking care of my kids, running my real estate brokerage and trying to get all of his accounts closed or transferred to myself. Michelle and Becca were with me every single step. I wish I had been able to be as helpful and available to them when they went through this. I hadn’t met Becca until after her husband died and Michelle lived in another state. We’ve been friends for 30 years. I drove her mother down to her in North Carolina to help watch the kids while she made arrangements to transfer his body to NY. Then I drove her and her kids up to NY for the services.

When Tony died, Becca slept at my house for a week. She pretended to be me on the phone and made all the arrangements she possibly could. Michelle arrived 2 days after he passed and stayed in NY for a month. They were there with me through the worst of it. They made sure I had everything in order before Michelle went home. Becca and her husband work in my brokerage so I see them nearly every day. She was there for me through every breakdown. My friendship with both of these amazing women is probably the only good thing to come from Tony’s passing. We were best friends before, but now we’re soulmates, the 3 of us.

For the one year anniversary of Tony’s death, they surprised me with a trip to Key West. They thought I needed to get away from my numb life for a few days and enjoy some sunshine and drinks with friends instead of bringing my kids down with my darkness. They were probably correct. My kids were, of course, devastated to lose their father, but kids bounce back a lot more easily than adults. They hadn’t spent their whole lives searching for Tony like I had.

I was at a point in my grief where I could be present in life again. I’d survived an entire year without Tony. I got the kids through all the birthdays, holidays, homework, friend drama, etc. We all still missed him terribly and sometimes small, random moments hurt the most but overall, we were ok now. We fell into a pattern of just us and no longer were waiting for him to walk through the door. I was terribly lonely, but had zero desire to date. Dating was…..annoying. If I was meant to find someone, I sort of believed Tony would bring him to me. If not- well, I was fine being alone before Tony. I’d be fine after him.

We were actually enjoying our trip. We were all able to tell stories about our late husbands without weeping. Becca had actually married Tony’s best friend, Matt, and I found that comforting. He had become one of my best friends over the years as well. He and Becca became real estate agents when I opened my brokerage. Becca mostly works as my assistant both personally and in the office. Michelle spent a good portion of her marriage alone, as her husband was frequently deployed. She’s content like this. Maybe when her boys are grown she’ll consider dating but for now, she says she’s ok and we believe her.

Key West was beautiful this time of year. Not humid yet, but really warm. We were laying in the sun, drinking, shopping and being worry free for a few days. It was healing.

It was our second to last night and we were enjoying a delicious dinner with a beautiful view of the sunset, when we were interrupted by a super tall, very good looking man with a sexy deep voice.

“Excuse me, ladies. I’m so sorry to interrupt your dinner.” He turns to me and asks, “Are you Jamie White?”

Surprised, I looked up at him and squinted thoughtfully, trying to place him. “That was my maiden name but, yes, that’s me. How do you know me?”

“This is super random. You probably forgot me completely, but we actually dated about 15 years ago. My name is-”

“Jordan Keyes.” I blurted out. He nodded, looking pleased that I remembered him.

Michelle’s eyes went wide as she remembered who this guy was. “Jordan, you’re the guy who asked Jamie to move to Florida to be with you and then ghosted her, right?” She said it lightheartedly but also accusatory.

Becca stifled a laugh and Jordan let out a nervous chuckle. “I didn’t exactly ghost her but what I did wasn’t much better.”

“No. It was not better.” Michelle responded, staring him down.

A momentary silence fell over us and I decided it was a good idea to sort of dismiss him, “Well, as fun as it is to remember that delightful time in my life-”

“Wait. What I did to you has bothered me for years and I’d hate myself if I didn’t take this opportunity to explain what happened. You deserve to know.” He said quickly.

“Ok. Explain.” Becca responded, smiling at him mischievously.

“Actually, I was hoping we could go somewhere to talk privately, if you’re willing to hear me out.” He said, looking straight at me. “Would you like to take a walk?” He stared at me intently, looking determined and hopeful.

I looked over at my friends and they both nodded at me. I looked back at him and agreed, “Alright, let’s take a walk.”

We left the restaurant and walked down the beach to the water, where we removed our shoes and walked along the edge. We made this journey in complete silence.

He cleared his throat, “I’m not sure where to begin.”

“How about you tell me why you blew me off.” I prompted him.

He sighed and rubbed his hand on the back of his head.

“I was an i***t. Thinking about it now, I realize that none of the reasons I had then, are as valid as I thought they were. I want to start off by saying that I was in love with you, too. I know we never said it. It was only ever insinuated and then brushed past but when I met you, I just felt a wave of relief. Like, ‘this is what it should feel like’.

“I’m not sure how much you remember, but I was in the process of getting a divorce. I was only 23 and going through a major lifestyle change. I was losing weight, eating healthier, stopped smoking and was crashing with a friend in his apartment. I got on the dating site just to feel around and see if I was ready to date. And there you were, almost right away. You weren’t my type at all. You were thinner and shorter than anyone I’d ever gone for, plus, never in my life had I wanted a blonde. For some reason, I wanted to meet with you. I was drawn to you. And I thought you would be a great introduction back to dating. But then I met you, and got to know you and before I knew it, I was imagining a life together.

“The problem was that once I realized I had real, intense feelings for you, I became harshly aware of the messy transition my life was in. You want to be ready for the love of your life. You want to have your s**t together and basically be your best self when you meet them so there are no obstacles or possible deal breakers in the way. I wanted to be certain of who I was before I moved into a relationship with someone. I had been complacent and unhappy for so long in my first marriage. I didn’t want that to happen again.

“Anyway, as soon as I realized this, I knew I had to end things with you. I figured doing it immediately would be best. You would be confused but I’d hoped you’d chalk it up to me being an a–hole and move on. We hadn’t actually been together more than a few weeks and you were so resistant to moving fast. Plus, you told me they renewed your contract at your job. I thought it was all a perfect plan. You’d be going home to NY for 4 months. That would give me plenty of time to get my s**t together. Then, when you’d returned, I’d do everything in my power to get a second chance.”

I stopped walking. He took a few more steps before noticing and turning back towards me.

“Can we sit?” I asked. He nodded and led me back up the beach to these large cushioned bench swings. I sat with my feet tucked under me, slightly turned towards him while he gently swayed us back and forth.

“So you broke up with me, in order to be with me?” I asked, incredulously.

“Yes. It sounds so stupid like that. I honestly thought it was the perfect plan. I texted you that I had too much going on to be in a relationship. Then I silenced all notifications from you. I didn’t want to see if you hated me. I just told myself I’d make it up to you. I worked twice as hard on myself. I took my diet and exercise extremely seriously. I pushed my divorce through as quickly as possible. It was finalized in July. I got my own place at the end of August. I was even looking into other career options. When the Theatre’s season started up again, I was ready. I bought a ticket for the first opening night and showed up for the pre-show cocktail hour with flowers.”

“No you didn’t.” I told him, not believing this at all. I gave him a look that said I thought he was full of s**t. He looked at me sadly and continued.

“I looked around and walked the whole lobby at least 3 times. I saw your old boss but she was with 2 girls that weren’t you. They flashed the lights that the show was going to start so I quickly grabbed a playbill and searched it for you. That’s when I saw it: someone else’s name next to your position. I started to panic. I left the theatre and walked as calmly as I could to the bar across the street where I remembered the crew liked to hang out during the show. When I didn’t see you there, I finally asked your boss where you were. She told me you’d canceled your contract a few weeks ago because you got a better job in NY. She went on to say she was devastated but I barely heard her. I thanked her and handed her the flowers, before leaving the bar. I walked over to the water and sat on the ledge we sat on during our first date. I finally looked up your social media for the first time and saw you were with someone new. It broke me. I never, for a second, considered you’d move on. I thought your contract was a done deal and you’d definitely be returning to Florida. I was heartbroken and only had myself to blame.

“The next couple months were rough. I drove my friends crazy lamenting my stupid plan. Most of them told me not to break up with you from the start. They did a really good job not saying, ‘I told you so’.

“I had a trip to England planned to visit my brother during the holidays. I had a stop in NY on the way back. I decided I’d make it a longer layover and go see you to beg you to take me back. However, while I was away, I saw that you got engaged. I’m going to be honest, I don’t remember the rest of my trip. Or the next couple of weeks. Bernadette was someone I’d met at the gym a while ago. She’d flirted with me but I was focused on you. She took my heartbreak as an opportunity to get closer to me and, well, one thing led to another and we slept together. Then we just kept doing it. Time went on and she got pregnant. We got married before the baby came. Then we had another. Eventually, we started to realize our marriage was about the kids, not us. She was good to me, and she’s a wonderful mother, but we just grew apart. I went on this trip with my buddies to kind of process what to do next, now that we’re separating. I’m here to decompress from my second failed marriage and there you are. I’ve always hated the fact that you never knew how I really felt. I thought about writing you a message or letter even, but I didn’t want to get in the way of your marriage. You seemed happy. I’m so glad to bump into you, though, and finally be able to explain myself. I’m so, so sorry for ending things the way I did. Believe me, I hurt myself just as much as I hurt you.”

We swung in silence for a few moments before I replied. It was a lot to process. He’d never reached out at all. Not even a like or follow. And he’d seemed so happy with the life he made. I couldn’t believe he had loved me.

“I’m not sure what to say.” I started. “I was an absolute wreck when you broke up with me. It just didn’t make sense. You had pursued me. You wanted to be exclusive. You wanted me to stay in Florida. You offered to visit me in NY. You talked about telling our kids things. Then, you left with barely an explanation. In a text message no less!” He cringed noticeably.

“I knew if I spoke to you in person, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it.” He confessed softly. “If I had to see your face and see that I was hurting you, I would have caved and I truly believed it was the right thing to do.”

“I was devastated.” I continued. “I pretty much was drunk for the next couple months. I had told you my fears that I wasn’t enough for anyone and you assured me you couldn’t see anything that would get in our way and then you left me because I was distracting. It made no sense to me and I couldn’t get past it. I cried my entire drive back to NY. I was literally waiting for you to show up at my door at any moment and say you made a mistake. I kept messaging you. Hell, I messaged you one more time after I was engaged. After that, I decided to let you go. But, I never stopped thinking about you. I had a beautiful marriage to a man who made all my dreams come true. We have 3 amazing kids together. And I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It was ridiculous.

“I’m really supposed to believe that you did it all for ‘us’? I’m supposed to believe that you just thought you could push ‘Pause’ on us and get yourself ready and then press ‘Start’ and nothing will have changed? It just seems completely ridiculous.”

“I know it does.” He admitted. “Look, I know it sounds absurd. I was so focused on myself and my own journey and who I wanted to be. I was terrified that if I didn’t separate myself from you to finish growing on my own, I’d end up destroying us like I did in my first marriage. And here we are, having spent the last 13 years apart because of my naivete.

“If you really don’t believe me, I can probably find messages with my friends from back then. I can even show you a picture I sent them of the night I went to get you back, of me dressed up with the flowers and the show ticket. Look, I’m sure this is hard to take in, but I really just wanted you to know that I’m sorry, I was stupid, you did absolutely nothing wrong, and I’ve regretted it every day since. I hope you can at least believe that.”

He looked at me, directly into my eyes, searching for something. I couldn’t break his gaze. We stayed like that for a long moment before I finally was able to drop my eyes to my lap.

“Thank you.” I said softly. “For telling me all of that. I might be an i***t, but I believe you. I never stopped wondering what happened. It’s really good to know that what I believed we felt for each other was real. I can’t say I regret what happened because that would say I regret Tony and I don’t. We had a wonderful, happy life together. He was the love of my life and we were true partners every single day. I guess I’m actually grateful you f—ed up, because it gave me him, and my kids. Who knows if you and I would have even stayed together. Our feelings were strong and we clearly had crazy chemistry, but we barely knew each other. We’ll never know if we would have lasted.”

“I believe we would have.” Jordan told me confidently. “I know we weren’t together long, but we were talking 24/7 for a month. We knew a lot about each other and I feel like we were both open minded and respectful enough to get through any disagreements.” He paused for a moment, then took my left hand and brushed his thumb over my bare forefinger.

“Why do you talk about Tony in the past tense? Are you not together anymore?”

I pulled my hand back and clasped them together in my lap, fidgeting with the rings that were now on my right hand. I looked out at the water for a moment before meeting his gaze.

“Tony died in a car accident last year. My friends took me on this trip for the 1 year anniversary to get me out of my life for a few days.”

“What? Oh, Jamie, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I assumed you were just having a girls trip.”

“I’m having a ‘Young Widows Trip’.” I replied dryly.

“Your friends both lost their husbands, too? What are the odds of that?”

“We wonder that a lot too. Becca is remarried, to Tony’s best friend. I set them up, actually. Michelle is content on her own.”

“And you?” He asked.

“I don’t know what I want. It’s only been a year. I’m still learning how to do my life alone again. I was extremely reliant on him. We did everything together. I’m lonely, but I know a lot of that is missing him specifically. I’m not sure if I’ll want to join my life to someone else’s again. Plus, dating is the worst. I don’t think I want to do that again, especially at my age.”

“We enjoyed dating.” He said, the corners of his mouth rising into a small smile.

“We did.” I agreed. “But that’s rare and as we just covered, it didn’t end well.”

“What if I asked you out again?”

I laughed. “Yeah, ok. We don’t know each other at all. I’m a grieving widow and you’re about to get divorced a second time. We both have kids and live in different states. Sure, let’s go on a date.” I rolled my eyes. “At the very least, I would be a complete fool to go out with you when you’re literally in the same transitional place you were the first time around. I might as well ask you to just throw a brick at my head and skip the whole ordeal.”

He laughed too. “I’m serious! I know you can feel that there’s still chemistry here.” He scooted closer to me so we were touching. He leaned towards me and brushed his knuckles gently down my cheek. I shivered at his touch and closed my eyes, tilting my face into his hand. I hadn’t been touched in any kind of intimate way in a year. He dropped his hand to my shoulder and lightly ran it down my arm to my hand. “Open your eyes.” He gently commanded. I opened my eyes and slowly raised them to meet his own. He looked at me with cautious longing and it made me nervous. I was leaning closer to him without consciously deciding to do so. He also leaned in and began to dip his head closer to mine.

When we were only inches apart, I put my hand on his chest and pressed gently. “I can’t, Jordan. I’m not at all ready to be with another man.”

He sighed and pulled back. I looked back at the beach trying to settle the butterflies that had awoken inside me. Without warning, he scooped me up and placed me on his lap with my head cradled against his chest. He was so much bigger than me. I felt small and safe in his arms. It was one of the first things I had loved about being with him. He dipped his head so his mouth was in my ear and he whispered, “Just one kiss. I need to know if I’ve been lying to myself all these years”.

I looked up into his eyes and saw the desperate wanting and curiosity there. I let out a breath I’d been holding and nodded. I’d barely lifted my face again before his mouth was on mine. His left arm was around me, supporting my back, pushing me against him. His right hand was on my face and then in my hair. He held me to him in gentle control, exactly the way I like it. It made me wet. Instead of opening my legs to him, like my body wanted, I opened my mouth. My tongue dipped into his mouth and flicked his tongue before retreating to my own mouth. He groaned and tightened his grip on me, pushing his tongue into my mouth to coax mine back to his again. My hands fisted in his shirt as I tried desperately to keep them from roaming. He was always good looking, but I could feel now, with his body against mine, that he was rock hard. Apparently that break from me solidified the physical transformation he was working towards. I was about to let go of my worries and get carried away with him, when he pulled back. He looked down at me, with barely controlled lust and rasped out, “Well, I don’t know about you, but it’s still there for me”. All I could manage was a shaky nod.

I slid off his lap to put some distance between us. We sat in silence, watching the water and slowing our breathing for a few minutes.

“Thank you, for stopping. I’m not sure I would have and that would have been a mistake.” I said.

“I know.” He smiled. “I understand that it’s not good timing. I just had to know. Now that I do, you better watch out.” He teased me. “I may show up at your door one day.”

I laughed. I forgot how easy he was to talk to. We really never had trouble communicating. It was nice. I decided that even if nothing was going to happen, maybe we could be friends. I asked him to tell me about his life the last decade and a half. We ended up talking for hours. We talked about our jobs, spouses, in-laws, kids, etc. It was one of the best nights of my life. When the sun was about to come up, we finally parted ways with a hug. It hurt watching him walk away. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why. Too tired to think about it, I made my way back to my room, left a note for the girls that I was passing out, and did just that.