Doomed to Die in 3 Minutes

Demands and Answers

“Hm? I wonder what I should charge for such a grand performance? 100 gold pieces should do it? That should cover the lashing I get for not razing the city to the ground. You know a girl’s skin and hair is a precious treasure, I’ve got to get some potions to revitalise it after everything goes down.” She slyly smiles at me with something that exudes superiority and smugness. f**k, she has me by the short hairs. I don’t have that kind of cash just lying around. If she comes at me for real I’ll be locked up and shipped to a maximum security jail in seconds.

“Oh, that poor look on your face, you don’t have the money? Well, I guess I can make an exception… just repay me with your body.” She takes two steps closer to me. I can feel her breath on my face. She’s quite tall and muscular, she has to be for wearing that massive suit of armour, well she doesn’t have to be hulking or anything, the strength stat doesn’t always affect muscle but… wait, what did she say?

She puts her right hand on my chin. Oh. Wait. Dammit, I was right? I don’t wanna be a plaything for all these women. Can’t I just risk my life, be heroic, get people to praise me, and not trigger these stupid romance flags!? I gulp. If I refuse, what happens? Will she just wreck me? Will she damage the city to prove a point? I-is this her fetish? Getting people off the hook and then wringing them dry for everything they are worth in exchange? That’s terrifying.

I’m about to be chewed up. I guess… is my only option to let her have her way with me? Sigh, I shouldn’t complain. I mean she’s pretty cute. Maybe that’ll be a one-off payment and I can wash my hands of it forever when it’s done. I let my shoulders fall. In for a penny, in for a pound. My shoulders drop. “No strings attached alright? I do this and then it’s done. That sounds fair to you?” She licks her lips. “Perfectly fine with me!” 

“But not with me!” A voice from above, a crashing meteor to space between us. Sir… I guess Lady Agarde? Is forced to leap back as a crater is formed in the earth. A violet stalk and a blood red head. The rose descends. Alisa looks to Agarde and I feel sparks fly as their eyes lock. The air around me is getting uncomfortably hotter and humid from the mana spewing from their bodies. Alisa cracks her head and knuckles. The lady knight makes an audible click of annoyance as she draws her sword. 

“Sorry, but I saw him first. He’s my boyfriend, so no harpy is going to dig her claws into my man.” Oh, I did promise something like that, didn’t I? Please, gods, stop making me agree or be forced to accept stupid things. “Be that as it may, he has a debt to pay. Do you have the gold, you poor little girl?” Alisa spits to the side. “I’m not going to pay a rotten crook like you even if I had the money. I’ll settle this with force!” They both start laughing at each other and the sweltering heat suddenly dips to sub-zero. When they stop the skies begin to part in fear.

Fuck this is exactly why I was supposed to handle it! Dealing with issues by force is going to cause long term consequences! I’ve got to stop this somehow, but this is a fight between what must be at least an upper A-Rank and a Hero! I’ll freaking die before I can even touch them!

Why am I always in s**t like this!?