Nirvana

Chapter sixteen

    Vanessa sat in the school’s library, it was after school hours and she was exhausted. However, she decided to stay and help Raid catch up on his school work that he missed while he was absent. She had regretted the decision considering that she didn’t even want to show up to school that day. The night before last had left her disturbed to the point she hadn’t slept in over 24 hours. She desperately wanted to stay home, but she was afraid that if she stayed she’d end up falling asleep. The last thing she wanted was to experience another memory. Of course she expected her past to be upsetting, hence why she asked to forget, but she hadn’t accounted for how real and traumatizing her memories would be. If this was only the beginning of the horrors she  experienced, she wasn’t sure she was ready to continue. What had they done to her in that orphanage? Her focus was regained when she heard snapping in front of her. Raid was staring at her. 

    “What’s up with you Ness? Are you sleeping with your eyes open?” Raid asked.

    “No, I was just…” she flipped her book upward. “I was reading this article on the civil war. Guess I got lost in it.”

    “Sure, that one page must have been hella interesting since you’ve been staring at it for the past 10 minutes.” he placed a hand on her book to lay it down. “But seriously Ness, are you good? You’ve been kinda out of it today. You don’t look so good.” he took notice of the deep shadows forming underneath her eyes. Vanessa had always been known to care highly about how she presented herself and made sure she looked clean and wellkept when going out. However, today she looked rough, to say the least. Her hair looked tangled and dry. Her face was oily and her eyes were puffy and red as if she were rubbing them a lot. “You wanna call it quits today? You should probably go home and get some rest.”

    “No!” Vanessa shouted. She was met with several angry glares from others who were trying to study. Embarrassed, she slumped low in her seat and took a deep breath. She rubbed at her tired eyes. “I’m fine...It’s just been a rough few days.” At that moment Vanessa noticed Dylan enter the library. By the looks of it, she would assume he too was suffering from lack of sleep or some sort of illness. He looked sickly and pale. His cheeks seemed less plush as they usually were as if he hadn’t been eating properly. His hair, as well, looked unruly and greasy. Despite that, she noticed how dull his eyes looked. Usually they would sparkle like leaves sprinkled with morning dew. A part of her wanted to check on him. However, she didn’t know how she’d approach him, not after all she’d said. But why did she have to feel guilty? He’s the one who started all this with his lies. Still, it hurt her to see him looking so miserable. Their eyes met for a brief moment. Surprisingly enough, he broke contact first. Vanessa looked back at her book, feeling the weight of sadness bear down on her. “What a jerk,” she whispered to herself. A draft of wind ran through the room and Vanessa shivered. It was getting much colder and Vanessa was starting to regret not buying thicker clothes. Seconds later, something was wrapped around her shoulders. She looked behind to see Dylan standing over her.

    “You can use my  sweater,” he offered. “I don’t want to see you get sick.”

    “But what about you?” she asked, slightly flustered. “What are you going to wear?” 

    “Don’t worry about me.” he smiled gently. “I don’t have a hard time staying warm.” 

    Vanessa opened her mouth to speak, to apologize, but decided against it. “Thanks Dyl.” she said as she turned back to her book. As he walked away, Vanessa found herself choking back the urge to cry. She had told herself she would stop crying so much, but she hadn’t been prepared for how much she truly missed him. The warmth from his sweater seemed to shut out the cold completely, as if he himself were wrapping her in a big hug. 

    “Maybe it’s time you two talked.” Raid said. Vanessa looked up at him, rubbing any threatening tears out of her eyes. 

    “I can’t.” Vanessa said.

    “Don’t give me that. You both obviously miss each other. Why torture yourselves like this?”

    “Because I...I don’t know how to look at this. I don’t know what to do. Yes, I want to make things better, but I don’t know how. I can’t even look at him without seeing Crimson, seeing those red eyes and those flames. He’s not the person I grew up with anymore.”

    “But he is Ness. Sure, maybe he hid a few details, but he’s still the same guy. He still has the same smug attitude. I mean, not now, but you know what I mean. He still cares for you. I’m not saying forgive what he did, but why not try to get to know this other part of him. This may be your only chance to really get him to lay his cards out to you.” Vanessa was quiet for several seconds then stood and gathered her things. “Wait, does that mean we’re done studying?”

    “I’m gonna try and get some sleep.” She waved him goodbye and headed toward her room. As terrified as she was, she asked for this and if she were ever going to take the steps necessary to fix her and Dylan’s relationship, first she needed to see the truth. 

    Dylan sat at his desk, tapping his pen against his notebook. It was a small hobby he’s gotten accustomed to. He enjoyed writing songs and poems, usually when he was upset and needed to get words on paper. He used to write more when he was younger, but stopped after his disappearance. He grew frustrated, angry, as he usually did when he thought of the past. All those years, stripped away from him all because of Him.

Frustration, 

From bearing the chains that I can’t see,

The anger and pain that consumes me.

A monster, a demon that chases me, 

The struggle, the fear and I can’t flee. 

Yet there’s no one around that can save me. 

Why me? 

Sorrow,

From the emptiness inside, a creature living carefree,

It makes me sin, decides for me, and I don’t agree.

By a man who promises to make you strong, ambitious, and rich

By a man who enslaved me, tried to treat me like his bit-

    “Emotional, are we? How delicious.” came the deep ominous voice. 

    Dylan groaned and placed his hands over his ears, attempting to block out the noise  “Why do you keep bothering me. Leave me alone.”

    “Well that’s unfair, I believe you called on me. Do you think I enjoy being summoned to be ridiculed and disrespected by a treacherous boy like you? Well you’d be right, haha. I adore feeding on the power radiating off your wicked heart. Seeing you absolutely livid is almost euphoric.”

    Dylan glanced down at his arms. The markings were glowing  and burning against his skin. However, at this point he was used to the pain. “I’m not in the mood for this s**t tonight.” 

    “How tragic, you poor boy. You’ve tried so hard fighting to be the man she wants, yet the second she sees your true nature, she abandons you.”

    “You know nothing about her, or me....It’s my own fault things turned out this way. Don’t you dare speak bad about her. The second I stopped being your puppet, you were ready to kill me, so don’t act like you’re any better.” 

    “Son, you’ve got it all wrong. Sure we had a little quarrel, but I’d never kill you. Call it tough love.”

    Love, the word cut into him like a poisonous dart. It was sickly coming from His mouth. The markings on his arms were becoming hotter. It didn’t help that Lucifer’s voice was making him angrier. He needed to release his rage, but he didn’t want to. It was a curse planted on him since birth, but one that has only gotten worse after the past 5 years. There have only been two ways for him to relieve himself from his anger and that was Vanessa or violence. Now that Vanessa wasn’t talking to him, he’s been suffering through the pain and refusing to let Crimson go out on his weekly rampage. He hoped that if he was good, if he was patient and endured the pain, Vanessa would come back, she would give him another chance to prove himself, she wouldn’t fear him. It was pretty far fetched, but it was the only thing he could think of. “Why? Why me?”

    “Hahaha...good question. Why you? The answer may be more in reach than you think.”

    Dylan took several deep breaths. It’s a temporary solution to relieve the frustration building within him. It wasn’t easy as Crimson tends to force its way out of him, but if he really concentrated, he could manage to calm himself and relieve himself from the burning and the voice that haunts his every waking moment. After several minutes, there was silence. He was gone. He balled up the poem he had started and tossed it in the trash. He rubbed his eyes, wishing that he could sleep and feel nothing if only for a few hours. However, this lingering pain in his chest made it impossible for him to sleep for even a few minutes. It was as if the universe wanted to make him explode, make him angry and lose control. There was a knock at his door, he was granted entrance. His father walked in, carrying a small bowl of sliced fruit. 

    “You’re mother wanted me to give you these.” he stared, “We didn’t see you at dinner, everything alright?” Derrick took notice of Dylan's appearance. It was obvious that this wasn’t the first meal he’d skipped out on. 

“I’m fine, dad.” Dylan lied. Derrick sat on the bed next to his son. The bags under his eyes were deep and heavy, but Dylan didn’t look like he was in the mood to talk about it. 

    “I’m not gonna lecture you son. I know at your age there’s a lot of stress being put on you. I know there are things you may not want to talk about and that’s fine.” he placed a hand on Dylan’s back. “But me and your mother are worried. You’ve seemed a bit down lately.” When Dylan stayed silent, Derrick took it as his cue to leave him alone. “It’s fine, you can talk to me when you’re ready.” He placed the bowl down and headed toward the door. 

    “Hey, dad?”

    “Yeah?” 

    “I...I’m sorry...Things are just...everything’s...I’m in a lot of pain.” 

    Derrick kneeled down in front of him and placed a hand on his chest. “Is it this again?” he asked. Dylan nodded, his jaw clenched as he struggled against the pain. Derrick wrapped his arms around him, burying his chin in his hair. Dylan began to push away, he must have felt embarrassed, but after several seconds, he returned the hug. “I’m sorry too Dylan. I’m really sorry.” 

    At first Dylan wanted to ask why he was apologizing, but a jolt of pain erupted inside of him and sent him falling to the ground. He gasped and thrashed violently as if something were trying to claw its way out of him. Horrified, Derrick yelled for his wife to call 911. He cradled Dylan in his arms, constantly saying “I’m sorry.”