LOSING OURSELVES
1164 Words
~iris
The dorm room was quiet when I finally stepped in, dragging my bag behind me. I thought Alice would be here.
My scarf and coat were still wrapped tight, lingering smells of coffee and the only city clinging to me. I dropped my bag near the bed and collapsed onto the edge, pulling my phone out almost automatically.
Missed calls. Alice. A dozen of them.
I swiped them away. Not yet. Not while I was still catching my breath, still shaking off the lingering energy from my outing with Ky. Tonight she was flirty, teasing, bold in a way that made my pulse spike.
And when she’d finally waved goodbye, giving me that sly little smile as she slipped off into the night, I’d felt my stomach twist in a way that wasn’t entirely innocent.
I let the phone sir on the desk and took a deep breath, trying to steady my racing thoughts. Alice would wait. She always did.
I swung the door open to see Alice standing there, her hair falling perfectly over her shoulders, a backpack slung carelessly, and that familiar mixture of worry and relief in her eyes.
“You missed my calls,” she said softly, stepping in before I could respond.
“I… I was out,” I said casually, shrugging. “With Ky.”
Alice blinked. “Ky?” Her voice was calm, but I could see the slight stiffening of her jaw.
“ you know ky, the girl I told you I met at the cafe, the new girl from school.” I explained, trying to keep it light.
“ Of course I know Ky. Iris!" She snapped but she sighed, like holding herself from getting angry.
“ okay. I just wanted to make sure you were safe.”
She continued.
“I’m fine,” I said, stepping closer. “Really. I just needed a little air, some time away.”
She hesitated, then gave me a small, tired smile. “Good. I’m glad you’re back.”
We sat on the edge of my bed, talking softly about school, about classes, about nothing and everything at the same time. Alice laughed at a story I’d told about Ky tripping over her own boots in the hallway, and I couldn’t help but smile. The warmth was familiar, comforting, grounding.
But as the night deepened and she left, lingering with one last quiet kiss on my cheek, I felt the creeping edge of unease again.
We lay on the bed, her head resting on my chest.
“ Iris” she called, as she played with my boobs.
“ Yeah”
“ Do you love me ?” She asked.
I paused at the unexpected question, guilt creeping into my heart as I thought of every incident with her dad and my conflicting feelings towards Ky.
“Iris?” She called out.
I snapped out of my thoughts forcing a smile that didn't reach my eyes but enough to convince her “Yes I love you” I said softly my arms wrapping around her “I love you a lot”
She grinned widely at my answer and I could feel her heart rate increasing. “So do you want to prove that?” Alice said her voice laced with an underlying mischief.
I smirked knowing what she meant “How do I do that?”.
“You know what I mean” she twirled my hair on her index finger, moving to straddle me.
“ Alice!” I called, she looked at me.
“ Can we not do this tonight.” I said, trying not to piss her off.
I wanted it, and at the same time no.
She stood up quickly, tears clouding her eyes.
“ I knew it! You don't love me anymore.”
“ No. Alice I do, I really do. But I'm tired.”
She laughs bitterly. “ No you don't. Ever since you came back from prison, you've been weird, and I'm guessing it has something to do with ky.”
I came closer to her, she shifts back.
“ Alice, I know you're upset, but ky has nothing to do with this. I really love you, you're my ride or die. “
“I think that was before,“ she said.
I sighed, already frustrated. “ You think I don't love you anymore then fine. Because I think you're just with me for s*x. Cause I don't get, why everyone is Obsessed with me .”
Alice shakes her head ”No one is Obsessed with you.”
“Listen, Alice,” I said, softer now, forcing the edge out of my voice. “I’m not pulling away because of you. I’m pulling away because everything has been… loud in my head.”
She folded her arms like armor. “You used to want me even when things were loud.”
That hurt more than I expected.
“I still want you,” I said quickly. “I just don’t want us to turn into something we’ll regret because we’re both upset.”
She laughed again, but this time it cracked.
“You’re talking like I’m a mistake waiting to happen.”
“No,” I said, stepping closer despite the way she tensed. “I’m saying you matter too much to me for that.”
“you went on a date with ky“ she said bringing the topic up again.
I didn’t ignore you on purpose,” I said. “I just… needed air. Ky was just coffee. Conversation. That’s it.”
“That’s what scares me,” Alice replied. “You don’t need me the way you used to.”
I opened my mouth to argue,then stopped.
Because part of me knew she wasn’t wrong.
“I’m still here,” I said instead. “I came back. I chose you tonight.”
She searched my face, like she was looking for something solid to grab onto. “For how long?”
The question landed like a blade.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I’m trying.”
Her shoulders sagged. She looked tired suddenly, not angry, just hurt.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she said.
“I don’t want to lose us either,” I whispered.
She nodded slowly, wiping her eyes, then turned away and sat on the bed. “Just… don’t make me feel stupid for loving you.”
I swallowed hard.
“I won’t,” I said.
But even as I said it, a strange unease settled in my chest, because I wasn’t sure I could keep that promise.
Later at night, I picked up my phone. A new notification blinked on the screen: a video, sent from an anonymous number.
Curiosity and dread wrestled in my chest as I tapped it open.
The screen lit up.
And there he was. Alpha Duncan. My Alpha. In bed. With another woman. Not me. Someone else.
My heart shattered immediately.
- Writer
