Never Forget

Chapter Seven

 I spent most of the day in bed. Mom checked on me periodically, but she otherwise respected my need to be alone.

     I still couldn't sense Abby, either. I didn't know where she was, or if she would come back, if it was even her I was sensing to begin with. I could've just been losing my grip on sanity.

     Two hours before the viewing, I pulled myself off the bed and headed to the bathroom. After turning on the hot water, I stripped off my clothes and stepped inside. Closing my eyes, I took in the intense heat. Although painful, it awakened my limbs and senses, making me feel more alive and alert than I had felt in days.

     When I opened my eyes, I expected to see the white shower wall, but what I saw wasn't even close.

     Abby stood before me, dressed in the same yellow shirt and jeans she died in. Her complexion was slightly paler, and her brown eyes much dimmer than they ever were.

     I blinked, and she was gone.

     Clutching my chest, I fell to the bottom of the tub, not caring about the hot water pounding against my head. My heart raced. I wasn't imagining her. There was no way I could've slipped that far into insanity yet.

     After what felt like an eternity, I stood. I washed my hair, followed by the rest of my body, wanting to get out of there as fast as I could. I wasn't concerned about Abby seeing me in the shower, but I wanted to get out in hopes she would come back to me once I was in my room again.

     Flinging open the shower curtain, I once again found myself in a state of shock.

     She was there again, wearing the same sad expression as before. I did my best to keep my eyes open longer, and she didn't disappear.

      "Don't run this time," I said. "It's okay. I have nothing to hide from you."

     She reached toward me, her fingertips touching a few inches left of the center of my chest. My heart.

     "Abby." I swallowed the thick lump forming in my throat. "It's yours."

     Unable to keep my eyes open any longer, I blinked. Once again, she vanished.

     Stepping out, I dried off and wrapped the towel around my waist. Something felt different. In all the times I had felt her presence, I never saw her. Why did I see her this time?

     I had no idea what to wear to the viewing. Dark, somber colors were appropriate, but that didn't help much. I had black jeans, but I didn't know if they were too casual. I dug through my closet, until I found another pair of black pants I only wore for special occasions. Then, I pulled out a black checkered dress shirt. Typically, I wore it unbuttoned with a white shirt underneath, but today I buttoned it. Removing my towel, I got dressed. When I finished, it was time to leave. I had an errand to run before the viewing.

     I drove to the nearest florist. I should've ordered the flowers, but the idea didn't hit me until I was lying on my bed. I just hoped they had what I needed. Walking inside, I was instantly bombarded by the aroma of flowers. Carnations, roses, tulips—most of them I couldn't identify by looks or scent. If Abby was here, she could've.

     At the counter, I waited as a woman walked toward me. She looked young, maybe early twenties at most, but her calloused hands and knowledgeable green eyes told me she had been working with flowers for a long time.

     I got a bouquet of daffodils to place in Abby's casket. She would've liked that. It wasn't the typical flowers people bought for funerals, but they were her favorites.

     The funeral home had numerous cars in the parking lot when I arrived a few minutes before it started. I saw elderly people I didn't know walking inside, but I figured they were mostly from her church, seeing as Abby had a small family. As far as I knew, her dad's parents were still alive. Carla's mom was also still alive, and Carla had a sister, too. As far as anyone else from her family, I wasn't sure.

     Walking inside the building, my anxiety grew with each step. There were two funeral homes in Kelford, and while I hadn't been to the other, I had been to this one. The Jenison Funeral    Home was fairly large with several rooms to host a couple of viewings at the same time, but when I checked the day's viewing line-up I saw Abby's was the only one at this time.

     The decor was as dull as I remembered. Floral patterns decorated the walls while the floor was covered in mint green carpet, and when I managed to find Abby's viewing room, I discovered every room looked exactly the same. The colors were probably meant to be soothing, but my heart raced faster as I drew closer to the casket.

     Carla sobbed into the arms of a slightly older woman who looked like she could be her sister. I last talked to Carla that morning, and in that short time span I could've sworn she aged at least five years. She was one of the strongest people I knew, but now she seemed so broken and fragile. I had to look away after a few seconds.

     My feet had minds of their own and took me to the casket. I couldn't be doing this. I couldn't see Abby like this.

     I didn't stop until I was a foot away.

     My eyes closed for a moment, but I forced myself to look down at her.

     My hands trembled as my eyes scanned her body. Her skin was unnaturally white, just as I saw in the shower. Her face was blemish-free, her eyes were closed, and her hands were placed on her stomach. Her red hair fell around her shoulders, and it was the only physical resemblance to the girl who died in my arms.

     Cautiously, I touched her yellow sundress. Even in death, she still looked beautiful.

     A tear dripped on her dress. A million flashbacks ran through my mind of my Abby, so full of life, warmth, and joy. Now, all that remained was the lifeless body before me.

     I stroked her hair. This couldn't be my Abby.

     "Ash."

     I jumped and turned around, looking for someone who could've said my name, but no one was looking at me.

     My gaze wandered to Abby's forehead, and I realized the biggest difference between the last time I saw her and now. The bullet wound had disappeared, probably covered by makeup and her bangs. I should've been thankful I didn't have to see it again, but I was a little mad that it was covered. Everyone should've seen the harsh reality that I had to live with every day.

     "Hey." A hand touched my shoulder. I jolted, turning to Justin. "How are you holding up?"

     I shook my head. "I'm alright."

     "Carla started losing it as soon as she saw her. I think she was a bit in denial."

     "Justin, could I have really stopped her? Everyone else says no, but I know you'll be honest."

     "Honestly, I don't know." He looked away. "For whatever reason, she loved you. She probably would've listened to you if she wasn't already too far gone."

     "I wish I could have her back," I said, fighting back tears for the millionth time that day. "I would give anything."

     "Hate to break it to you, but you can't bring back the dead," he said, eyes conveying sympathy. "I'm going to go sit with Carla. You can have a moment with her."

     When he walked away, I turned back to Abby. I wanted to place the flowers in her hands, but I didn't want to touch her skin. Man up. Abby wasn't here anymore. I had to be brave on my own now.

     As soon as my hand touched hers, I yanked it away. She was cold.

     With shaky hands, I tried again. This time, I didn't pull back. As quickly as I could, I slipped the bouquet in her hands.

     I didn't know what I was thinking. Actually, I wasn't sure if I was thinking at all when I pressed my index and middle fingers to my lips and placed them on her cheek.

     "I love you, Abby." More tears fell down my face as I imagined how the first time I told her I loved her should've gone. She should've been alive, her skin radiating with life, and her eyes should've been open. She would've smiled as she jumped into my arms, and I would've never let her go.

     "I'm sorry." I wiped my eyes before the tears could fall on her. "I'm sorry it came to this for me to realize that. I wish I could go back in time and erase all the suffering I caused you. I wish we could have had a chance at love."

     Turning away, I let the tears pour down my face. I couldn't do this anymore. I was about to walk away, but as soon as I turned around a pair of familiar arms wrapped around me.

"I can't begin to imagine how you feel." Mom rubbed my back in soothing circles. After a few moments, I pulled away. I needed to be strong.

     Turning back to the casket, I waited until she stood next to me. Then, I touched Abby's temple. "This is where the bullet struck her."

     As she took it in for the first time, her eyes filled with tears, but they never fell.

     "She was always such a beautiful little girl," she said.

     "The most beautiful girl I ever saw." I cleared my throat. "Mom, how am I supposed to find closure? How can I live knowing she's dead because I couldn't stop her? She died thinking I didn't care."

     "Best friends grow apart, Ash. You two aren't the first to lose your friendship." She looked away. "I don’t think she was mad at you anymore, and I know she wouldn't want you to feel guilty."

     I stroked Abby's bare arm, which provided me with some comfort. "I need her, Mom. It wasn't until she was gone that I realized that. I don't know how I'm going to get through this without her."

     "There is help if you need to talk to someone," she said. "You're really vulnerable right now. Whatever help you need getting through this, you can get it."

     I shook my head. "The only one who can help me isn't here."

     Funny how Abby only wanted me to help her through her depression. Now, she was all I needed to get through this. But, even in death, Abby was clearly trying to help me. I didn't deserve it.

     "You probably shouldn't be touching a dead body."

     "It's okay." I moved to Abby's face. "The people who handle bodies had to touch her."

     She didn't say any more on the subject, and I continued tracing Abby's face, trying to memorize every tiny detail. The light freckles on her cheeks. Her small, pink lips. Her closed eyes, which, if open, would've been brown . . . .

     Someone cleared their throat, causing me to stop. Turning, I found my mother, giving me a concerned look and my father beside her.

     "Ash."

     "I have nothing to say to you." I refocused on Abby, touching her hand. It calmed me.

     My dad continued, "Ash, I speak the truth because I want what's best for you."

     I closed my eyes. What was best for me? I didn't think it existed anymore. All I saw was Abby's face smiling back at me.

     Then let me die so I can be with her.

     Wherever Abby was, that was where I belonged.

     I heard voices calling my name, but I couldn't understand what they said. I couldn't focus on them. I couldn't focus on anything, until I saw her.

     A little girl dressed in a black dress stood in the doorway. She had long red hair, like Abby's.  For a second, I wondered if she was related to her. She stared at me, and I felt as though she was looking through my soul.

     As if compelled, I walked toward her.

     When I got within ten feet of her, she turned and started walking. Her steps were unnaturally graceful, making me think she was a ballerina. She stopped briefly at the staircase that led to an attic. I knew, because I had gone up there with Abby during her dad's viewing.

     She led me upstairs. The attic was almost empty. There were only a few dusty boxes up here, and the only light came from the window in the door leading to a balcony. She walked through the door, and I jumped. When I opened the door, the little girl was gone.

      A gust of wind blasted me, and that would be considered normal, if it didn't strike me from behind when I was standing in a doorway. I staggered forward. The door shut behind me, and then I felt pressure on my shoulders, forcing me onto my hands and knees.

     I crawled to the nearest corner and managed to get into a sitting position. Hugging my knees to my chest, the pressure wrapped around me like an embrace. I wasn't afraid. Despite not being able to see her, I knew the mysterious pressure was Abby. It always was.

     "I was a horrible friend to you." I wiped the tears from my eyes with my sleeve. "You should hate me." I felt something brush against my cheek, making my stomach knot up.

     I cleared my throat. "I love you so much. I wish I had realized it before it was too late. You might still be here."

     Burying my head in my hands, I sensed more tears coming. I felt a series of light kisses  below my eyes, as if she was trying to kiss my tears away.

     I choked on a sob. Even in death, Abby was still taking care of me.