Learning from the Worst

Garlic Pizza

Jared never thought he'd see the day he actually met a real alien! Well actually he met some 'aliens' when he was high once or twice, but that doesn't count.

"So did your planet like explode and your parents sent you here to keep you safe?" Jared asked Rhett excited to know the answer.

"Nope. My planet.... how do I put this? They were all assholes. The officials loved to piss off other planets and lords even if we were no match. So when the lords of Huctyiam defeat us in a battle, any child under seventeen was sent to Venus to live with our only friends the Venaims. Unfortunately some Huctyiam idiots got to some of our Leapers first and messed with the leap distance. Me and five others ended up here, while two landed on Mars. Those two just had there confirmation that made them full Martians. Anyway fifteen landed on Neptune, twenty landed on Ignanus, and one hundred and twenty six actually landed on Venus."

"Wait what planet are you from?" The dude who never answered the question about what his name was asked.

"I'm from Tyluxus."

".... That's cool. So wait when were sent here?" Jared questioned.

"I was sent here when I was sixteen. I'm now 547 years old."

Jared and the other dude gave him an odd look.

"Did Tammy bite you or something?" The other dude finally asked.

"Tandy, and that's not how that works. She has to drink your all of your blood then give you some of her blood. Then she snaps your neck, and you're dead. Then you aren't and wake up a day later with a migraine and a thirst for blood."

"So wait you really are a vampire/alien?" The other dude confirmed.

"No. The oxygen on this planet gives off a gas that we don't have on our planet, but now that we do it increases our life spam by a million years or so." He said nonchalantly. 

"Pizzas here!" Siren yelled from downstairs.

Jared and the boys raced downstairs to grab the pizza. 

"Ugh who ordered garlic?" Jared complained when he bit into the pizza.

"Tandy." Siren, Pepper, and Rhett all answered at the same time.

"Isn't garlic-" The other dude was caught off by Tandy, "For the last time it's basil, and the only reason it's garlic is because of one i***t of a dude throwing garlic on the streets."

"Got it." Jared gave a thumbs up.

"So, your training to be 'good' starts tomorrow." Siren informed them using quotations around the word good.

"Are you not teaching us to be good?" Lena asked to hopeful.

"No, we just don't prefer the term good. It's putting a stretch on everything. All the cops and people want us to do it teach you to be disappointed on the actions you made before." Pepper explained only really focusing on the two slices of pizza she was making float in front of her.

Cameron asked, "No offense, but in every story all over the internet you guys are the bad guys. How are you supposed to help us?"

"Jerk!" Peppers pizzas fell to the ground.

"Asshole!" Rhett cursed.

Siren started rambling in something we didn't understand that sounded way to close to a dolphin, and Tandy showed off her fangs.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that-"

"It's fine, whatever it's not like I sat in my room one day watching every movie ever made about aliens being evil, and here I am training people to be good."

"Yeah or I switched my whole life around from being an eater to a lovely vampire that switches your life around."

Siren was still talking in something that sounded like a dolphin, if dolphins could yell of course.

"Not like I traded my fantastic life of spell casting and adventures to teach some idiots not to sell drugs to kids or beat up people."

"Were sorry we didn't mean it like that." Lena quickly apologized.

"You better, or you are going to have a very odd hickey in your neck." Tandy threatened.

"..... got it." Every one mumbled.

"Just kidding everyone." Tandy laughed, "I prefer blood from plastic bags. If I get it from your necks it gets all messy and ruins my shirt."