My Mr.Big

The Beginning

It was a Tuesday night, I got a text from James. I opened it and saw him shirtless again! I bit my lip.

Want to come to the coffee shop? I’ll be working

I wanted to see him. I could take my things to study since he would be working.

I love your body! Yeah, what time do you work?

I was trying to think if I wanted to invite Chel’s or go alone. If I invited her, I would feel more calm, less desperate. If I went alone, there was the possibility I would have more intimate time with him or that he could walk me home. Things could happen. I have never slept with a guy who is not my boyfriend. James could be my first. This is New York after all. I have an essay that is due early next week, I can spend hours at the coffee shop working on it. He replies

Send me a picture. I’ll be there until midnight

I scrolled through my photos. Most of my camera roll was not of me, but of others, or random things like the sky, a tree, a screenshot. He sent me a shirtless picture, did this mean he also wanted to see me like that? Or is it too soon? I walked up to the window so the light could hit me directly, and I took selfies. I am fully clothed, I have a comfy look, a lot different from when he last saw me. I picked one and sent it. He replies

I love your eyes! Please come.

Please!! Ah, of course my love I thought in my head. Ah the excitement was building in me! I squished my pillow tight and kicked my legs releasing some of the energy. I have never felt this for anyone. It’s a new feeling. Is he my soulmate? The connection and energy is insane! I reply

I have a paper to write, I’ll do it there. Can’t wait to see you again (I included an emoji sending a kiss)

I decide I’m going to invite Chel’s, she likes to study there, and I don’t want to be alone.

Chel’s and I arrived around 9pm, we walked in talking and laughing, she made me laugh a lot. He was organizing some shelf’s, he looked at me, and then at Chel’s. He has a smile, but not the big bright smile I was used to. I wonder if he’s having a bad day. He walked over and gave me a hug with one arm squeezing me. I love how big he feels next to me. “Hi” he said to Chel’s. His hi didn’t feel friendly and kinda rubbed me the wrong way. Why would he be so friendly but not to my friend? “Let me get you some drinks, what do you guys want to drink?” He asked. “We can order at the counter” I said quickly. “No come on, he said pointing towards an empty couch, Chel’s and I took a seat. We ordered our drinks and he walked away. I liked that he was getting us drinks, for free I assumed. He brought us our drinks and took a seat next to me. He put his arm around me and asked me about my day. We talked for about 15 minutes, Chel’s was studying, he grabbed me by my neck, and started making out with me. If felt like forever, I felt embarrassed, to be so affectionate in public. The party was ok, it was happening all around, but here! I felt my face getting hot. It felt so good! His hand was gripping me with strength. He pulled away gently. He told me had to go back to work and walked away. I felt my eyes widened, I wiped my mouth, and took a sip. I looked over to Chel’s I wanted to check on her. I had invited her, but sat next to her making out with this guy. She assured me she was fine and we kept studying.

It was hard to sleep that night. I kept thinking about that kiss in the coffee shop. It was so intense. I want this to be more.

He texted me

I thought you would come alone

I frowned. Why does it matter? You’re literally working. You still made out with me. I reply

Yeah, I wanted to study with her.. is there a problem?

He responded a couple minutes later

I wanted to see you alone

Agh! Why is he like this. He was working I thought again. Ask me out on a date if you want to see me alone. I reply

I want to see you alone too. When are you off?

I was hoping it would be soon. He replies

There’s going to be a party off campus, this Saturday. I’ll send you the address. Come alone please

He wants me alone. Is he thinking about s*x? No not at a party? Why am I thinking about s*x. I tried to calm myself down, but I was pacing in my dorm. I didn’t like the idea of meeting up with him alone at a party. I didn’t want to feel awkward or be left alone. I didn’t know these people or his friends. I reply

Yeah, what time?

He told me a time and the conversation ended.

That night I got ready, I put some comfortable lose black jeans, a white top, and had my hair half up. I got to an apartment building. For some reason I thought it would be a club or something. At this point in the night the leasing office was closed and you needed an access key to get in. The cab had drove off and I was standing there alone. The street was empty, I had not been to this area before. I called him and it rang for what felt like forever, until it went to voicemail. I texted him letting him know I was here. I waited and called again, he answered, it was loud, and it was hard to hear him. I told him I was here, his voice sounded slurred, he said he was coming. He propped open a side door, “heyyyy” he said and stood leaning on the door waiting for me. He was drunk, I could tell as I walked towards him. When I got to him he pulled me in with both arms and hugged me tight. I felt like his source of stability, the thing holding him up. I could smell the alcohol, but also his cologne. Since the first day I met him he always has a strong presence of cologne. Its a cloud that surrounds him always. It’s a smell I have never smelled before. It smells dark, earthy, with a small hint of sweet. Still holding my body with both arms he starts kissing me, I can taste the alcohol. I put both of my arms above his shoulders, caressing the back of his head, as I melt into the sweet bliss of his lips.

We walk into the apartment, there’s colored lights, a dj, but few people. He introduces me to everyone, saying “this is..” telling me all their names, but he doesn’t say mine. As I shake their hands, I say Amelia. There’s a group of 3 girls standing off to the side. They’re all beautiful, but they’re looking at me, like they hate me. Their faces have an annoyed look, their arms are crossed, and I try not to look at them. He’s talking to one of his friends, I hear the girls start saying something to him in Spanish, I don’t know what they’re saying, but it doesn’t sound happy. I look at him and he ignores them. He taps his friend shoulder, takes me by the hand, and guides me to a bedroom off the living room. He sits on the edge of the bed. I look around, it’s a bare room, there’s a bed, a night stand, a lamp, there’s no curtains, no decor, a man’s room for sure. “Who lives here?” I ask. “I do and Luis and Steve” he says. I had just met Luis and Steve briefly. I don’t remember which one is which. “I thought you lived on campus?” I asked. “I have my dorm there but mainly stay with them here” he answered.He stands up and pulls me close. He starts kissing me and there’s a bang at the door. There’s a girl screaming something in Spanish. I pull away and look towards the door and then at him. He has a drunk smile on his face, “what are they saying?” I ask. He shrugs. He pulls me close again, looking down at my face, carefully and slowly touching my neck, “ignore them, they’re jealous bitches” he says. He pulls me to the bed and we are laying on each other, touching, kissing. I move my hands up and down his large back. Gripping my fingers into it. He grabs me at the waist and is gripping my hair in the back of my head. Pulling my head slightly back. He kisses every inch of my neck.There’s an intensity, my chest is moving up and down, with heavy breathing. He stops kissing me, still holding his face close to mine, his ocean eyes are looking all over my face, he runs his finger across my belly. His breathing is also heavy “I like you” he says. He lays on his back and I tuck myself into him laying my head on his chest. We both fall asleep. I wake up and there’s bright light, he is still sleeping. I sit and look at him for a while, I love his face, he looks even more handsome sleeping. There’s a calmness to his face when he’s dreaming. I grab my shoes and tip toe out of the room. The place looks a mess, there’s bottles everywhere, and the colorful party lights are still on, now looking dim contrasting with the bright sun coming in. I put my shoes on in the hallway, go outside, call a cab, and head to my dorm. It’s still early, when I get in, I undress, put on my pj’s, and go back to sleep.

It’s hard to explain the feeling he gives me. I feel chosen. I feel lucky in some way. Every time we are anywhere it feels like all the girls look at him, want him. He said he likes me. In what way? I’m surprised that us both being adults, him being HIM, he hasn’t tried having s*x with me. I imagine he has had s*x with 100 girls. He hasn’t even touched my breast or v****a. Is he not interested in s*x with me? Or does he want more? Maybe he wants a girlfriend, a serious relationship? If feels too soon to ask these questions. What do I even want? I think I want to be his girlfriend. I can see myself falling in love with him. I already love everything about him. But to be committed, serious, and his only one. That sounds nice. I’m going to let things ride out. He’s showing me he likes me and he knows I like him. Right now this is fun, exciting, and that is enough.

It’s been a couple of months now. I am madly into him. Nothing has changed. We make out every time we’re together. We see each other often. Almost daily, but it’s parties, the coffee shop, and nothing more. There have been no dates, no s*x, but when I’m with him it’s like I’m on ecstasy. I’ve never tried ecstasy, but everything is 10 times more intense, even touch is felt so deeply, every kiss feels like time stops, and I don’t care what we’re doing as long as I’m with him. I’m still completely impressed with him physically every time I see him. I admire his whole body, his beautiful face, his fashion sense, he is literally perfect for me. He also makes me feel like I’m the prettiest girl. Like I’m a trophy he’s showing off. He holds my hand anytime we are together. I feel like he’s mine, but we haven’t had any conversations about a serious relationship yet. I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. I can’t tell what he wants. I know he wants me, but I don’t know to what extent.

There have been a couple of moments where I feel jealous. At parties and even the coffee shop. Multiple times I have seen girls look at him the way I do, they go up to him and give him a big hug. I get a horrible feeling when I see that. I don’t let myself delve into the feeling because I know I would cry. There have been times where he is holding my hand and girls still come up to him to say hello, always giving him a big hug. I don’t want to think that what he has with me he has with other girls. I mean he’s with me almost daily. He kisses ME publicly every where we go. I don’t ask him about these girls. I don’t ask how he knows them. I don’t even try to think if he has had a history with them. The friendliness and he looks on their faces tells me there has been more there, but I don’t want to think about it. I feel my blood boil and anger every time a girl goes up to hug him. He always accepts the hug too. It makes me feel crazy, jealous, and possessive. That’s why I don’t talk about it. He’s not mine, I remind myself. Not yet. He also makes no comment about it at all.