My Mr.Big

New York

I felt a pit in my stomach, cutting through me. My eyes would get lost at the thought of it. It was hard to breathe, hard to function, hard to not spiral. A thing I wanted for so long, something to be proud of, and all I can feel was immense fear of failure. Would I be good enough at university? Was I smart enough? Did I fool everyone through high school, my essays, they chose the me they saw on paper. But was that really me? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m smart, I have never had bad grades. However, I also didn’t try, it all kinda just came to me, flowed, which also made the thought worse. What if college didn’t come to me. What if it stopped at end of senior year. A snort of air releases, I had not realized I had been holding my breath in panic, and there it is again the emptiness pit in my stomach, twisting at my intestines. I continue walking down the bright lit windows, chatter of others blur, their faces hazy. I walk down the ramp, into the clothing store, head towards the back, to the clearance, out of habit I suppose. I’ve never bought something full price, never even considered the possibility. The prices didn’t make sense to me. $20-30 for a shirt, I don’t think I’ve ever paid over $10. It was the end of summer, the days were still full of light, hot wind, but the fall was coming, I could see it in the trees. I would be in New York soon, starting school. All on my own.

I stepped off the cab, the driver pulled out my two luggage’s, I felt my body closing in, but my heart pounded with excitement. It was an ant colony of people moving everywhere, parents helping with boxes. This was my new beginning. A new chapter to my life. I couldn’t wait to be in a library, sipping a hot tea, as I studied. The thought of this nearly made me jump as an excited toddler would. I was placed in a shared dorm that over looked some of the historic brick buildings and there was a tree in its yellow glory ready to soon lose its leafs. My roommate had not yet arrived. We had emailed a few times. I knew her name was Emma, she was from Colorado, and she was planning to study political science. I had 3 days before classes started, i needed to go buy my bedding, shampoo, and all the essentials. It didn’t make sense to bring those things on a plane. I packed lightly, mainly my favorite clothes, a few pictures, and my sentiment box. I collected things, things that held sentiment, value, or a special memory. I would keep pictures, a birthday card, a ticket to a concert, and anything that felt close to my heart. I knew one day I would open this box, go through it, and each item would take me back to that moment, to those feelings. This was my first time away from home I knew I would need it.

It had been a few weeks, I felt settled, I was starting to learn my way around campus, and everyday felt like I was living in a movie. A movie where things didn’t matter, I didn’t really have chores besides my room, I was not working, and all my time and day revolved around campus. My friend Gabby would be visiting over fall break. I wanted to find places for us to go while she visited but with papers, tests, and endless studying I hadn’t really been out of campus or explored the city. It honestly scared me, it’s so monstrous, dirty, I think of rats in the subway, mean people, and the rigid cold air.

It was a Friday night, the air was fresh on my cheeks, I wore a beautiful thick plaid scarf, that could have easily been a child’s blanket, I decided to go to a cafe near campus. I had heard others talk about it as a study and hang out spot. As I was getting closer, I saw the brick building, with a black grid window, from inside came a warm orange glow. I stepped in and smelled cinnamon, warm, sweet, and spicy. There was a cozy atmosphere, like a warm blanket on a snowy day.I looked around, it was pretty full. I normally go for tea, but Gabby likes lattes I wanted to make sure they were good for her. I got a hot latte and made my way towards the back. Tucked behind a book shelf were two dark green accent chairs, a small lamp on the end table, and a window over looking the street. I took a seat, pulled out my laptop, began working on a paper, and imagined Gabby and I laughing and giggling in a couple of weeks. I was lost in my words, a research topic led to the next and next, and before I knew it was MIDNIGHT! How did this happen! How was this place even opened this late. This was truly New York, time was unimportant here. I looked down, my eyes pacing left and right, the fear hit my chest, I would be going back to campus alone. I had made a few “friends” no one I saw outside of class or study groups. No one I could really call. I was on my own. I googled the Lantern Street Cafe, my fingers raced across the screen, it closed at 2am. I leaned my elbow over the table, placing my thumb slightly in my mouth, barely biting the side of my nail, a nervous habit. My eyes dozed off, as my brain went blank, thinking about leaving soon. There was no way around it, I would be walking in the dark. My eyes came back to focus, and landed on a man, he was wearing a white t-shirt, good build, the sleeves hugged his large biceps, my eyes then traveled to his face. He had thick, wavy, tousled brown hair. The brightest smile I had ever seen. He was talking to someone, he looked around, and our eyes met. Time froze for a second, I became aware of myself, my cheeks flushed, and I began packing my things. I moved quickly without looking up. The embarrassment had sent a lighting strike of energy through my body I felt I could run to campus (not literally). As I got up from the chair to head out he was standing in front of me, our eyes locked again, he was smiling, I on the other hand had a frozen glare. “Hi, I’m James” he stretched his hand out, “I’m Millie” I shook his hand softly, “I work here, I haven’t seen you here before, how was your latte” he said. We got into small talk, but I was distracted, I had never seen someone so handsome. The kind of handsome you see on a magazine cover or cologne ad. He had tan skin, a sharp jawline with a short beard, and perfectly symmetrical pink lips. If this is was what New York had to offer I was going to be happy lady. He told me he went to Columbia, asked if I went to Columbia, and then offered to walk back to campus with me. My mind slightly considered the possibility of getting murdered, I didn’t know this man, but I also did not want to walk alone. I really need to remember to bring pepper spray with me. I accepted, he put on his coat, and a burgundy beanie. His facial features were now striking. He asked me what building I stayed in, I paused, anxiety crept up my back, thinking serial killer. He leaned his head forward studying me, I looked up, “Carman Hall” I said quickly. His eyes locked with mines again, I looked away, scratching the side of my face to provide a distraction. I stepped out into the now freezing autumn air, I put both hands in my pocket, hoping to keep warm. We talked about so many things, what he was studying, his time in New York, we laughed easily. I felt like I knew him, like an old friend you’re catching up with. As we got closer to campus I didn’t want it to come to an end. He stopped, looked around, “well I’m headed this way, “ looking to his left, my dorm was to the right. “Thanks for walking me” I said looking up at him, he smiled, god did he ever stop smiling! “Any time Millie” he said with both hands in his Jean pockets. I started walking towards my dorm, I could feel that he stood there, watching me get into the building. I was smiling ear to ear now that he couldn’t see me. Screaming in the inside! My name is Amelia, all of those who I love call me Millie, I hadn’t introduced myself to anyone in New York as Millie. I hadn’t heard myself be called Millie since before I got to New York.