Not Safe But Mine

chapter 4 The past

Darkness surrounded him.

Then...

A familiar face appeared.

"Hope..."

Shawn stood before him, his eyes red from lack of sleep.

His usually neat hair was a mess, and the desperation on his face was impossible to hide.

He gently cupped Hope's face with both hands.

"Look at me."

Hope lowered his head.

"Hope..."

Shawn's voice softened.

"Look into my eyes... and tell me you really mean it."

Hope's eyes trembled as they met Shawn's.

"I said I'm done with you."

The words fell between them like ice.

Shawn searched Hope's face, refusing to believe what he had just heard.

"Tell me why."

Hope lowered his gaze.

"There isn't anything else to say."

"There is."

Shawn's voice remained calm.

"There has to be a reason."

Hope clenched his fists so tightly his nails dug into his palms.

He couldn't tell Shawn the truth.

If he did...

Everything would be over.

Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to continue.

"The both of us aren't meant for each other."

Shawn's expression remained unchanged.

"I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who wants to control everything I do."

His throat tightened.

"You're too controlling."

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"You're too hot-tempered."

Before he could finish speaking—

"Haha..."

A low, dry laugh escaped Shawn's lips.

Hope frowned.

He had never heard Shawn laugh like that before.

Without warning, Shawn pulled him into a tight embrace.

His arms wrapped firmly around Hope's waist.

Hope struggled immediately.

"Shawn... stop."

He tried pushing him away.

"You're hurting me."

Shawn tightened his grip for a brief moment before speaking in a low voice.

"So..."

"You want to break up with me?"

Hope didn't answer.

He continued struggling until he finally managed to break free.

With all the strength he had, he shoved Shawn away.

Caught off guard, Shawn lost his balance and landed on the floor.

Hope froze.

He hadn't expected that.

Shawn remained seated on the floor.

He simply looked up at Hope.

There wasn't any anger on his face.

No rage.

Nothing.

That expression frightened Hope more than if Shawn had exploded.

Hope's lips trembled.

"I don't even know how I fell in love with a sycophant like you."

His voice shook despite his attempt to sound firm.

"Like I said..."

"I'm done with you."

"Whether you accept it or not."

"You're crazy..."

"...selfish..."

"And I'm not something you can keep as your personal property."

Silence.

Shawn continued looking at him from the floor.

Then...

Without saying a word...

He slipped a hand into his pocket.

He pulled out a cigarette.

A lighter.

Click.

A small flame flickered between them.

Hope stared at him in disbelief.

"What are you doing?"

Shawn calmly lit the cigarette and took a slow drag.

Smoke drifted into the air.

Hope blinked several times.

"Why are you smoking while I'm still here?"

No answer.

"And why aren't you saying anything?"

Only then did Shawn slowly lift his eyes.

A faint smile appeared on his lips.

"Like you said..."

"I'm selfish."

He took another drag before continuing.

"I take you as my personal pet..."

He paused briefly.

"...not my property."

Hope frowned.

"Your words don't count."

Shawn's voice was calm.

"So whether you want it or not..."

"I decide when we break up."

"Get that into your f*****g brain."

Hope stared at him in disbelief.

"How did I ever fall in love with a sycophant like you?"

"You're crazy!"

"And yet..."

Shawn smiled.

"...you still fell in love with me."

Hope opened his mouth to argue.

"You..."

"You..."

No words came out.

Because...

He was right.

Frustrated, Hope stomped his foot.

Unable to think of another comeback, he turned around and started walking away.

"Hope."

Shawn called calmly.

Hope stopped.

His back remained facing Shawn.

"Go home."

Shawn took another slow drag from his cigarette.

"Get some sleep."

"We'll talk things out tomorrow morning."

Hope let out a bitter laugh.

Slowly, he turned his head.

His eyes were already filled with tears.

"I'm leaving tonight."

Shawn's hand froze.

"The plane leaves in a few hours."

"I'm going abroad."

"I'm staying with my parents."

Hope looked at Shawn one last time.

"I'm never coming back."

The cigarette slipped from Shawn's fingers.

For the first time since the conversation began...

The calm expression on his face cracked.

His pupils shrank.

"...What?"

Before he could react, Hope turned around and ran.

This time...

Shawn chased after him.

Hope ran as fast as he could.

His vision blurred with tears, but he didn't dare slow down.

He knew Shawn.

If he looked back...

If he hesitated for even a second...

He wouldn't be able to leave.

Behind him, hurried footsteps echoed through the quiet street.

"Hope!"

Shawn's voice rang out.

Hope bit his lower lip and ran even faster.

His chest burned from the lack of air, but he forced his legs to keep moving.

"No..."

He whispered to himself.

"I can't let him catch me."

After running for several minutes, Hope's eyes swept across his surroundings.

A large tree stood a few meters away beside the road.

Without thinking, he quickly hid behind it.

He pressed his back against the rough trunk, covering his mouth with both hands to silence his breathing.

His heart pounded violently against his chest.

Ba-dump.

Ba-dump.

Ba-dump.

The sound was so loud he was afraid Shawn would hear it.

A few seconds later...

Shawn stopped.

His breathing was uneven from running.

He looked around, searching every corner of the quiet street.

"Hope!"

His deep voice echoed into the night.

"I know you're still here!"

Hope shut his eyes tightly.

Not a sound escaped his lips.

"What do you mean you're going abroad?"

Shawn asked, his voice noticeably calmer now.

"You know you can't escape me."

He slowly turned in a circle, his sharp eyes scanning the surroundings.

"Even if you run to the ends of the earth..."

"I'll still come looking for you."

His voice was calm.

Too calm.

"And I'll bring you back."

Hope's fingers tightened over his mouth.

Tears silently rolled down his cheeks.

"Why are you doing this?"

Shawn asked quietly.

"Why are you hurting me?"

Silence answered him.

Shawn lowered his head.

For the first time that night...

He became quiet.

His eyes slowly wandered around the roadside.

Then...

They stopped.

On the tree.

Something inside him told him Hope was hiding there.

Without another word, he began walking toward it.

One step.

Another.

Another.

Every footstep sounded like thunder in Hope's ears.

His breathing became shaky.

Please...

Don't come any closer.

Shawn stopped just a few steps away.

He looked at the tree silently.

Just as he was about to walk around it—

"SHAWN!"

A voice suddenly called from behind.

Shawn froze.

He knew that voice.

"Damn it..."

He muttered under his breath.

He slowly closed his eyes before speaking without turning around.

"Hope."

His voice was softer than before.

"I know you can hear me."

Behind the tree, Hope buried his face against the bark.

"I can't live without you."

Shawn smiled bitterly.

"So..."

"Don't run anymore."

"We'll talk tomorrow."

"I'll fix everything."

His voice was almost a whisper.

"I promise."

Hope squeezed his eyes shut.

His shoulders trembled.

"I'm sorry..."

He whispered to himself.

"That was the only way I could save myself."

"I'm so sorry, Shawn."

After waiting for another minute, Shawn finally turned around and walked away.

His footsteps gradually faded into the distance.

Only then did Hope slide down the tree until he was sitting on the ground.

He buried his face in his knees.

His body shook with silent sobs.

"I'm sorry..."

He whispered again.

"I still love you..."

"But I can't stay."

After crying for a long while, Hope wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his shirt.

Then he stood up.

Without looking back...

He walked away

Leaving behind the man he loved most.

Hope's eyes flew open.

He stared blankly at the ceiling.

For a few seconds, he couldn't tell whether he was in the past or the present.

His breathing was uneven.

He slowly raised a hand and touched the corner of his eye.

It was wet.

"...Again."

He let out a bitter laugh.

Two years had passed.

Two whole years.

Yet every time he remembered that day, it felt as though it had happened only yesterday.

Hope leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

"Shawn..."

He whispered softly.

"Are you doing alright?"

He lowered his head, rubbing his temples.

"I know I left..."

"...but I had no choice."

"If I had stayed..."

He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.

His chest tightened painfully.

"I came back..."

He murmured.

"But I don't even know if I have the courage to face you."

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts.

"Dr. Hope?"

Levite's voice came from outside.

Hope didn't answer.

Another knock followed.

"Dr. Hope?"

Still no response.

Concerned, Levite slowly opened the office door.

"Dr. Ho—"

His words caught in his throat.

Hope was sitting on his chair., tears rolling down his face.

The rims of his eyes were red.

He looked... exhausted.

Levite's expression softened.

He had seen this more than once.

He had never asked why.

Because he knew Hope would never answer.

"Dr. Hope..."

Hope slowly lifted his head.

Their eyes met.

After a long silence, Hope forced a small smile.

"I'm going home."

Levite blinked.

"But your afternoon consultations—"

"I'm done for today."

Hope's voice was calm, but the exhaustion behind it was impossible to hide.

Without waiting for a reply, he stood up.

He grabbed his phone from the charger, slipped it into his pocket, and picked up his car keys.

As he reached the door, Levite called after him.

"Dr. Hope..."

Hope paused.

"You should get some rest."

Hope smiled faintly.

"I'll try."

With that, he walked out.

The office door closed softly behind him.

Levite remained where he was, staring at the closed door.

After a while, he sighed and shook his head.

"...Still the same."

He bent down and picked up one of the paper airplanes lying on the floor.

Turning it over in his hand, he smiled helplessly.

"Crazy."

He muttered under his breath before returning to work.