Strange wholesomeness

Chapter ten: no wonder

She abruptly woke up as if suffocating. She was still on the bed, fully dressed. Her face was a mess, her hair looked as if something exploded nearby. She felt hungover and so damn tired. She forced herself out of bed only to realize it’s Saturday and she doesn’t have to go anywhere. She looked at the kitchen island and a reminder of yesterday’s events suddenly hit her. There were two pairs of chopsticks still lying on the counter and an almost eaten dish. She looked at it and a sudden wave of melancholia appeared. What happened, how it happened and what am I going to do now with all that mess. She didn’t know anything but felt a huge void when thinking she may have kicked the guy out of her life forever. She looked at her phone. Nothing was there, not a sign of life, no apologizing. He just got out of there and decided to never contact her again. No wonder. He didn’t get what he wanted so he’s up to look for another. 

She smirked at the realization. He never cared about anything and a stupid old woman thought some stuff out of the blue. She cursed her own stupidity. It’s for good, I wasn’t tricked into feelings at least. 

She turned on the TV. She rarely did that as her Korean was still really poor and her head would explode after 10 minutes of trying to understand at least bits and pieces. 

There was some talk show going on with some people talking about celebrities. Or at least she assumed it was that from understanding one in 10 words they spoke. She took the phone and started browsing the news: there wasn’t anything interesting going on on weekends so she just casually looked through the pictures when suddenly she realized that she’s staring at one of them longer than the others.

The Korean superband One is preparing for its US tour. - stated the headline. 

Below there were pictures of some inhumanely beautiful boys with their teenage fans. Yea, the kpop idols, it was a bit cringy for her to look at the whole industry so she never bothered to research anything about the local music scene. But one of the pictures froze her.

Kim Jun- the leader of One giving autographs in the local school. 

She looked at the face: it was so different that she didn’t recognize it at the beginning through makeup, hair, and clothes but it was him. The Jun she knew. The one she kicked out of her apartment after he kissed her neck. She was dumbfounded. That wasn’t what she expected when she imagined what this boy does with his life. Sure he was exceptionally good-looking and had issues with food but an idol didn’t cross her mind. 

No wonder he was so bold, he is surrounded by women and girls adoring him all the time. He’s surely never said no to when trying to advance anyone. 

God, she was so stupid. Who did she think she was? She laughed out loud. Stupid old i***t. She’s not even that hot and he surely has better makeup skills. She laughed again reminding herself of his perfect manicure. She opened her phone and scrolled back to the picture of his hand. It was really beautiful and feminine. She should have guessed. Sometimes she lacked basic instincts so much that it hurt her pride. 

She couldn’t deny though that as much as she believed it was for good, a part of her was really sad that the conversation she was just browsing had come to an end. It was fun while it lasted.  

Jun was on the road to his next school where he will hug excited teenagers and smile at hundreds of pictures like a doll. He never complained, that was part of the job. He treated his fans well, he was not that different from them after all. But this time he was really tired and his mind was elsewhere. He couldn’t take those scared eyes out of his head. It was burning him from the inside. He was doing his job, singing, dancing, and smiling and back to posing for pictures but his mind wasn’t there any of these times. 

He hasn’t contacted her since then. Neither did she. It was as if it was really closed except there wasn’t any closure. And that was eating him from the inside. 

> You look like a zombie, Jun. - Woojin sat next to him on the bus. - I know you don’t like talking about your family but if you want to, I’m here for you. It breaks my heart to see you like that and if that continues, everyone starts noticing and asking questions you don’t want to answer. Either get it off your chest or try to deal with it. You can’t be like that forever. 

Jun knew he was right but shrugged Woojin off. It wasn’t the time to tell anyone yet. Perhaps he’ll tell him when he digests all the new feelings but it’s not yet. 

> Thank you but mind your business. I don’t need to smile all the time as long as I’m perfect outside of the bus. I play my part well, don’t I? So leave me alone. 

He was angry at himself that he couldn’t hide his feelings so he vented out on Woojin. He knew it wasn’t fair, but he was too frustrated to act rationally. Woojin knew him well and swallowed his pride and took off the place next to him. 

After 2 weeks they were back in Seoul. Jun was a wreck and he knew he had to do something about it and the only way was to confront his feelings. And that meant seeing her one last time before moving on. As soon as they unpacked he took off. 

> I’ll be back in a while, don’t stop me please. - he shouted and left the house. 

He didn’t even change his clothes before leaving which made him pretty self-aware about how he looked and smelled halfway through the road to her house. 

That plus anxiety about storming someone’s house uninvited after harassing her personal boundaries and disappearing for weeks, made him question his resolution to go there. 

What if she’s with the guy now? She’s really attractive, there must be some guys interested in her. 

He tried to calm down and proceeded. He was so deep in thoughts that he woke up ringing her doorbell out of a sudden. 

There was some movement beside the door, a short pause which must have been her looking at the camera to see who’s there and the door slowly opened. 

She stood there shocked, partly because she wasn’t expecting to see him ever again and partly because he looked as if he was really sick and suffering. He didn’t resemble the idol she saw in pictures while secretly stalking him on the road trip. She also saw the i********: post of his crying face when he left her house. She knew he was hurt. But she couldn’t write to him first. She was too proud. 

> What brings you here Kim Jun? Shouldn’t you be resting after the road trip? 

He looked up at her surprised. So she knew already. She must think I’m a kind of a fuckboy idol who just wanted to take advantage of her and disappeared after being rejected. And to be precise. He did that. He didn’t even write her a message. 

> I need to talk about what happened that day. Otherwise, I will not be able to move on. 

> Please come in. Would you like to drink something? - she asked. 

> I didn’t mean to harass you, really. I’m not a fuckboy and I didn't want to take advantage of you that day. It’s just that I don’t know what’s going on with me when I’m with you. As if something is pulling me to you and I can’t stop myself. And after what happened I was so scared that you’d hate me that I was afraid to write to you. It’s driving me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about you. I know you don’t think of me like that and I don’t expect you to. I just need to get it off my chest and I will never bother you again. 

> Stop Jun. 

> No, let me finish. That day, I know I hurt you and that broke my heart. If I could turn back time I would never come here in the first place to save you from that fear I saw in your eyes then. I never felt that way about anyone and I know we don’t know each other and it’s madness…..and you found out who I am. I…..am sorry. I won't bother you anymore. 

> Jun, stop, damn it! - she shouted and made three steps towards him. He wasn’t looking at her, he didn’t dare so he didn’t realize she was that close until her mouth crashed onto his. 

The kiss was tender but passionate as if she put all the sorrow and longing into it. He grabbed her waist and deepened the kiss. It wasn’t his first time kissing a girl but he definitely never felt like that. A wave of emotions rushed through him. He stopped thinking and focused on the sensation. She broke the kiss abruptly leaving him gasping and shocked. 

> You didn’t hurt me. You made me scared. Scared of myself and what I feel around you and shouldn’t. I was scared that if I go one step further, there will be no going back for me. But I missed you too much to let you go again so I’ll risk breaking my heart only to see your face. 

He was completely dumbfounded because of her words and still didn’t recover from the kiss. 

> So you don’t despise me? 

> No I don’t.

> I like you, Anna. Like a man likes a woman. I like you a lot. I can’t stop thinking about you. 

> I know. I saw it in your eyes on the pictures from the road trip. They were burning with sorrow. And I want you to be happy. And if you need me to be happy, here I am for you.