LIFE....As It Goes

And again

I left off explaining my lack of interest in staying sober. I believe it was 3 days after I went to court that I'd be arrested again, but this time charged with a drug charge, this being a first. It's hard reliving the fact that I was so far gone that I'd allow myself to get in trouble AGAIN, I hadn't even seen my probation officer yet. I was sentenced for 5 years felony probation for that charge I had just gone to court for. My judges secretary had it set in our mind that I'd sit in jail and eventually go to prison. There was no way my judge was going to allow me to get out after just going to court on a different charge. I remember just being numb to what happened. I sat there for a month or two before my lawyer was able to work a deal out. That deal would be that I'd have to go to a faith-based rehab for 7 months. I should have been happier about it, but the long-term thought of it was killing me. I did rather rehab over jail anyway! However, I think I was missing the bigger picture through all of this. Writing it really reminds me of how stupid and reckless I was with my life. My kids' lives and lives of others! Turns out this rehab was the best thing that could have happened to me, as far as my internal darkness.This wasn't like the other rehabs I had gone to before. They didn't believe that you should identify as an addict if you were born again in Christ. This rehab was all faith-based. It didn't preach religion. They instilled the word of God in us.Me being a girl who grew up going to church, I felt like I knew all I needed to know. I laughed at things I didn't believe to be true. That all changed when I decided to take this chance at a new life seriously. I began really studying the word. I prayed again. I meant it this time. For me, God showed himself to me in so many undeniable ways. My love and trust in Jesus will not be shaken. Yes, I've fallen many times since then, but I could recognize when I'd fallen too low and God was always there to help me get back up. I not only let go of the hurt and disgust from being rapped, I had to forgive him and just give it to God to fully feel ok. Inside, I felt like a new person. However, I still had a lot of growing to do. Eventually, I'd be back in the real world, full of temptation, and I'd have to stand strong. I did in some ways, yet failed in others. The man who waited for me while I was in jail. and it rehab, the father of my kids. I became unsure of what I felt with him. We had both been through a lot of struggles, and I found myself talking to an old friend. Everything in me told me not to pursue it, that the devil comes in pretty packages, but my heart and my newfound love for people choose to try and be a light for someone so dark. I abandoned everything I loved dearly to try and be a help to someone else. It didn't help that when I got out of rehab, I had to wait for my probation to transfer before I'd be allowed to leave the state. Which left more time for me to invest in this man. He was in drug court at the time, basically was made to be sober. That's how I met him. That was who I fell in love with. Little did I expect things to turn out the way they soon did.