LIFE....As It Goes

Jail., again

Here I am, back in jail, I failed my urine screen for suboxone and alcohol. What an i***t I was!. Addiction sucks. I've heard this said before, " Addiction doesn't come back to us. We go back to it." That is pretty accurate, wouldn't you say? What I thought would be maybe a week's sanction turned into a month. I remember we had drug court this one day and for some reason I was the only one on the roster to go, so my thought was, either I'm getting out or it's something else that maybe needed to be done in private. Uncertainty is an uncomfortable situation. however, I spoke like i was getting out. Never speak negatively on yourself. Finally, we get to court, I'm in this cell alone, and forever might I add. Maybe it felt like forever because I did not feel 100 percent in what was to happen. The prior two weeks before, when I had gone in front of the judge, it had been the other judge in drug court, and he couldn't release me. So honestly, I didn't know what to expect. To my surprise, I did get to go home, finally. I called my then fiance to come get me from jail. What was supposed to be a happy time, but what came to get me ended up being a big part of our breaking point. He came pick up me from JAIL, DRUNK, not just slightly drunk. He was shitfaced! My son not buckled in his car seat. Some cold pizza all over and an emotional drunk man. I look back, and I don't fault him. Life got so much harder for him with the kids and work and his own addiction battles. Anyways, we finally get home. I put Bradley to sleep, my daughter was with her grandparents, and my son was with my step dad, who basically raised me also. When I left Bradley's room, I noticed NJ was nowhere to be found. I looked outside only to hear the gut-wrenching throw up sound. The man had been finishing off vodka. We both had our own addictions, and I noticed that we ended up feeding off each other's addiction. He or I would be like," hey ill get you Xanax. If I can get alcohol." We weren't giving each other the ultimatum to choose me or him. Or choose the drug of choice. Other than the addiction aspect, he was a great man to me and my father to our kids. I don't have a bad thing to say of him. That's rare these days! So, back to the story. I was released before Thanksgiving, so I got to spend the holidays with the kids. I thought I was ready to be the stay at home mom again and just get my s**t together. I wanted to focus on my family and be the best mom I could be. I had parenting classes to finish, drug court to attend, and made sure to have a job. Things were still rocky with us, so we made a choice my mother had offered us, that was to move all of us to Alabama, near her. Which would mean I'd have to reject drug court and take my plea in court. We finally made the move, and my mom helped us get into a place and everything. However, my problems were still there, and how it was handled was, of course. The wrong way! So, here we are, in dothan Alabama. We have a house, and not too much had changed as they should have. I knew I'd have a court date to come, and I'd soon have to travel back to Louisiana for court. For me, I think I was waiting on chance to go back, and I'd go back alone. Still, I had the addict mentality, and I wanted some relief. What I really wanted was Xanax. When the day came that I'd leave, I made promises to be right back. When in my mind, I wasn't sure I wanted to. Boy, did my mom predict what would soon come to reality once I was back in Louisiana. I instantly called around for pills. That's how much hold them things had on me. I saw Louisiana sign, and I was ready to get messed up! What a dumb idea, considering I was there to go to court! When the day came, I had already been popping Xanax since I got into Lake Charles. The sad truth is, I even went to court on them. I was extremely nervous, so I'm sure I went a bit extreme on the pills that day. Here I am, in court, and my name is called first! I was relieved and a bit scared at the same time. I knew I wasn't going to be sentenced back to jail or anything, but my charge was very known about in my hometown!! So to stand up in a full court room to plea guilty was a bit scary, I guess not scary enough because as soon as I left, I went back to doing the same dumb s**t I had been doing.