LIFE....As It Goes

It's A Girl

Here we are. Back in Louisiana, as you know from earlier on, I hated being back home. It always ended up bad somehow, some way. Going back home always brought me back to wanting to do drugs. I just hated being their so much that I went right back to numbing life. My kids alone should have been enough to keep me clean. Obviously, it wasn't. We moved into a duplex, and I soon found out I was pregnant yet again. I'd be lying if I said an abortion didn't run through my mind for a second. I also did not want to tell Nick anything until I decided. That didn't even last 24 hours. Something told me that it would be the girl I've always wanted. So, of course, I kept her. I don't think I'd ever be to go through something such a decision as an alternative. However, I'm not one who judges so. To each their own. August 12th, 2013, my little premature baby girl. It was a different feeling when you had a girl,not more admiration for one more than the others but the connection, and the thought of me and my mom, I wanted that with my daughter. Well, to an extent, to say the least. Boy, she does over share things sometimes. She looks like her daddy, but it is all me. She was the bravest of the three. She grew up wanting to be like her brothers. Sadly, this stay at home mom spent day and night taking care of the kids, the home, the home. All the things a stay at mom does. The sad part of it all was that it still wasn't enough to stop me from doing what I always did. Numbed everything. I'm numbing with one substance, and he was numbing with another. It all caught up to me, the absolute worst thing I could have ever imagined doing, at this point. I'm drinking, taking Xanax and using subboxen, (there is no excuse for what i did next) but with that said, if I hadn't even been messed up, none of this event would of happened. Anyways, Louisiana gets hotter and hotter every year. The whole don't leave your kids in the car had been going around, I went to the mall, I asked my friend if she was close, I wanted to go in the store and return my dress really fast and since she was already coming to me, I told her to come meet me at the mall and just watch the kids in the car for a second. I parked in the front where the store was and the two doors were glass. I saw my car from in the store. Left the air on. Assuming my friend was fixing to pull up, I went in and was returning it, and I'm pretty sure I got distracted with some jewelery by the check out, and I see cops and ambulance pulling up, I went outside immediately only to see them with my children, I lost my mind they made so many lies about what they were going to do, the exaggerated the whole police report. Thanks, Lake Charles, sherriffs office for the false accusations, and resurfacing this innicident 10 years later. Anyways I got handcuffed, I fought with my legs out so they couldn't shut the door and screamed crying. I'm mad at myself, and I'm devastated at the same time. I was told if you chill out, I wouldn't go to jail......rrrriiiggghhhhhtttt! Also accused me of being high on 5 hour powers. I mean, what!!!! All downers that day, now not all cops are dumb and bad. Some are good, so I got taken to jail when someone arrived for my kids and drove away handcuffed in the cop car, leaving them. It just became reality. I'm so selfish. Why did I freaking go to the dang mall. I could live with why's and what ifs, but I did wrong. I admit that, however, the man who interrogated me, trying to force me to tell him lies. The police report was bullshit. The new was bullshit. Let me remind you, the girls watch the news in that jail, just to see who will be coming to the back after intake. These people put me on the news, not the normal one time, but twice. As if my 100,000$ bond wasn't harsh enough, when it was my time to go back, all the women in each dorm were at the window talking s**t, as they do.. every single dorm had something to say, even though their also in jail for doing stupid things, but I expected it, my friend had been in the door across from me before I had even done this. She says she was worried about me because everyone felt i was the worst person in the world, but yet they're in here with me. I just had to be me. I answered questions. If they stared, I stared back. I had so much anger inside for what I had done that I missed my kids so much! They weren't going to disrepct me, I would have flashed out, I wanted to let the anger towards myself om them. I actually ended up close to them later, my bunky. She had a child with the man who rapped me, his grandson, or nephew. That was something I believe I needed for closure with my incident. I sat all summer in the no ac jail,I missed my daughter's first steps, first birthday. When the kids came to see me, she didn't understand why the glass was between. So, eventually, I get a lawyer, and it sets me up to observe drug court. I went to a 28-day rehab and got to go home after. What did my ass do.. took a little suboxen I had obessereved for like a month before they put me back in jail for a failed screen.