The Plan

Chapter 1: Hazel

We had a plan.

We always had a plan. My husband was one of those men who thought of everything. Every situation nicely mapped out to the very last contingency. That wasn’t me. If I'm being honest, we couldn’t have been more opposite, but it's precisely what made us work. He was the level-headed, always on-time military man of my dreams, and I was his chaotic, hot mess of a wife. But the love we shared matched none other. He had been my first love, we would spend forever together, but fate had other plans. I will never forget that dreary afternoon. The doorbell was so unexpected that I almost dismissed it as my imagination until it rang out again. The look on the officer's face is one that haunts me in my dreams. He was gone. The man who held our whole family together, the father to our two sweet girls, the love of my life, was gone.

And that’s how I ended up here, staring at the front of the chapel, watching a man I've never met lead us through our final goodbyes to my best friend. “Mama, I’m hungry.” My 5-year-old daughter, Reagan, has been handling this as well as can be expected. There's been a lot of confusion about why Daddy isn’t coming home this time and why everyone is so sad. My girls are used to Daddy being gone, but he has always come home. It was always a promise he made when he said goodbye. Not this time. And that has been difficult to wrap all of our minds around. Charlie, my oldest at 8 years old, has been a silent ghost of the vibrant girl I once knew. She was our light. We were so young when we had her; it feels like we have all grown up together. Her Daddy was her best friend. They did everything together, and I do mean everything. From hiking and hunting to simple Saturday house chores, the two were inseparable when he was home. It was especially hard on her when he accepted the contracting position. He had been in the army her entire life, and after getting out, he had finally taken a desk job. Home every night to have dinner together and kiss them goodnight. But I should have known that wouldn’t last long. He was a man of action, never able to sit still. So, after six months in the civilian world, he decided he couldn’t do it anymore. He needed to do more. And that’s when his buddy offered him the job of contracting overseas. His background in special operations whilst in the Army made him perfect for the position. And off he went. We knew the risks going into it. After many years as a military family, the stress of time apart was something we were well accustomed to. But when he left this last time, it was almost like I knew. That last kiss would really be the last kiss we ever shared. And now, “the plan” had to be put into motion. Our plan for if anything ever happened to him. If he didn’t make it home to us.

“I’m so sorry for your loss” If I had a penny every time I heard someone say that, I would use that money to take my girls and hide away for the rest of time. Everything feels so fake, and I hate that all I want to do right now is leave. My only saving grace is Cassandra, my best friend. We met while our husbands served together in the military, and she has been my rock ever since. Friend soul mates if you believe in that kind of stuff. She has spent the day deflecting all the random military personnel and guests that have decided it's their business to know how my family is handling everything and to give me their unsolicited opinions on what my next steps should be. It is no secret that with an “on-duty” death, there's a large amount of money that goes to the family. Not that there can seriously be any monetary value placed on my Ethan. There’s not a dollar amount in the world that could replace him. And it frustrates me that not everyone knows that. Besides, there's always been a plan for that money, and I know exactly what my girls and I are doing with it. “I can’t believe these people. It’s like they’ve never been to a funeral before.” Cass frustratingly whispers in my ear. “Tell me about it. All I want is to go home and crawl in my bed and cry my eyes out. Not sit here and play 20 questions with the crowds about my life.” She pulls me in for a quick hug. “I’ll take the girls to your mom's for the night, and then I’ll be over with as much wine and pizza as you can dream of.” “That sounds amazing. Thank you, Cass.” I wasn’t kidding when I said she was my friend better half. She always knows exactly what I need, and as much as I don’t want to be away from my girls right now, I really could use a minute to be lost in my own misery. And I can’t do that in front of them. I have to be strong, the rock that keeps us moving forward. And besides, there's only so much time left for them to see their grandparents. In exactly three weeks' time, we are headed to our new home for a fresh start. “I’m going to start saying my goodbyes. I think I saw Isaac head out front; I’m going to go find him.” She gives me a knowing nod and ushers the girls out to her car. Isaac was Ethan’s best friend and God Father to our oldest daughter. The one who got him the job contracting. I knew he was harboring some guilt about all of this. Guilt that was entirely unwarranted, but I understood it all the same. I wandered out to the front of the chapel, where people were gathering in small groups, making small talk, and saw him leaning against a large willow tree. “Hey, Isaac. How are you doing?” He looks up at me, his red, swollen eyes wide with shock. “How am I doing? Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” I know he meant it to be light-hearted, but it came out as a croak, pain laced in every word. “I think everyone knows how I’m doing. No need to ask. But I guess the same can be said for you.” I brush my hand across his shoulder. Trying and failing to provide some sort of physical comfort. Though if he’s anything like me, and I think he is, physical touch of any kind is not all that welcome right now. “I just can't believe this is real. I’m so sorry, Hazel. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it to you or the girls enough. It should have been me; it was always supposed to be me.” He dips his head into his hands and continues to sob. This is the stuff I’m really not good at. Emotions have never really been my strong suit. And now, especially, all I feel is numbness and pain. “I should have never offered him the job. He needed to be home with you and the girls. He needed to live for you all.” I shake my head at him. “Isaac, you can’t do that. You know as well as I do that he never would have been happy with that. And we all knew how insufferable Ethan was when he didn’t get his way.” I sighed heavily. “He tried to do the normal, boring, nine-to-five husband thing. He tried to do it for us. But it was never what he wanted. He wanted to be out there with you. To have your back, and he did, right to the very end. I know that’s exactly how he would have wanted it to happen.” He continues to sob against the tree. Not having any other words to express his emotions right now. I take a tentative step back, unsure if I can handle this for much longer, but not wanting to make him feel like his feelings are making me uncomfortable. Even if they really, really are. “Well, I think I will finish saying my goodbyes and head home. I’ve had enough people for one day, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold the mask in place.” I glance over at the crowds that have already started thinning. People headed home to carry on with their everyday, normal lives. I can’t help the sharp pang of jealousy that shoots through my chest. I want a normal life. I want to close my eyes and open them to how things used to be. But that isn’t an option for me. And all I can do now is move forward. “If you need anything at all or even just someone to talk to, no matter the time, you have my number. I want to be there for you and the girls as much as possible. I want to for Ethan.” He reaches out to hold my hand and I instinctively jerk back. I don’t mean to hurt his feelings. I know he's just trying to comfort me the way I tried with him. But I’m afraid any amount of physical touch would send me over the edge. An edge I’m not prepared to jump over until I'm safe in my bed with carbs and wine. “Thank you, Isaac. I’ll see you around.” And with that, I make my way through the remaining people and straight to my car. Not able to handle another second of this and wishing with every fiber of my being that this is just a nightmare I will wake up from at any second.