My Professor's Secret Obsession

Deep Conversations with Onda

ACIR HILLS

“Wesley Garett, that fu.cking piece of a sh.it douche bag.”

I told Onda everything that happened on the first day of senior year. As per usual, I didn’t leave out any details since I trust her with these kinds of things. She has been my physical embodiment of a journal—as if I was writing down every single thing, and all the emotions that I felt. Not wanting to hide anything from her, I even told her about what happened at Ryan’s party.

Shoving a spoonful of strawberry shortcake in her mouth to try and calm her down. She was chewing it with an angry looking face–her cheeks red, brows furrowed, nose scrunched, both hands fisted into a ball. It was clear to me that she wanted to throw some hands as of right now.

When her mouth was empty, she spoke. “You should break up with him already. You don’t even gain anything from dating him. He’s a bad influence on you as well as your other friends.”

This wasn’t the first time that she mentioned this to me, since Onda had always been frank when it comes to this subject. For the past three months, she has told me on numerous occasions that I should look for a new set of friends and cut ties with my current ones. Honestly, it wasn’t much of a surprise when she brought up this topic to me. This isn’t just due to the fact that they always invite me to every party known to mankind, but also because Onda knew their reputation at Newford University. In addition to this, she had also met them a couple of times before when I was trying to have her be part of the friend group.

However, after a certain misunderstanding and countless bickering, I accepted the fact that they can never get together. That being said, Onda knew what kind of person they were on a personal level, and wasn’t just trying to spew some baseless hateful words.

“Don’t tell me the main purpose of looking for a boyfriend is just to gain something?” Her words made me question.

She made a face. “Duh! Of course, Aci,” she infuriatingly took another spoonful of the cake. “You just don’t date for the sake of having a boyfriend, and to not be single. What other influence has he ever given to you aside from all the parties you’ve attended?” she asked, but didn’t bother letting me answer as she continued. “–and no, the making out and feeling pleasure part doesn’t count.”

I hit her on the arm, choking at her words. This isn’t exactly the first time we’ve talked about this topic, but it was so out of the blue that it caught me off guard.

“What? He doesn’t even contribute anything good to your life aside from filling that emptiness settling in your heart. And now he’s getting really possessive and abusive whenever things don’t go his way?”

I coughed and drank water to subside the burning feeling in my throat. “You make it sound like the whole point of having a boyfriend is to gain something from them, and not because you feel some connection with them.”

“Do you feel any connection with Wesley then?”

I grew silent. I already know the answer to that question, and she does too.

She squinted her eyes at me, then raised her eyebrows. “See? I know you date guys because you don’t like being single and feeling alone. But that isn’t healthy either. No offense,” she took another spoonful of the cake.

“None taken,” I replied, poking my spoon at the cake, but not eating it.

I knew where she was coming from. She’s been with me through the past three years of my life and a lot of things happened during those times. She was always there whenever I spiraled and relapsed—which, if we consider this current moment, means that she's here for me now as well. Her being like this doesn’t mean she was being too meddling in my life. There are times when she just knows better than I do. She is my reminder whenever I am being extreme at some point. She was there to keep me grounded.

That being said, Onda is my rock and my pillar.

“Why are you even saying that?”

“Saying what?” I asked, unable to follow along.

“Like you’re defending him for what he did,” Her sour tone left an awful taste in my mouth.

I know that she isn’t trying to start an argument with me. She just wanted to know more about what I feel and why I do such things. “He doesn’t know, Oni. Wesley blacked out because of too much alcohol in his blood. Earlier, he never said anything about it so I didn’t confront him about it.”

“And you actually bought that whole cr.ap?” she grunted, placing the spoon harshly on the ceramic table. “How sure are you that he blacked out during those moments?”

My lips pursed into a thin line.

“How sure are you that he wasn’t just playing dumb?”

For the second time, I remained silent.

Onda ran a frustrated hand over her hair, slightly ruining the bun. “Listen, I’ve been severely and utterly drunk before, Aci, and I can tell you that no matter how much alcohol is in your system—you still know what you’re doing… I still have control on my actions—he still has control on his actions. It’s only an amplifier, to make you do things without holding back. Too much alcohol urges you to do things you don’t normally do when you are sober,” she scoffed. “So yes, Acir. He knows what he did. Wesley didn’t bring it up because he might be too ashamed of it, or that he doesn’t care that he overstepped some boundaries,” she bellowed. “For f***k’s sake, Aci! That’s considered as se.xual harassment! You could have reported that!”

“B-but he’s my boyfriend. In the eyes of other people, we’re just two horny teenagers making out. You know how these things go.”

“Forcing you to drink and have s**x isn’t considered as just making out, Aci. Stop justifying his actions. You’re too smart to know the difference.”

Silence befell on us.

Onda was still fuming mad about what Wesley did. She was looking at me like she wanted to explode—to let off the steam boiling in her stomach. Avoiding her gaze, I fumbled with the loose thread at the hem of my sweater. I do understand what she was trying to make me realize, and I know that she’s right about Wesley taking advantage of me and the situation. The best thing to do is to confront him about it then break up with him.

There was no other path to take than that.

When we were in one month of our relationship, I made it clear to him that I was alright with making out and all other kinds of pleasures and orgasms, but I don’t do s**x.

Even in my past relationships, I never had any se.xual intercourse with any of them. And it’s not like I’m a virgin—I just don’t feel any sort of deep connection with them to actually have s**x with them.

He did, in fact, cross that boundary that I set.

But there’s this tiny voice in my head telling me that he didn’t know what he was doing. He was under the influence of alcohol—that it wasn’t Wesley anymore who did that to me. It was another version of him that was unleashed when he was too intoxicated with alcohol.

I’ve lost my appetite to even finish the first slice of the strawberry shortcake. I didn’t want to associate it with a bad experience, so I had stopped eating already. I’ll eat it when I’m in a good mood to further make me happy.

“I do plan on breaking up with him,” I spoke, breaking the silence between the two of us.

She gazed at me with full concern now. Gone was the outrage contorted on her face. “You need to—no, you have to. Things are going to get out of hand if you tolerate his behavior, Aci. It’s never right to force someone into s**x, remember that.”

Nodding my head, I answered, “I will. I just have to find the right timing for it. I want to talk to him in private and not get others involved in it. If I break up with him, I want to end it on a good note.”

She scrunched her nose, implying that she didn’t like what I was saying.

“Why?”

“I think it’s better to break up with him with people around you. You know how he acts when it’s just the two of you. He lashes out if things don’t go his way. Better to break up with him with people than alone. Tell me you’re going to do that, Aci,” her voice is laced with pure worry. She reached her hand across the table, then squeezed my hand in hers. “Don’t put yourself in a situation where you’re defenseless again.”

The sudden action made my heart swell. Squeezing her hand back, I managed to say, “I will, Oni. Thank you for caring.”

She scoffed. “Of course, I care! You’re my best friend, duh!”

Now that she’s back after a four-day trip, it was slowly starting to feel like I wasn’t going insane as badly as I thought I would. Usually, September is unbearable for me. I'd even rarely talk to Onda, and she would give me enough space as I needed. Though, she would always make her presence known—that she cares. She would order food on a daily basis whenever I didn’t have the energy, and would leave some sweet notes and gestures for me like making me a hot choco or a coffee when I’m coding. Despite the times that I would shut her out, she wouldn't stop showing that she cares for me. Even the little things matter to me the most. Onda truly wasn't just a friend that offered her shoulder whenever I needed someone to lean on. I consider her as my family now.

I have never felt so much care like that for the past three years, and I’m just grateful for her existence.