After All These Years

03

Love

"You finally told him," Grace says quietly because they had some talk about it weeks ago of what would happen if Trixie told Carlo how she felt. It'd been a hypothetical since Grace asked her that before but right at this moment, Grace knew what happened just by observing Trixie's face.

Both of them might have always bickered about the silly things but Grace can tell when her sister isn't fine and she'll keep it safe until Trixie is ready to talk about it. Trixie's just thankful she has that kind of person in her life.

Luckily, Grace knows better than her sister when something needs to be said.

"You told him that you love him."

Trixie nods confirming what her sister just said. "News flash, he told me he's seeing someone." She felt that sting on her chest again just by thinking about how awful that day was.

She felt tears streaming on her face again while hugging her pillow looking at her sister's face while lying on their beds. She's been crying every time she thinks about it, blaming herself for how clueless she was about Carlo's someone that she failed to notice it. "Did you know he's seeing someone?" Trixie asks while wiping her tears. Grace is with the same class as Carlo, so she thought her sister might know.

"Carlo thought I confessed because I wanted them to break up. And I didn't know there's someone because if I did, I should have not told him what I feel and kept my mouth shut about these stupid feelings I've been trying to shy away for years."

"What? Carlo told you that?"

Trixie takes a beat too long to reply, sniffing and the atmosphere in the room suddenly shifts. "Maybe he was confused that I suddenly confessed out of nowhere," she paused. "I mean right after I told him that, he said that he's seeing someone so maybe he thought it's connected or something."

A heavy silence follows in the wake of her words, and then Grace sat properly from the bed to talk with Trixie.

"Grace," Trixie hates how her voice trembled. "Is it really hard to believe that I can be in love? That I love him? Is it so wrong to feel this way?"

"What? No. Of course not," eyebrows are drawn together, Grace's mouth pursed. "Look at me," she held Trixie's face so she could look directly on the younger's eyes pooled with tears. "You're the best alright? Maybe it's just that Carlo failed to see it or he's overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but it doesn't make you any less just because you love him."

It's been two weeks since that day, but for the first time, Trixie feels unsteady that the pain she's been holding inside bursts. She leans forward to hug her sister, seeking comfort from her.

They stay quiet.

"By telling him," Trixie says, "Do you think I did the wrong thing?"

"I don't think so. You're not aware that he has someone that's why you had the drive to say it despite the uncertainties. And we both know that if you knew, you'll respect their relationship and just move on."

Trixie closes her eyes and makes a sound beneath her breath. She feels smaller than she ever has, trapped with those ideas flooding her mind.

"It's love," Grace continues, "and regardless of the outcome, something like that doesn't deserve to be kept secret."

The thing is, she hasn't spoken to Carlo in over a week despite them crossing paths going home, and every time it happens, Carlo acts like he doesn't know the person Trixie is anymore. Trixie has to resist the urge to approach him and ask, it's me, it's still me. I've always been in love with you, why is it different now?

Seeing how Carlo ignored her for the past days is what made Trixie's fears come true that he might be like that once she told him.

"I just wanted to feel better."

"Did telling him helped? Would that make it all worth this?" Grace asks.

"Yes but-" Trixie answered, voice trembling to cut her own words.

"No," she added, then shakes her head. "Or, maybe yes and it was starting to. I didn't feel so heavy like what I felt before as if I am going to explode of the different feelings it caused me to feel every time we're together but it still hurts. It's like there'd been this... line between us that reminded me not to cross and now it's gone."

Grace broke the hug, staring directly at her sister's eyes again flooded with tears streaming down her face.

Trixie chokes back on the sudden sob building in her throat, "And I know the consequences of what I did and we might not get back on how we used to be. I lost him even as my friend."

"It might feel like you have for now, and that's okay. And I think you were really brave and honest because I know it wasn't easy to expose your feelings like that but you still did," Grace says, so firmly.

"Right now I just feel so selfish," Trixie says. "I feel free but just how the things are happening, I just ruined our friendsh—"

"No," Grace interrupts. "These things shouldn't be kept forever, and if you trust that as time passes, you'll get better then you will. We're capable of loving and feeling and that's what makes us human. Besides, I am sure that you were shocked about him seeing someone all along and he's also going through a hard time right now about what just happened."

"I guess," Trixie says, sounding miserable.

"You might have loved him more than you should, but believe me, he loves you too maybe not in the way you love him but he does."

Then there's silence. It feels like there's still so much to say yet they chose to stop because, at the end of the day, she confessed for a reason and was prepared for things not to work out. Though the reality feels worse than she could have imagined, at least she was able to say it.

"Come on," Grace says after a moment. "I'll cook noodles then we'll watch a movie, how about that?"

"Oh," Trixie says, blinking up at Grace. "You don't have to and Mom might—"

"Tomorrow's Sunday so it's fine to stay up this late. Mom's asleep so don't worry about her catching us at the kitchen at this hour."