After All These Years

04

Okay

It's Sunday evening and Trixie's not paying much attention to her surroundings, thinking about the topic she wants to write tonight. Love, and how not all hurt has to be painful that despite the ache, there's growth too. She walks towards her preferred table near the counter while waiting for the barista to call her name for her Iced Americano when she suddenly bumps into someone's shoulder.

"Oh," Trixie says, eyes wide. Her eyes directed to the person she stumbled with. She's about to say her apologies when–

"Trix," Carlo breathes, and all Trixie's thoughts come to halt.

Her heart might have stopped from beating, as an inhale gets caught in her lungs, the both of them at a loss for words, and it makes Trixie's heart break all over again.

"Carlo," she finally says breathlessly, "C-Carlo, hey."

I've missed you, she thinks. And I'm sorry it's my fault that everything's so difficult right now.

Because even if Trixie's trying so hard not to be in love with Carlo, it will always be easier said than done. She knew that wherever Carlo is, that's where her heart belongs even if it wasn't the same for her.

It's the first time in just over a month that Carlo has looked at her like that, and Trixie wants to open her mouth, to ask how Carl is or ask how he's been, to ask him to stay, to say so much to him but doesn't know where to start and-

"Carlo," someone says, coming to stand at Carlo's side.

The first thing Trixie notices is how their hands linked with familiarity, fingers settling into the gaps between each other with ease as if destiny made sure that it's meant to fit that way.

The second is that Trixie realized that he's happy. Opposite to her who has been miserable for weeks, blaming herself for the walls caused by what she did making Carlo drift further away from her than he already was before. Carlo hasn't smiled like that around her for weeks, to the point where he's shining with it. Both of them spent a long time being friends that she saw how Carlo smiles so wide when he's really happy but never this bright when he's with her.

"Uhm, this is Gail," Carlo focused his gaze to the woman beside him while introducing her to Trixie.

"Hi, I'm Trixie," she greeted first.

"Hi! Carlo always talks about you, why haven't we met before?" Gail's smile is so genuine she realizes why Carlo fell for her. The word beautiful wouldn't be enough to describe her, the woman looks like a real angel that descended from the skies gifted by the heavens.

Trixie smiles tightly, looking down with her head. She doesn't know how to say the reason they haven't met is because Trixie didn't know, because Carlo hadn't told her.

"Oh, I'm busy about school works though," Trixie stated the simplest reason she could utter at that moment despite the fact that she felt like her soul left her while thinking if she could remember if Carlo ever mentioned Gail to her before.

Carlo's expression crumples, barely there in the furrow of his brow but it's enough for Trixie to notice.

"Actually," Trixie begins, suddenly desperate to get away. "I have to go, so—"

"Right, no, of course—" Gail says giggling, then takes her hand from Carlo's to reach out and shake Trixie's. "Before you do," she glances at Carlo with a smile, and Trixie smiles too. "I am planning a party for his birthday together with our classmates and I would really appreciate it if you could make it since you're very close to him," Gail says shyly, that smile on her face expecting a response from her to say yes, and it's impossible to say no seeing that look of hers. Even if Trixie just met her and saw them together for the first time, she realized that every time Gail speaks, a smile is on Carlo's face too while looking at her as if his whole universe is in front of him.

Trixie diverted her eyes to Carlo, and his expression has smoothed out suddenly into blank.

"You know, Carlo and I, had a couple of hangouts before our busy schedule on school starts," Gail comments thoughtfully. "and It sucks that you haven't made it to any."

That confused her because as far as she could remember she knows nothing about the girl and Trixie knows that if the man would tell something about his love life, she would not miss a thing even the smallest detail on that part.

Then Trixie nods at them despite her confusion, excusing herself from the couple to get her coffee as the barista called her name for her order to be claimed. She walked away mumbling her goodbyes, unable to wait for their to reply before pulling the door open just enough for her to leave the place as soon as she can. Trixie knows that the time will surely come that this would hurt less and she'll be able to say that she moved on already, but clearly now isn't the time.

It feels like her breath only returns to her as she walks down the street, fingers trembling as she reaches into her phone. She stops for a while as she searches for Grace's name, and she suddenly felt a gentle tug on her elbow.

Trixie turns around to see who it was, readying to defend herself from any danger but her thoughts slipped away when she saw him again. The smile she saw earlier that was plastered over Carlo's features each time he'd looked at Gail faded.

"Are we okay?" he asked. Trixie immediately felt her tears threatening to fall that she tried her best to stop it.

"Please," Trixie says quietly, more of a shaky exhale. "I can't just move on over night and tell you that I am okay when I'm not," she tried to stop the thoughts filling her mind because the question triggered her to snap at him but the words were said fast that she failed to think the proper words to say.

"Trixie—"

"Because you've barely looked at me for weeks, forget speaking to me as if we're strangers and both of us know that I deserved better than that." Trixie's heart feels caught in her throat as Carlo's fingers tighten around Trixie's elbow.

Love – love for someone as bright and beautiful as Carlo – shouldn't make her feel like this.

"And I am so sorry that we had to come at this point and I am sure that tomorrow, I'll regret what I just said moments ago but I can't just take it anymore," she paused.

Carlo shook his head, attempting to speak but Trixie refused to listen.

"Carlo, you're happy with her and I can see it, and that's okay really- because all I want is for you to be happy and you didn't expect it all from me and even I was shocked too, from the moment I realized this."

Carlo's grip on her elbow tightens that Trixie felt his distress but she couldn't bring herself to care, "I have no plans of breaking you two if that's what you're worried about, and what I said then might mean nothing to you but it meant so much to me for years. And I'm sorry it's taking me time to move on. So stop asking if we're okay because you, yourself knows the answer." She finishes, holding Carlo's hand to move it away from her elbow because she felt like burning because of his touch.

Trixie walked the opposite way, her tears not holding back from falling anymore.