The Geography of longing

Chapter 3:The Return

Elena woke up the next morning to find herself in her office looking at her computer, but unable to see the screen. After Mark's near-proposal, the next morning, she woke up in her office, but couldn't see her computer.

The conference room was devoid of people. The plan was progressing well. It was just right – she wanted to cry.

She opened up her drawer at her desk. The second envelope was under all of the expense reports inside. This was already open; its letter was so worn that the paper was soft.

She took it out and read it over again.

Dear Elena,

This is from my notes at the garden where we met. It's the lavender that's in bloom, and the sea is as blue as your eyes. I feel I'm thinking of you more than I should, more than I should be. You were not a tourist that was passing through. You were lost, and I had the great honor of being your compass for a couple of days.

I can't tell you what you're going to opt for. I don't know whether or not you will come back; I don't know whether or not you are going to be where you are, I do not know if you are going to find a third way that I do not think of. There's one thing I do know: You're not meant to be a ghost in your life. You should be the all-important one.

When you're ready to come back, give us a call! Or don't. But don't forget that there is someone waiting in Monaco.

Yours,

Luca

She folded the paper carefully and put it back into the envelope. Then she pulled out her computer, turned on the word processor and started typing.

Dear Luca,

I dream of Monaco. There was a garden, there was a bakery, there was an observatory. I dream about you. Not necessarily in the way that you think, but maybe exactly the way you think. I dream of the life you created for me, the life that was possible for the first time in years.

But I am a coward. I returned home; I went back to my routine. It was easier to say that I was being truthful with myself for 5 years, so I wasn't. When I came home, I reverted back to my routine; it was easier than saying I lied to myself for 5 years. Mark is a good man. He loves me. But am I happy with that, or am I in prison?

I can't keep my mind off of what you've said. The concept of ‘main character’ is explored. I have been the side kick in my life for so long that I don't know what it's like to be in a position to desire something with a vengeance.

But it was when I saw you that I remembered.

Please write back.

Elena

She sent the email with a private email account, which Mark didn't know about. She then deleted the sent message and closed up the laptop, as her heart raced so much that she could hear it pounding in her throat.

She was about to step over a threshold. This is a line, but it's one that nobody can see. She just told another man that she wanted something that her boyfriend hasn't given her.

She wasn't guilty, and that's about all.

She felt alive.

Her phone buzzed. Mark.

Lightly, she replied, "Hey. "What's up?"

"Just checking in." His voice was familiar, warm and infuriating. Would you like to go out for dinner tonight?

Dinner. His favorite place in Italy. The one with checkered tablecloths and a menu that had not been altered in fifteen years.

Well," she added, "of course. "Wouldn't miss it."

She hung up then and checked her e-mail again. Nothing.

She shut down the computer and returned to her task.

As usual on Friday nights, the Italian place was extremely busy. They were across from each other in the booth that they'd been in a hundred times before, and Mark had ordered a bottle of wine, the same one he always ordered.

"Looks like you're having trouble concentrating," he commented.

"I'm fine."

"Things have been pretty good these past few days, haven't they?" He leaned forward and put his glass down. What's up, Elena? Since your return from Monaco, you have become withdrawn. I thought you were to come back to relax, but it appears as though you are more stressed than ever.

She stared at him. So he was so sincere, so concerned. Little did he realize that he had changed her by taking her on that trip. Not a single thought about another man crossed her mind when she sat opposite him.

I'm okay, I'm okay, she replied again.

"Again and again you keep saying that," He stretched out his hand and gripped her hand. I'm not putting pressure on you; I just want to know if there is something amiss. Tell me.

Something was wrong. Everything was wrong. However, she was unable to tell him because she had no words.

Rather, she smiled and replied, "Work has been stressful; I am just tired.

He accepted this. Of course he did. He always believed her excuses; he trusted her, and it was breaking his trust.

She lay next to him in the dark that night, and waited till midnight.

Any time it did, she would get out of bed and go to the bathroom. She was sitting on the side of the bathtub, having unfurled her phone.

A new email. From Luca.

With shaking fingers she opened it.

Dear Elena,

Can't know what you feel. I don't know what you can do. I can tell you this: I think about the garden as you do. I remember the light that fell on your hair, the look in your eyes when you looked at the sea and saw all your secrets. I remember how you laughed, startled and surprised as if you didn't know you were supposed to be happy.

You asked me whether you're supposed to be the principal character in your story. I believe you are already the one.I believe that you're the one already. It's not that you don't know; it's that you don't know it yet.

That's why I can never stop thinking of you, I believe.

Luca

She read the e-mail two times. Again, she read it.

Subsequently, it began to pour out of her.