My Healer System Won’t Save You

Party Glitch

[Location: Grayveil Outpost]

(voice-over) The marketplace of Grayveil Outpost is quite loud. Desperate, chaotic, and just slightly dangerous if you have a wallet. Merchants shouted at each other, hawking everything from cracked mana potions to meat skewers that twitched suspiciously as if they had a mind of their own. Adventurers lounged around the quest board, sizing each other up like predators at a watering hole, or perhaps just bored teenagers with too much armor and too little sense.

(Sitting on a broken wooden bench, one leg wobbling over the edge, and he decided to check himself) "Status open".

[STATUS WINDOW]

Name: Kaien Rook

Class: Healer (Bugged)

Title: “The Misaligned”

Level: 4

XP: 08 / 240

HP: 340 / 340

MP: 170 / 170

STATS

STR: 11

VIT: 14

INT: 26

WIS: 24

AGI: 13

LCK: ???

PASSIVE SKILLS:

- Invert Output

- Bug Bloom [New]

ACTIVE SKILLS:

- Error Pulse Lv.2

- Touch of Restoration Lv.2

- Bugged Skill (Dormant) – (Will reveal under combat stress)

Last time I leveled up to 4, I got this new passive skill: Bug Bloom.

Bug Bloom (Passive):

“A flower that should heal… but instead explodes in your enemy’s face.

Congratulations, you’ve just invented botanical terrorism.”

Description: Nearby weak monsters may randomly crash, granting you EXP without combat.

Side effect: May also crash inventory items.

So now I can farm XP just by existing. Broken, but in the dumbest, most hilariously lazy way possible.

(Inner thought) Enough with that. Time to have some real fun. But… don’t sneeze near anything important. Given my track record, one sneeze could summon a lightning strike from Cure Wounds. Seriously, that happened once.

(voice-over) A faint pop echoed behind the bench. A sewer rat twitched once, froze, then collapsed into a pixelated heap.

SYSTEM: +3 EXP gained.

…Oh! It dropped a tiny copper coin.

(voice-over) The coin flickered, jittered, then vanished from his inventory with a bright error chime.

SYSTEM: Bug Bloom - Side Effect triggered.

(sighs) So this is my life now. Killing rats by existing and losing money the same way?

(voice-over) Then four figures approached, moving in practiced formation like a squad that had trained together for years.

(Inner thought) Ohh… I didn’t notice at first, but they have their names floating above their heads. Of course, they designed themselves into perfect archetypes. Meanwhile, my bugged system hadn’t even let me customize it properly.

Darius Veylen – Human Knight

Lyra Nox – Elven Ranger

Torren Greaves – Dwarven Berserker (axe wielder)

Selene Marrow – Human Mage

Darius, the Knight (approached): ‘Excuse me… are you… a healer?’

(look around)

(blink) Are you… talking to me? (pointing finger)

Darius: ‘Who else?’ (pointing at his head)

Whoosh... ALONE... Whoosh

(looking up) “Kaien Rook – Healer (???)”

(stunned for three seconds)

(Inner thought) Right. They can see my class tag. And yes, my system thinks I’m still a glitch waiting to happen.

Well... (deadpan) ...that depends. Do you want your wounds cured… or turned into fire damage? With me, you never know what you’re getting.

Lyra: ‘(snorts)’

Selene: ‘(squinted at the class tag)’

(Inner thought) She is probably thinking it might glitch into something more useful if she stared hard enough.

Torren: ‘Priests are all the same. (Muttered)’

(Inner thought) Yeah… about that.

Darius: (laughs) ‘Pfft… haha… ha… you’re quite the joker. Come on. It’ll be fun.’

If you’re okay with me, sure.

(Shaking hands) Do take care of me… (whisper) and yourselves (mischievous grin).

(Half an hour later)

[Location: Hollowfang Burrows]

(voice-over) The entrance yawned like a jagged, toothy maw. Moss glowed faintly on the walls, pulsating as though feeding on something unseen. The air smelled damp and metallic, like wet coins soaked in old blood.

(Inner thought) I had just hit Level 4. Normal adventurers might say I was finally party material. Hilarious, considering my support role had a 50/50 chance of murdering anyone I touched.

(Voices echoed ahead) Huff...huh...huff...

(voice-over) A group of four stood just inside the burrow's entrance. Scuffed armor, dented shields, dirt-caked boots. They moved in perfect formation, even while standing still. One was bleeding badly.

(Muttering) Perfect. Exactly the scenario for a normal priest to swoop in heroically.

The stocky man with the Warhammer: ‘(wave) Hey! You there! Priest! Just what we need!’

(Inner thought) Woah. That Warhammer is as big as me.

(whisper) Wait… Priest? Oh no. Not this again.

(Raising hand in the universal ‘please lower your expectations’ gesture) Technically… I’m a Hea---.

(Tall, sharp-eyed) Archer: ‘Perfect! Our priest bailed this morning. Said he had ‘gastrointestinal divine revelations’ or something. We prayed for a replacement, and look... Bam! Divine delivery!’

[Translator’s note (T/N):“Gastrointestinal divine revelations” refers to the 'fancy way of saying food poisoning'.]

(Muttering) More like cursed patch file delivery.

The (slumped) Swordsman: (groans) ‘Please… I don’t care if you’re half-trained. Just heal me before I pass out.’

(voice-over) Four pairs of eyes turned on him, filled with desperate hope. And him? His gut dropped faster than a rage-quit speedrun.

(Inner thought) This is it, Kaien. Moment of truth. Do you tell them the truth, that your healing is basically weaponized malpractice, or fake it and pray nobody dies instantly?

(mutters) Yeah… like I even had to ask.

(Crouching next to the swordsman, hands hovering over the wound) Okay… um… just so you know, my healing might be a little---.

The (slumped) Swordsman: ‘Do it! (hissed clutching his leg)’

(Inner thought) Oh sure, just casually ask the guy with a 50% homicide rate to patch you up. No pressure.

Too late.

(Whisper) "Heal".

[Casting: Touch of Restoration]

…Error detected.

Re-routing to passive: Inverse Mender

Oh no! Wait—!

(voice-over) It was too late. The spell was fired.

WHOOM! (sound effect)

(voice-over) A blast of corrupted light slammed into the swordsman. Instead of gentle mending, a shockwave launched him off the ground, flinging him into the cave wall like a ragdoll. His armor clanged against stone, dust raining down.

Silence...

The (slumped) Swordsman: ‘…I feel… worse. (Croaked)

SYSTEM: 'Congratulations! You have discovered “Inverse Healthcare”. Patients will never forget you.'

(voice-over) The party stared at him. The Warhammer guy’s jaw dropped. The archer’s bow sagged. The mage squinted.

Altogether: ‘What in the nine hells was THAT supposed to be?’

(Forcing a smile, sweat sliding down his neck) Congratulations! You’re… cured of standing upright.

[System Notification]

Party Interest Level: -37

Chance of being immediately kicked: 82%

Fighter with Warhammer: ‘You’re not… a priest, are you?’

Define ‘priest’. (sad face)

(Inner thought) And that’s how my first real attempt at joining a party began, with a patient in worse condition, three angry adventurers staring at me like I was a natural disaster, and me wondering if I could glitch myself invisible before they decided whether to kill me… or keep me.