Desire or Guilt

Chapter 1-2

Taking a few books on politics from the shelf, I walked towards a desk in the last corner of the library. I saw a massive pile of books on the connecting table. Behind the books was a girl who looked confused yet stunning. She was looking at the tall stacks of books lined up in front of her. Her lips curved into an embarrassed smile. She looked around and hoped that nobody had seen it. First semester exams were around the corner, and students were stressed. Nevertheless, she had finished revising her course. Thrice. Thanks to the librarian for giving me a tip about her. But still, she was here preparing herself, one more time. Due to high anxiety, the other books fell down with a thud while she took a book from the stack. Everyone, including me, was staring at her. She looked awkward and embarrassed. I put my books on the side desk and helped her pick up the books from the ground. Smiles were exchanged softly while the books were rearranged.

Later we both adjusted ourselves on the chairs facing each other. We also exchanged a few glances while making our notes. Finally, when Shreya got up to leave, I followed her to the gate and asked her out for a drink. At first, she denied stating she was getting late, but then she agreed to spare 15 mins. Till today, I could not make out the sweat on Shreya’s forehead that day was due to heat or upcoming exams. While having lemonade, she looked relaxed and calm, which confused me more. We just exchanged our names on that day. After she left, I felt stupid for not asking for her mobile number.

The next day my friends and I went to the library to complete our research for the debate. I was hoping desperately for Shreya to be around. But I was disappointed not to find her anywhere in the library. I tried to concentrate on my research, gather notes, and finish my speech. A few days passed, and the debate competition arrived. Though I was busy, I couldn"t forget Shreya"s face. There was something about her that had touched my heart. After winning the inter-college competition, I decided to hunt for her. Whichever college she might be in the city, I was determined. I wouldn"t give up and would find her.

Later that week, after the competition, when I celebrated my victory with my g**g, I saw Shreya entering the same cafeteria with two friends. They came and took a centre table. I couldn"t control myself from peeking at her every five mins. Shreya was unaware of my presence. The girl trio ordered their beverages with sandwiches and pasta. It seemed they were here to enjoy someone"s birthday amongst them as the waiter also got a cake on a plate with candles and suddenly birthday songs started to play in the cafe. All present in the café participated in the birthday celebrations by clapping and sending their wishes across by smiling and thumbs-up gestures. I also finally got up from my seat to take this opportunity to go and wish the birthday girl and to check on Shreya if she remembered me or not.

Luck favoured me as Shreya did remember me from her library incident. So, after exchanging pleasantries and giving my birthday wishes, I left, not forgetting to exchange mobile numbers this time. Whistling while returning to my table, I smiled to myself, knowing that Shreya was a medical student and her friends shared that she is a topper of "All India Medical Examinations", winking at me, seeing my interest in Shreya.

Memories …. Memories…. Strong enough to take you away from your present!

I enjoyed my solace with my memories when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw Mr. Ansari asking me if I was alright. So now here I was, back to reality, replying to him. Mr. Ansari is a retired principal in his mid-sixties. A man of dignity. His knowledge is commendable. People look up to him with utter respect. He has done a remarkable transformation in society, setting an example of being a noble citizen of the country for whom literacy matters. Conversation with him always makes me feel confident and transparent with my thoughts. He was one elderly figure I looked forward to meeting daily on my morning jog.

Mr. Ansari confirmed that I was all right before completing his last round on the walking track. I also got up and started to walk with him today discussing politics, and suddenly, our topic jumped to the present scenario of how important it is to have money. And can money buy Happiness? Smiling, I shared with Mr. Ansari how I was thinking about my college days just a few minutes back. We participated in the inter-college debate competition choosing this topic and had won it.

Our conversation was in process…

Mr. Ansari: So, you think money can buy Happiness, Ryan?

Ryan: Yes, and No. Not precisely, but surely it can be one major factor.

Mr. Ansari: What is the definition of Happiness, according to you?

Ryan: Happiness is finding joy and contentment in every small thing I do. (I wanted to prove myself in front of Mr. Ansari and his knowledge, keeping my answer simple.)

Mr. Ansari: Okay..

Ryan: Happiness is not how much we have but to enjoy whatever we have.

Mr. Ansari: But everyone doesn"t think this way. And I can see it"s not the same with you, Ryan. Your lifestyle and personality do not match your opinion and thoughts.

Ryan: I went silent. I was speechless. I thought to myself; he can read my mind.

Mr. Ansari: I will share one mantra with you today, Ryan. Remember, "Success is getting what we want, but happiness is enjoying what we get." There was so much depth in Mr Ansari"s statement. He mentioned the truth of our existence with simplicity, which we don"t accept or just ignore.

Ryan: I agreed with him wholeheartedly, saying, "Yes, Happiness is subjective. It is like an unseen passage. Everyone has their answers, and all answers are correct!

Mr. Ansari: I can advise you here with my experience; start thinking about others more positively. We, humans, are bound to feel for ourselves first. But the definition of Happiness can be vast and, at the same time, simple. It depends on the nature of an individual"s understanding. What I have taught my pupils in the lectures is it is the combination of two factors whose result is Happiness.

For example:

Performance + Success = Happiness.

Purpose + Achievement = Happiness.

Accomplishment + Reward = Happiness.

Peace + Prosperity = Happiness.

Prayer + Meditation = Happiness.

Wealth + Well-being = Happiness.

I can go and on and on, commented Mr. Ansari when we were about to complete our round and were at the park’s gate to exit.

My phone rang just as I was about to reply to him. In the same manner, as it did years ago. I picked up the call to answer Shreya, told her I was on my way home and hung up the phone.

She was a bit upset as she had to leave early today, and I was running late. So, I hurried up with a quick goodbye to Mr. Ansari.