Desire or Guilt

Chapter 2

Like every morning, the breakfast table was ready and seemed to be waiting just for me. Although Shreya was getting late, the table was neatly organized with a sheet change on it. My favourite plain silver tablecloth was placed on our glass dining table along with beautiful long black chairs that complemented the décor of our dining area. My plate was on the left side of the table with three toasted brown bread with butter and apricot jam. A white ceramic bowl was covered with a lid that contained fresh fruit pieces. Also, there were two boiled eggs on a separate plate for my protein intake with hot, simmering coffee in the thermos. I greeted Shreya and asked her to wait for a while and sit with me for breakfast. But she refused, saying she was already late.

I hugged Shreya and told her I completely understood. The early morning moments with her I badly savour. The hug is full of emotions. I feel so energetic, so connected. It is a daily ritual to come back from jogging, see her waiting for me, our hug, that moment wherein we fall in love again and again. Me holding her tight in my arms and felt the gentle touch of her fingers on my back, touching with utmost care. But today, I found her a little detached. I couldn"t feel the grip of her hands on my back. It felt strange. But then I thought she may be getting late; maybe she’s preoccupied with work. Still, I asked her, are you okay, darling? She just nodded and left.

As I was finishing my Breakfast, Aniket called to inform me that the meeting with our clients was preponed by 30 minutes. So, I needed to reach the office as soon as possible as I was making the presentation today.

Quickly finishing up, I got ready to leave early. Unfortunately, I missed the spark between Shreya and me. It was making me restless. My mind started racing, thinking, what could be the matter? Had she read my email communication? Did she observe me during my online class? Did she hear anything from me? What could be the matter? Maybe she is genuinely busy, and I was just overthinking and overreacting.

Unknowingly I started playing with the five-ball pendulum that Shreya had gifted me on valentine’s day! I pulled one ball and let it go from one end. Then moving to and fro. I like the sound of the balls hitting each other.

It was a beautifully wrapped gift with a handwritten note – A promise with each ball.

We had been out for a date on valentine"s day – when she had gifted it to me while we were having dinner. She forced me to open it there and then.

I couldn’t refuse and did as she asked me to!

Before opening the gift, I kept reading her note on the box –

‘To,

Dearest Ryan,

For our upcoming life, to keep you stabilized.

Lots of love,

Shreya

Her handwriting was charismatic, especially when she wrote in calligraphy style!

She couldn’t wait and forced me to open it!

I found a letter inside the box while I unwrapped one layer of the package.

Dear Ryan,

I have selected this gift to express my love for you.

I know it’s a simple gift compared to all the extravagant gifts people usually buy and gift each other. There are five balls. And I want you to feel each of them.

1. Patience – be patient in life, no matter whatever happens

2. Tolerance – bear the ability to endure pain and hardships – endurance!

3. Honesty – An honest relationship is a key to any successful relationship.

4. Communicate – Clearly and effectively

5. Calm – learn to conquer your anger and emotions! Be calm

Whenever you feel low or surrounded by the negativity in life – see this pendulum and start playing with the balls. See them go to and fro in rhythm.

Remember, Ryan, as the five balls in the pendulum are attached to a structure by two strings on either side – it’s the same with our relationship. Whenever either of us feels low, the other one will pick up the momentum, like the ball on one end when it is lifted, and when it is released, it strikes the other four balls. This collision creates a force through the other four balls and causes the ball on the other end to be pushed upward.

And also, whenever you miss me or find yourself stuck, give this pendulum momentum by giving it life – and the pendulum will help you vice-a-versa.

Forever yours’

Shreya.

I was holding the ball to give it a pull when Ankit called me to check whether I had left for the office or not, and his call jolted me to reality.

Quickly I picked up my briefcase, mobile, wallet, and keys of the car Shreya had kept on the shoe table before our main entrance with a freshwater bottle and left.

Throughout the project presentation, my mind kept wandering onto the changed behaviour of Shreya. Though it was a mild change, I was so habituated to her small gestures that it left me restless because it didn’t happen. My nature is such that I either forget or ignore such things. Small things don"t matter. But somehow, this is bothering me as I am confused. Is it my mistake, or has Shreya found out what is going on, or is her mind genuinely occupied with her work? Whatever is the case, I need to find out as soon as possible. For my peace. For us both.

I waited till mid-noon for a call or message from her, but it seemed like forever. So, I decided to call her around 4:00 pm between my pile of work. After around four continuous rings, she picked up the call. I asked about her day. Hectic – was the answer I received. I asked her when she was reaching home. Not sure – came the reply. I asked her if everything was alright. The only thing I heard was hell tired. She hung up the phone, stating we would talk later. Such one-word conversations happen between us whenever Shreya is upset. Because in my case, it"s the opposite. I get more aggressive and louder whenever I am upset or angry. On the other hand, she handles me maturely whenever I am upset. And in my case, I go restless whenever I find a slight change in her or our relationship.

I completed my day in the office under stress and left to surprise Shreya. I thought of picking a fresh rose bouquet to make her feel special and loved. While picking up flowers, I remembered how much she loved carnations and lilies. So, changing my mind, I decided to pick up something she loves. First, I thought of getting her a combination of lilies, daisies, and carnations. But seeing the beautiful fresh flowers in the shop, I changed my mind and asked the florist to make one contemporary bouquet. Similar to the one which we had at our wedding.

I hurried to the car holding the bouquet in my hands, feeling satisfied and excited.

After I placed the bouquet safely in the backseat of the car, I felt something was missing. After taking a few moments to pause and think, I felt a card was missing. It could be a card with a message or a poem explaining my feelings for her, just like our early days of dating. So, I returned to the shop to get a small card.

We both knew how important it is in a relationship to express. It takes the relationship a long way and makes it stronger. So apart from other essential things, I felt that expressing and communicating are two central pillars of any relationship.

I selected a small card to write something romantic. But ended up writing a simple yet power-packed statement expressing the emotions that were running through my heart at that moment:

Darling,

Being with you gives me the strength to conquer the world.

I find the strength to solve all life’s problems.

I need you to be in my life forever.

Love you

Your’s Ryan.

The hoarding on the road caught my attention while driving to the hospital – “When you give yourself to places, they give you back”, written on a beautiful image of Dalhousie, a hill station located in Himachal Pradesh in India. I kept looking at the picture for a few seconds. The sight of waterfalls. Observing closely, I read "Satdhara Falls." The image showed the meeting point of seven majestic springs. Surrounded by snow-covered mountains and a forest of pine and deodar trees, it was indeed a sight.

When my best friend Advik went to Dalhousie after his marriage, he referred to Dalhousie as the Switzerland of India. I remembered suddenly. It"s almost three years, and Shreya and I have not taken a vacation. This Covid-19 has changed life upside down. So, I decided today. I will bring up the topic of a vacation with Shreya and grab one as soon as possible. So much has happened since 2020 since this coronavirus came into our being, taking away many lives. It has taught us one thing clearly: to live in the moment. There is no surety of what might happen the very next moment. So, this moment where we are alive and our loved ones are safe is the moment which should be cherished. Live to the fullest.

As soon as I reached the parking lot, I parked my car in the first spot and hurried inside the hospital. Unfortunately, I forgot to take the bouquet I had picked up on the way. I saw Shreya still in her scrubs at the entrance itself, talking to a couple of people, disturbed and with a few spots of blood on her gloves. Before I could reach her, she hurried back to the OT. I went to the reception to inquire what was going ON. The lady at the reception knew me. So without hesitating, she informed me there was a critical case, and staff had been fighting since morning to save the three-year-old child. Dr Shreya Oberoi was asked to rush to the hospital early in the morning today as she is the best pediatrician who also specialises in Oncology, and the child is a cancer patient.

I knew it would be a long wait until I could see Shreya today. I adjusted myself on the last sofa. I had decided that today that, we would go home together. No matter what. I would wait for her. I just closed my eyes, and my phone vibrated. I opened my eyes to check and saw Anisha message me again with the same question as in the morning. I was clueless about what to answer her. So, I replied – I will get back to you later. Busy right now.

I heard some splashing sound and looked up to see a little girl of about two or three years with brown eyes and curly hair wearing a halter neck low waist frock. Toddlers, especially girls, always take my attention. How I longed to have one such angel in my life. But destiny!

The dress she was wearing was cotton material in a light purple shade with bows on both sides, giving it style and enhancing the cuteness of the little one. The little one was looking pretty and cute. And the one thing that added to her cuteness was her smile. I realized she must have opened the bottle"s cap, and the water fell on the floor while playing with the bottle. So, she sat down and enjoyed splashing without worrying about getting wet or dirty. Her annoyed parents were struggling to hold her. But what I saw was the innocence of the little child in that moment.

I got up to help the troubled parents when the sweeper came and swept the floor with a frown, already tired for the day. Shreya, too, came along and was standing behind me now. I turned around when she spoke Ryan, you here? I replied, yes, I am here to take you home. But, she stated, let"s go to my consultation room first. And I started walking behind her.

I never liked hospitals personally, but I must admit I just love her room here. Her consultation room was designed with her interior designing skills, apart from being a pediatrician. It inspired confidence, encouraged playfulness, and offered hope to everyone who visited her. She knew that the people who would see her would also need more hope and positivity as they would already be fighting a tough battle. And with the people, there would be children. And she wanted them to feel at ease rather than be scared of her. The combination of white and blue perfectly blended with the furniture and décor.

Sitting in front of her, I looked deep into her eyes for a long time. I saw how tired she was looking. I asked her how she was feeling. I held her hand on the table and told her I had seen her in the reception area some time ago when she was in her scrubs. Her eyes became moist. She controlled her tears and told me they gave a tough fight but couldn"t save the child. In the morning, she had to rush for the same emergency. Parents are still critical and in the ICU.

She poured her heart out by saying, I had chosen this profession as I wanted to do something for humanity. I wanted to help people. Save lives. She declared that I knew such cases might come when the patient could not be saved. I excelled further in this field as I loved kids and found it easier to connect with them. But when such a tragedy happens, I find it difficult to cope. I told her, assuring her that she was the best. I knew what she was going through at that moment.

Just then, the head nurse came in, knocking on the door for a few signatures. After completing the paperwork, she told the nurse that she was leaving for the day. “Call me if there’s anything urgent.”

Once the nurse left, she turned and said, “Please take me home, Ryan”, pressing my hand. She said, “I am tired. I am genuinely exhausted.” Getting up from her chair. We walked in silence to the car. Then, settling down, she held my hand, squeezed it a little, and cited I am sorry for hurrying up in the morning. I left without informing or sharing any details with you. I expressed it was okay. Then she smelled the flowers and looked back. She took them in her hands and smiled. My favourite flowers, she said while picking up the card from the bouquet. She read it right there in front of me. Then, closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and came closer.

Shreya was close to me. So close that I could feel her breath on my face. The sweet smell of her deodorant was driving me crazy.

Within a fraction of a second, her lips were on mine. She planted a soft kiss on my lips. My heart started to beat as fast as it could. Yet, even today, I still feel the kiss was the same and unbeatable as our first kiss. I could not believe that we had been married for the last nine years, and within a few months, we would be completing a decade together. The kiss started to grow deeper. We indulged in pressing our lips on each other, pushing our tongues. Her hands were caressing my hair, and my hands slid on her back above her dress.

Taking a break for a second, she smiled, looked at me, and engaged in kissing again. This time her hands moved on my neck and shoulder, pulling me towards her and my hands exploring her thighs.

Our kiss broke with the loud honking sound of a passing car. We adjusted ourselves. Holding each other"s hands tightly and expressing "I love you’ to each other in an echo. Starting the engine, I asked her, Where? Dinner or home? She answered, whatever you feel like, Ryan. I said let us go for dinner first. I am sure you must not have eaten anything the whole day.

Lying on the bed after an exhausting day, I looked at Shreya, who had fallen asleep. She looked pretty in her sleep. The hair falling on her face in her sleep makes me crazy for her. I adore her and keep falling in love with her all over again. But today, a question kept haunting me, which happened last year when I started my online classes! How could I have behaved that way? Is she unaware of my actions? What will happen the day she finds out? Will she hate me and leave me forever? Or will she forgive me and give me one more chance to prove myself and do everything alright…

Struggling for the answers to my questions, I drifted off to sleep…