How Should Lesbian Stories End?

Love

“Good morning Lyka. Is Ms. Woods in the office?”

“Yes, Belle.”

“Is it okay for me to enter?”

Belle shyly asked, doesn’t want to repeat the same mistake she did last week.

Lyka found Belle’s question funny. She remembered the last time Belle didn’t wait for her to finish what she’s saying and just come in without knocking first.

“Yes, Belle but to make sure that it’s safe to come in, knock first.”

Belle mumbled her thanks then walk to the door to knock. She only entered when she heard her boss mumbled “Come in” from the inside.

“Belle. Nice to see you today. What do you need from me?”

Aizen mumbled and smiled at her then return her attention to her laptop’s screen.

She must be really busy.

“Ahm. I just want to return the books you lend me.”

Belle spent her weekends in reading and even those nights when she came home from work, she will read for about 3 hours before drifting up to sleep. And in 4 days, she finished reading them except for the book she first tried to read that Aizen said her favorite. After reading the first line of that book, she immediately closed the book and never tried to open it again to read.

That book was actually the first book that Belle chose back when she was in Aizen’s private library. In all those books, that was the book she was most excited to read when she still doesn't have any idea about its content. She wants to read that book but she doesn’t want to read lines like that again. Memories of that night, when she caught her boss and her team leader making out are coming back to her mind and that’s the last thing she wants to recall.

Belle walked closer to her boss’s desk and put down the books on the emptied space at her table.

“Oh, already? So how was it?”

Aizen asked and give her an amusing smile.

Belle never failed to amuse her. 

“Ahm. It was all good and I enjoyed reading them. I think it will really help me improve my writing skills.”

“Then I’ll be expecting a lot from this manga.”

“T-thank you so much A-Aizen.”

Belle is still not used to calling her boss on her first name when they are alone or outside of the company. For her, it was not right and weird at the same time. She never expected her boss to be like this when she first saw her.

First impressions will really kill you.

“I-I’ll get back to work now. T-thank you again.”

Belle turned her back on her boss and was about to start walking towards the door when Aizen stopped her.

“Belle, wait.”

Belle looked back at her and found her boss holding up her favorite book, showing it to Belle, that she refused to try to read again.

“How about this one?”

Belle blushed. She doesn’t know if she will tell the truth that she didn’t read it or just lie that she read it. 

But what if she tests me? What if she asks questions about that book? 

Then I don't have any other choice but to just tell the truth.

“Ahm. I- I didn’t read it.”

“Why?”

Aizen asked innocently like she doesn’t have any idea about the book well in fact she read it like 5 times already.

Belle doesn’t know what to answer. She finds the question so hard that she couldn’t make up for an answer or at least an excuse.

Belle lowered her head, doesn’t want to get herself drown again in the intensity of those orbs.

Belle heard her boss giggle so she raised her head to look at her boss. Aizen has her chin propped on her palms and looking at her amusingly.

If I’m gay, maybe I’ll fall in love with those giggles. Those giggles are nothing but perfection.

“You’re so cute, Belle.”

Belle finds the compliment so embarrassing. She suddenly felt hot even though the place was well ventilated.

Belle didn’t know what to reply or what to react to the compliment.

Should I say thank you? I don’t think so.

Belle gulped, trying to gulp down the nervousness she’s feeling.

“I-I’ll get back to work now Aizen.”

Belle left the office in haste. Doesn’t want to get stopped again by her boss, luckily her boss didn’t try to stop her again.

--

Belle stared blankly at the laptop screen. It’s not like she’s having a mental breakdown but because she’s not really sure if she will continue writing this. After all the efforts and sleepless nights, she’s now starting to doubt the concept.

Writing this is harder than I thought. I thought after reading 3 books with the same concept will help me but it does not really do a big help.

I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts and ideas into typewritten words.

It’s not like I never experience falling in love or being loved. I did, twice (A/N: I wanna have more more more and more) I might add. But it’s not really ahm- serious I think on my side or it’s not like I fell in love deeply with him. It was more like, I think I’m curious about how it felt to be in a relationship. But I never get satisfied and after my second attempt, I never try again. And now, I’m still waiting for the one who can make me experience how happy to be in love and to be loved.

Belle groaned in annoyance and walk out of her room to drink some water. It’s already 11:48 pm and she should sleep now or else she wants to have those dark circles under her eyes back.

Maybe it was because falling in love with the opposite gender and in the same gender has a big difference. Then what should I do?

--

The next day, Belle knocked lightly on her boss’s door. Lyka, her boss’s secretary was nowhere to be found. Maybe she’s having her lunch break because it’s freaking lunchtime now and Belle was about to disturb her boss.

Belle lost her appetite, she’s not in the mood to eat anything. She just wants to have her mind and soul set into writing the storyline of the new manga.

As Aizen granted her wish to enter the voice, she became hesitant because of the thought that her boss was probably eating crossed her mind. And if it was really what’s happening inside, then it will be a big embarrassment for Belle again.

Belle sighed in relief as she saw her boss facing her laptop’s screen again and not eating anything.

When Aizen look up and met Belle’s orbs, she was shocked for a second because she’s not expecting Belle to come to her office at lunchtime.

“Oh, Belle. You must really love my office because you’ve been visiting me here for almost like every day.”

 Belle slightly blushed at her boss’s statement. She didn’t really notice that she’s been visiting the office for almost like every day.

It’s just that I really need something from her.

“Ahm. I just want to ask something Aizen.”

Aizen looks at her for a few seconds then back her attention again on the laptop.

“About what?”

“Ahm. It’s for my new manga. I just want to know h-how will you know if you really like that girl and not just being curious or bored or something. I don’t know. It's just that I'm having a hard time revising the storyline. I can't put my thoughts and ideas into words.”

Hearing that, Aizen’s fingers stopped from pushing down the keyboard keys for a few seconds but kept her eyes on the screen then back with typing again.

“Did you eat lunch already?”

Belle didn’t expect her boss’s answer was actually a question too but on a different page.

“Ahm. Not yet. I’m really not in the mood to eat anything.”

“Why?”

“I-I want to straighten my thoughts and ideas first about the new manga before I eat something.”

“I thought the books I lend you was a big help why are you still having a hard time with writing that concept?”

“Y-yeah. It really was a big help. I gained a lot of ideas at those books but I can’t seem to arrange them and I have doubts about the whole thing.”

Aizen stopped again in typing but this time she closed her laptop now and look back at Belle. Suddenly getting a bit interested in the topic.

“What do you mean?”

Nervousness started kicking Belles's ass now that her boss’s full attention was focused only on her.

“I-I mean- I kind of- how will you know that the one you love right now was really the one for you?”

“Is this still about the manga?”

Aizen amusingly asked, finding the question funny but interesting at the same time.

“Y-yes. It’s just that- How can you be so sure that you’re a lesbian or gay or what? How can you be so sure that you like someone of the same gender as yours and not just because you’re curious or just having a messy mind? How would you know that you’re gay? How would you know that you’re really in love with a girl, and not just admiration or infatuation?”

Aizen stifled a laugh at Belle’s question. If other people are the one who’s going to ask those questions she will probably get offended, but when Belle ask those questions she looks so cute. She really is curious and not because she’s being homophobic.

“The same with straight people. How will you even know that you really love that guy and not because you’re just fond of him or you admire him? How would you know that certain someone is really the one for you?”

Jeez. Why does she always answer my questions with a question too?

“Ahm. I don’t have any idea.”

“Are you serious? How can you have no idea about it? Don’t you fell in love yet? Don’t you have your ‘the one’ now?”

Aizen emphasized the words ‘the one’ and quoted them using her fingers in the air.

Belle shook her head as an answer. Aizen finds her more amusing and secretly felt happy at the answer.

“I mean, I fell in love already. But it’s not really deep or just like how other people fell in love with someone deeply."

“I see. But you know Belle, nor I don’t have any experience in love. I never fell in love and never want to be. It’s not because someone hurt me or what. It’s just that I found love not amusing enough. I don’t prioritize love. I don’t hook up with someone often. I think, when I’m just bored or that certain someone makes a move. It’s all about s*x, no feelings attached.”

Belle just nods to show her boss that she’s listening to her.

“And about your question about how can I be sure that I’m a lesbian or gay, you see being lesbian or gay is not a gender. It was a feeling, a personality that Love brought you to or lust lead you to. It’s not because you think being gay is cool or because you find girls cuter than boys. Even if you’re straight you can still find girls cute but that’s the end of it. But if you’re lesbian or gay, you’ll find girls not only cute but amazing and interesting that you can’t stop thinking about them. Being gay is not because you chose to be like that, it’s because you became gay while thinking of that certain someone.”

Belle suddenly felt like her ideas and thoughts are starting to link their tails into each other. Her mind becomes clearer and starts to function normally.

“And about how will you know that you really love that certain someone or he/she is really the one for you, I can’t answer that.”

Belle’s forehead creased in confusion and disappointment.

“Why?”

“It’s because you can’t define love. You can’t put into words the feeling of being in love.”

“I’m still not getting the idea.”

Aizen sighed, feeling tired of speaking so much.

“Who’s the writer here? I thought you are.”

Belle felt embarrassed at the statement and scratch her nape but still didn’t speak.

“Belle, Love is not a word. It’s a feeling. If I define love in you, you will think and base the feeling of being in love with that definition. We have different definitions of love and it's base on the feeling of being in love not on the knowledge we have.”

“Lastly, about that ‘the one’, still you are the one who can tell if she or he is the one. No one nor books can tell it to you. It’s all about feeling it and not defining it.”

Still, Belle can’t understand anything about the difference between defining love first then feeling it; and feeling love first then defining it. But her ideas and thoughts for her new manga are now straightened because of her boss and she can’t be more grateful to her.

Belle was about to mumble her thousand thanks when her stomach interrupted her.

“Looks like, your stomach is begging for anything now.”

Belle reddens in embarrassment but tried to compose herself by clearing her throat.

“Thank you so much for helping me Aizen. I really mean it. Sorry for disturbing you. I’ll be going now.”

Aizen just nods her head. She’s not a good talker and she really gets exhausted at all the talks she did so grab a bottle of water placed on her desk while staring at Belle’s retreating form.

Love is not a word but a feeling.