Love is not only Romance

Chapter 9

I remember the days when I felt free. Then again, I don't remember being free. To sum up life: Once you hear a song, you can't think back at your life without that song existing. Can you remember a time without a Justin Bieber song? Or Ariana Grande?

I can't remember a time where I didn't overthink what I do. A time where I could simply breathe and not think of the butterfly effect of my actions. There are many times when we shoot ourselves in the leg. We make promises we know we can never fulfill or even if we can, it's going to take more than we can actually give. We put ourselves out knowing we will be eaten alive. I have always wondered why.

I answered my thoughts when my dad died. Hours after we got the news, I promised him that I would always be there for my mom. I promised to be there for my sisters. I promised to help. At that moment, I didn't think about what my promise meant, I didn't think about what I would have to do. At that moment, I was a daughter, promising to help make things hurt less.

Since that day, I would say I forced myself to grow up. Betrayal from family over money, the reality of it all; everything pushed me to think that life is not all sunshine and butterflies. Life is unfair, and the only thing we can do is try to make it better. Try.

After my dad, I had never asked to go out, nor did I want to. I didn't want to be a strain on finances, even though we were fine. I always thought that if I go out and spend money, one day we might be short of the exact amount. I would guilt tri myself out of wanting anything. I would focus on helping my mom keeping my sisters in check. I would help when my mom seemed stress. I would fine ways to bring back their smiles and my mom would find ways to bring back mine. For the longest while, my mom and I were a tag team. We are a tag team, I guess.

My sisters deal with everything in their own way. Being 6 and 9 at the time, they didn't really know how to react. They cried, but I don't think they understood why their hearts were painful. Why everyone else was in just as much pain. When they finally understood, anger came with their understanding.

Elle always tells me that i'm so independent. That I am so mature, something I believe always bites me back. She reminds me that I am who I am because I stepped up when I was needed. I may not have helped many people, but I helped the people who needed me.

How do I tell her that i'm not as strong as what others think? I'm not as strong as she thinks. For everything they see right, there is something wrong to follow. I may be independent but I hate the thought of someone being angry at me. I hate being alone. I hate being as lonely as I feel. I hate that I was making myself out to be someone I'm not.

So who could I tell this to? How do I explain this? if I did explain, do I have answers to their follow up questions? Who would I be afterward?

I only knew two types of people I am possible of being: One who has a dad, and another who is way stronger than I am.