Love is not only Romance

Chapter 6

After I ended thing with James, you would think my friends would have my back, right? Truth is that I never felt more alone. The girls seemed to be talking to James more. They listened to him more than anything but when I had something to say, I would tell them what I felt but no one understood. I was angry. I was hurt. Maybe angrier than hurt.

I found myself leaning on Elle for support. She was always able to make me laugh whenever I felt like a sunken ship. She and Alexa are my heroes. They came across as these really childish, loud, sometimes annoying girls but they have wormed themselves into my heart and I don't regret giving up those places to them. Alexa was the one who helped me ignore the pain, she helped me to focus on the light and not just my darkness while Elle was trying to teach me to embrace my darkness.

I tear up while thinking of these days, they didn't know what they were doing and how they helped me become who I am now. Elle doesn't know that the more time I spent with her; I saw that there was so much more to life than I thought. She showed me all the parts of myself that I thought I lost.

The group despised the fact that I spent so much of my time with Elle. How could they be squad goals if one of their members were barely with them anymore? I didn't know if I was right or wrong with everything? maybe I was being selfish. So, with that in my mind and the desire to stop all the fighting, I spent more time with the group.

I had gotten so used to being around Elle and Alexa. Being away from them made me think. What if I was imposing on them? I just added myself to the equation not knowing if it would balance. I continuously pushed that gut-punching feeling away. I didn't want the thoughts of being unwanted in Elle's life.

Throughout it all, jealously brewed in my best friend at the time. Samantha didn’t tell me but when I found out later on it made sense. All the times she rolled her eyes when I spoke to Elle. The snide comments she passed when I mentioned Elle. I didn't realize that maybe I was hurting her. I truly didn't mean to. Things happen in life and we can't help it. It can leave you heartbroken, but it all happens for a reason. But at the end of the day, I'm glad that things ended the way they did. I hurt her and she hurt me, but Sam and I still talk, we're okay even though we made all those stupid mistakes. We have grown.

It was the third term of grade 9 when I had my first panic attack. It happened during a free period. I don't know what triggered it, but I still feel that fear that consumed me. I was so naïve to anxiety. I didn't know what it truly held above my head. In those moments, I felt like I would die. My lungs closed up, not allowing any air in and out of my being. My head pounded like the alarm that woke me up every day. Everything was blurry and my ears didn't register anything. I could hear the girls trying to ask me what was going on, but I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how I can make myself scream for help. They tried to help but sadly, they had no idea of what was happening. Honestly neither did I and that scared me.

Moments passed, and nothing brightened up. I was shaking due to my lack of breathing. Fear had me frozen. I wanted to scream. In that moment, I felt like I was dying. The scary thing is that I remember hoping I was.

Like a ray of sunshine through the storm clouds, Elle appeared. She spoke to me and suddenly I could only hear her. I could only focus on her telling me to breathe while she counted. I could only focus on her hand holding mine and reminding me that I'm not going to die.

The attack faded and my breathing became somewhat normal. When the world looked less chaotic, and I could feel my senses settling, I cried. And it was Elle's should on which I let my tears fall.