THE OUTCAST

Chapter 3- LIZA

Eli and I take a seat at the far end of the five tables. Although I have no appetite, I know that I must eat or my body will not produce enought milk to supply my ravenous son. I give him knuckle of my left hand to suck, and his scrunhed face relaxes until he realize that nothing is coming out. Stiffening his body in its cocoon of blankets, his face darkens and his mouth splts open in a silent ,frustrated wail. Then he gets his breath, and oh, what a breath it is! The entire House seems to reveberate with the intensity of his screams, and Iam again amazed at how much noise can come from one so young.

placing him againts my shoulder, I sing the lullaby my mamm sang to lea and me: Schlah, kindlein, schlaf! der vater hut' die schaf: die mutter shuttelt's baumelein , da falt herab ein traumelein. Schlaf , kindlein, schlaf!" I stroke his downy hair and pat his bottom, but this does nothing to help. I am working my legs over the bench so i can go into the next room and not disturb anyone's meal, when a hand brushes my shoulder.

Turning ,I look up into the smiling face of Judah King.

"Let me take him" he say. "You eat". I glance down the long row of tables flanked by my sister's family and friends who are all watching us with a knowing gleam in their eyes.

"No," I whisper "They'll talk".

Judah shrugs. "What does that matter? they'll talk anyways"

With great reluctance, I pass Eli up to him. My eyes well with the image of my image of my child tucked against a Man's work-hardened chest. I know that feeling of masculine security is not one Eli will often experience.

judah sits on the bench across from me. I won't give everyone the satisfaction of glancing down the table again, but inside my heart skitters against my ribs.

"what you doing?" I whisper, staring at my plate.

"Your name will be mud if you sit with me."

Judah tears off a piece of my brot and pops it into his mouth. Swallowing , he says, "What do i care about names?"

"You will once you lose it"

"Do you care?"

I nod but keep my eyes where they are . The pineapple gravy pooled on the schunke and gemaeschde grummbeere has started to congeal."Yes, I care", I say. "But not for me. from him." I look up long enough to nod at Eli.

"Then why don't the two of you leave?"

"And go where?" I snap.

"I don't know, back to Lancaster?"

"I can't bring more shame upon my parents by raising a fatherless child under their roof. Beside ,my dawdy won't let me come back."

Judah winces at this. Then he says , " Why don't we just leave?"

"What do you mean?"

"You and I, we could leave the church."

Hope causes my eyes to rise up to meet Judah'sand I see there is not a hint of jesting in them.

"But why! Why would you suggest that?"

He looks down at Eli, whose fingers are curled around his face like sunflower. "Because nobody should live in a place where they're not welcomed."

"Oh, Eli'll be welcomed . The community won't punish him from my sins."

"That's not what I'm talking about. I'm saying that you shouldn't live in a place where you're not welcomed."

"We must stop talking like this," I say. "I'm not just going to run away with you. I-I can't."

Judah King extends a hand toward me, and then looks down the length of the tables to where his brother sits, watchings us with disapproval in his eyes . Retracting his hand just as Tobias had done at the funeral, Judah'sjaw begins to throb. "I'm not talking about running away; I'm talking about getting married."

"So you can make an honest woman of me?.

"No, Liza . So I can make you my wife?"

I point to the bright bundle nestled against Judah's chest. "And are you ready to be Eli's father, even though you don't know who the real father is?"

"Wouldn't you tell me if we were married?"

"Never. That's a secret I'll take to my grave."

"Never? Judah leans back on the bench and searches my eyes . "You'll never tell?"

"No."

He nod "Well, I can respect that decision, but I want you to know that it doesn't change mine. I'm leaving Copper Creek in a month. I hope you'll have your answer by then."

"I can't promise I will."

"I know. I never asked you to promise anything."

He comes around to my side of the table and passes back my son. In just a few minutes, my arms have grown unaccustomed to Eli's warm weight. As I watch Judah King stride out of his family home with his shoulders squared, I let myself imagine how it would be to share the burden of raising this child together.

Even with a man I can never let my self love.

-----------------A M O S-----------------------------✂

"Judah!" Tobias's voice zigzags across the floor like a lightning bolt. As my youngest closes the front door and shrugs off his jacket and hat, there is something stronger than frustration yet weaker than anger simmering in his eyes. Perhaps because of this he does not enter the den where the call emanated from, but walk over to the kitchen to kiss my wife's cheek. Her round face blossoms with love, and she reaches into the jar behind the kochoffe and passes Judah two molasses cookies.

"You want millich?" she asks as if our youngest is two instead of twenty.

Judah shakes his head and grins until his eyes sparkle and dimples appear. Passing the cookies back to his mother, he sighs and strides into the den. "Yeah?" Judah says before he's even seen his brother . "What do you want?".

Tobias's lips tighten. Folding his hand on my old desk, he says , "I just wanted to see how you are. You left the meal early today."

"It being Dawdy's funeral and all, i thought people would understand that wasn't hungry."

"Yes, that's understandable. What isn't is why you were speaking with Liza McFadden."

Judah slouches against the doorframe. "I'd say what isn't understandable is why nobody will speak with Liza McFadden."

"She's borne a child out of wedlock . Do I really need to give you any more explanation than that?"

"Actually," Judah says. "you do. It's obvious Liza did not conceive that child alone. Why aren't measures being taken to find out who the father is?"

"Because it my be difficult. How are we to know she's only been with one man?"

The angles of my young son's face sharpen; the hands that have been dangling at his sides clench into fists.

"Because iknow Liza."

Tilting his dark head, Tobias rests one finger against his skull and smiles. "Do you, Judah? the two of you were just children when we moved. A lot can happen in ten years. A person can really change."

Looking straight at his brother, Judah says, "Tell me about it?"

Tobias's smile disappears. He refolds his hand. "Why are you being so defensive of her? is there something between you and Liza that i should know about?"

"No." Judah replies, staring at the hook rug beneath the bdesk. "There's never been anything but friendship between us."

"That's a relief."

Judah's head pops up. "Why? Did you really think I could be Eli's father?"

"Over the past few months, the thought's crossed my mind, I'd have to be blind not to see how crazy you are about her."

"Then I guess you're about to think I'm even crazier. Today I asked Liza to be my wife , and she said she'd give me her decision soon."

"Oh, Judah," Tobias moans. "You didn't."

Stridding up to my desk, judah places his hands on the oiled wood. "Yes. I did. Somebody's got to right by that woman, and it's going to be me."

"This isn't some charity act here; we're talking about marriage!"

Judah forcefully presses his palms on top of the desk until the veins crisscrossing his hand protrude. "I know exactly what we're talking about!"

"No, you don't! You're twenty years old, and you still live at home with you mudder!"

"Yeah, well, you're thirty-two and you're just following in your dead vadder's footsteps!"

It hurts so much to eavesdrop on this conversation between my sons that I wish I could turn away. Then Tobias clenches his jaw and says, "I forbid it. Now that dawdy's gone , I'm the bishop, and refuse to bless your union with Liza."

"You wouldn't be the one to marry us, anyways! If she says yes, we're leaving the church. There's no way I would keep subjecting Liza and Eli to this community's cruel treatment!"

Tobias looks out the window. The sky is so black and starless, I know he cannot see anything. Stil , his gaze does not waver as he says "We're both tired; we're both grieving. I fear that if this conversation continues, we will both say things we will later regret."

Judah nods. "You're right; this conversation does need to stop. But you should know that i meant everything I've said tonight, and I would say it all over again if we continued this conversation in the morning."

With this , Judah pivots on his booted feet and marches toward the door. Before he opens it, Tobias calls out to him. Judah pauses but does not turn around as his brother says, "She won't marry you, you know"

My youngest asks once his breath return, "And how do you know that?"

"Because Liza won't leave her twin behind, specially considering Leah's condition and if she wont't leave her twin, you will have to remain in the church to be near her.And if you remain in the church , I won't marry you".

Tobias pauses and stares at his brother's back. "It's as simple as that."

Straightening his spine, Judah says, "We'll see," then flings open the door and stalks out of the house.

He spends the rst of the night in the barn grieving for many things. Although the haze of my own emotions will not allo me to see his thoughts, I know the majority of his tears are not shed over me.