THE OUTCAST

Chapter 4

After I return from the Kings', I check in on Leah and find

month-old, Jonathan, is curled in the crook of her arm.

that she is sleeping as soundly as when I left. Her eight-

his diaper and clothes.

the bed, I carry Jonathan over to the cedar chest to change

nects to Lea's nightgown like an umbilical cord. Laying

soapy cloth. Although he's known since birth that I am not

Icarry Jonathan over to the rocking chair and unfasten

nuzzles at my breast. Instinctively, my milk lets down.

A sparkling chain of drool drips from his mouth and con-

Eli, who drifted off during the short buggy ride home, on

Leah, once I button his pants and pick him up, his mouth

Jonathan's eyes peek open as I wipe his bottom with a soapy cloth. Although he's known since birth that I am not

Lea, once I button his pants and pick him up, his mouth

nuzzles at my breast. Instinctively, my milk lets down.

I carry Jonathan over to the rocking chair and unfasten the top layer of my cape dress. Latching onto me, he roots

and kneads like a greedy kitten. I am about to switch sides

when he stops suckling and looks up. The almond-colored

liquid dribbles from the corner of his smiling mouth. I run

a hand over his thin brown hair.

"You're a sweet bobbel" I croon. "Yes, a very sweet bobbel."

Leah rasps from the bed, "Liza? That you?"

"Yes, Sister. It's me."

Lea struggles to sit up. Even that small effort expends

her energy. I watch the blue tributary throb at the hollow

of my sister's temple; her once-berry-red lips pinch with

pain. Being as private as our mamm, if not more so, Lea

does not often reveal her physical ailments. But I am also

the one who changes her sheets and does her laundry, and

I know the bleeding has not stopped since Jonathan was

born.

"How was the funeral?"

I blink and look over. Lea's eyes mirror her worry. But

her selflessness would never permit Lea to worry about

herself. No, she is worried about me.

"Just great," I say. "Everyone's so kind here in Copper

Creek."

Lea flinches. I am flooded with guilt, yet still infuriated that she has made herself sick worrying over the fate of

her newly fallen sister, when she needs to focus on regain-

ing her strength.

"No, really. It was a nice service. Tobias did a good job."

A smile smooths the furrows plowed across her forehead. "Im glad," she whispers. "I wish I could have gone. To be there for him, you know."

And when has Bishop Tobias ever been there for you? But

I know this question would only fill Lea with more pain

than her answer would be worth.

So I say instead, "I'm sure Tobias missed you, but I'm

also sure he understands your need for rest."

My sister's gaze falls to her child in my arms. Tears fill

her eyes.

I ask, "Vas es letz?"

"Im not fit to be his mudder. Not swallowing, Lea plucks at her lank hair and thin cotton gown" not like this. The other kinner are old enough to get by, especially with Miriam almost grown, but what about Jonathan?"

Just like when we were children, I dart over to try and calm lea's fears. I stroke her hair and hold her birdbone hand is mine , but it is if she doesn't even know Iam here.

"You're tired, Lea. That is all. If we could just rebuild your strength, you soon be back to your normal self."

"My normal self?" She laughs. "Even at my best, I was never like you. You gave birth less than three months ago, and already you're back taking care of me"

"What if I wrote Mamm and asked her to send some herbs?"

Lea hold out a hand. "Tobias doesn't like putting faith in such things."

I bite my tongue to prevent a scathing reply, but Lea can still read my expression.

"What is it, liza?" she asks. "What about my husband bothers you so?"

Instead of looking at my twin, I glance down the length of bed where my own son slumbers with his chubby arms far flung and mouth gaping wide. How amazing it must feel to be protected. It seems like years since I havent felt vulnerable, but I know it must be only months.

"I don't know, Lea. I guess, at first, I resented Tobias because he took you away from me. Now.. . now it seems he holds this strange power over you, and you cant say or do anything without asking his permission, just like Dawdy always lorded over Mamm and us."

Sitting up, my sister reaches for Jonathan. I pass him to her without disturbing his rest, and she drapes him across her lap like a blanket. "Tobias is my husband," she says.

"The head of our home. The Bible calls mne to submit to him, to get his permission before I do things."

"Like take an herb? Like going to see a doctor when you so obviously need to? That kind of submission you will never see from me!"

"Are you saying that I am in the wrong?That I should defy my husband?"

"No. I am saying that be is in the wrong by not getting you the help you need!"

Either from the severity in our voices or the bony thighs he is resting upon, Jonathan awakens and begins to cry.

Lea mistakes his brutzing for hunger and brings him to

her breast, which he will not take since he is already full

from mine.

Her face twisted with anguish, Leah looks up. "See?"

she says. "My own body can't bring him nourishment!"

"You dont know that."

"Yes, I do. I think you should nurse Jonathan. Just until

hes stronger or I am stronger. The way I am now, he is not

getting the nourishment he needs. Look at the diferences

in our sons, Rachel."

My eyes do as they've been told. I note that though there is a five-and-a-half-month gap between Eli and Jonathan, their bodies are almost the same size. Jonathan has a balding scalp that is spotted with flakes of dandruff; Eli's hair is corn-tassel

blond that already shows hints of curl.

"Will you do that for me, Rachel?" my twin asks, clenching my hand between hers. "Will you take care of my son as if he is your own?"

Removing myself from her grip, I say, "I cant. You know I can't. Tobias wouldn't want Jonathan being nursed by me."

Lea leans in until her stale breath fluffs the few hairs that have slipped from my kapp. "Tobias will let you nurse Jonathan," she says. "At least til I can get back on my feet. You must trust me on this."

I look into my twin's face, at the passion that dabs color into her thin cheeks and stirs the blue cauldrons of her eyes. "All right," I say, only to appease her. "If Tobias agrees to it, Ill be a nursemaid to Jonathan, but you will always be his mother."

Satisfied, Lea leans back against the pillows and closes her eyes. "Oh, I'm not worried about that. Somehow children always know who their real parents are."