Tangled in Notes

Chapter Thirty-Two

I was on my way to KL Hospital to meet Dr. McKinley. I was honestly nervous – well, I was nervous every time I go inside– but it was yesterday, what if he scolds me for not taking my therapy yesterday?

I was having these reddish bumps in my skin again and now that I was aware that I’m sick, I didn’t even wonder why.

“Doctor?” I entered his office without knocking because we were both – again – used to us seeing each other often. “Dr. McKinley?” I walked towards his desk and peeped through his dark lab where he usually injects me anti-trypsin.

“Oh! Julia, you’re here?” He was across the room and I could see his half body over the glass wall. “Why weren’t you here yesterday? I was worried that something might have happened to you.” He walked out and joined me in his office.

I looked down embarrassed. “Uhm… I was going to doctor, but… uh…” I gasped for air. “Let’s just say there was an emergency and I was needed really bad.”

He nodded and smiled. “I’m letting you off for this time but don’t get too used to it, Ji Yoon. You might enjoy missing the therapies and forget what it contributes to your health.”

I smiled. “I won’t doctor.”

We ran our usual tests and such, injected me a couple of times, done the therapies and like any other day, we were sitting in his office like a normal patient-doctor relationship.

“Well, it’s not really good news, but the last time we checked your health, the result…”

“What is it, doctor?” I asked a little confused. I’m sick, okay. I accept that now.

“Well we diagnosed bronchitis. But we’re not yet positive that’s for sure. It may be because of what you’re doing. Remember when I said A1AD might bring you lung problems? That.”

“O-Okay? So, what should I do doctor?”

“I’m not really sure if you’re following my orders Ji Yoon, but if you keep tiring yourself, it would be a problem. Are you continuing with your inhaler and the medicines I gave you?”

“I am.” Speaking of that, I should probably buy a new one.

He looked down and looked for something. “I suggest you start telling your guardians, Julia. I don’t want you to deal with this alone. Okay?”

I nodded. “T-That… bronchitis… doctor… that’s not really a worry right?”

He gulped and bit his upper lip.

“I guess, it is.”

“Julia, lung problems will never be a not-worry. They’re naturally problems.”

“I-I’ll see you again, tomorrow, doctor.”

I took the new inhaler out of side desk and gasped for air. I closed my eyes in sooth. I took in my medicines and lied down my bed thinking of so many things.

Now I understand. Maybe dad had this disease but he never told us. That must've been the reason why he coughed almost every day. Must've been why he always wore knits and long sleeved shirts. Now I understand.

What can I do? It's not like I can take it off of my body. I didn't want this. "Tell me dad." I looked at my snowball. "Why— why, of all people, why does it have to be me?" I asked with a heavy sigh. "Why does it have to be you, dad?"

I sighed.

Life's unfair after all. I need to live life happily and worth it. I can't live life like a sick ill girl with no happiness. I will continue my own thing and act as if nothing's wrong. "Smile. It's the most wonderful and precious thing in the world." said Dad I won't change.

I stared at the CD Sean gave me. It was the demo cd I gave him during the last lesson. When I opened it up in my laptop, only two files were there; one, the mp3 I recorded; and two, a document.

I clicked it and I was surprised when I saw some of my lyrics. I assumed that the bold ones were the one he edited and I was excited despite the fact that I was ashamed of my voice. The chorus hit me. It was entirely changed – actually almost the whole song.

It’s so hard to let go of the memories of you

Watching as the colors fade into the dark alone

If you only knew, everyday I’m blue

You’re a memory, I can’t forget…

I smiled out of nowhere. “Julia… in a garden, which flower do you pick first?” He is something – something else – in a good way.

I have decided. If I wanted to live my life to the fullest, I need to do everything I want and that wouldn’t be possible if I don’t do everything that makes me happy.

Armin knew about me. Yesterday, we ate dinner together in my apartment and he accidentally saw my medical certificate. It was a certificate given by Dr. McKinley. He told me it would be necessary someday so he told me to keep one. I bought everything he told me have. Inhalers, the medicine.

Now I have to add up weekly injections in my budget list. They cost me a month of food and if I didn’t care about my life, I could’ve just given up and killed myself.

It’s Saturday so it’s supposed to be my third lesson with Armin. I wasn’t in the mood so I messaged him that I couldn’t make it today besides, he had chills, I didn’t know if he was better enough to have the lesson with me. I reasoned out a cold but I’m guessing he doesn’t buy it.

I frowned.

“Julia?” I turned to the manager.

“Yes, manager?”

“I think there are a lot of people outside right now. Go work when you’re ready.” She smiled and I nodded bowing as she leaves the room.

When I reached outside, I wore my mascot and started to do my responsibility as a mascot of Toy Empire. I loved my job even if it was tiring. It makes me happy to see kids happy to see me.

Indeed, there were a lot of people than normal days. Maybe because Christmas is coming really soon.

As I was handing flyers to strangers walking pass me, I received a call. I hurriedly grabbed my phone from my pocket and saw Armin’s caller ID. I answered. “Hello?”

“Where are you right now?” He asked.

“I-“ I paused and looked at my surrounding. If I tell him I was working, he’d definitely scold and yell at me. “I’m in my apartment. I’m doing something for English class.”

“Really?”      

“A-Ahuh.” I pressed my lips together. I was lying and he’d know that by now.

“Are you deaf or something? Or is your apartment sound-proof now? So which is it?” he suddenly asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know, I’m ringing your doorbell right now. It’s weird that I don’t hear it in your line at this moment.”

I gulped hard as my eyes began to widen. “A-Ah! H—? I think I’m losing you, Mi— Hel—?” I ended the call and sighed in relief. Gosh. He had to be there. I can’t believe he just trapped me with his words. I sighed and continued to work.

At the strike of 10, I feel my stomach growl. “I’m so hungry.” I said rubbing my tummy. I gulped hard and watched as people eat something from the shop next door. I sighed and I felt relieved when I sat down the bench.

“Hi.”

I flinched a little – from my seat – in fright as I turned to see who it was. I was more than surprised when Jared stood in front of me. My jaws dropped as he gives me a warm smile – a smile he never showed me as Julia. He sat down next to me.

“I told you I’d meet you again.”

I gulped hard. Should I be happy that he actually talks – and smiles – to my mascot-self or not? It’s giving me so many chills. I stared at him. His eyes looked happy and sad at the same time. He was the only person that could do that.

“Someone ditched me today.”

My eyes widened. Yep, that’s me alright.

“I’m not really blaming her since I ditched her too.” He blinked and did not looked at me instead, he stared at the busy street.

Then I coughed. My eyes grew wider. Oh no. He looked at me with a frown. Did he recognize my voice?

“Are you okay?”

I covered my mouth blinking many times. I didn’t have a marker so I couldn’t respond anything today, which was fine. I was tired and I wasn’t really in a good condition. My head felt so heavy.

“Last Friday night, I waited for someone to appear in a certain place I told her.” He sighed and looked at his fingers. Then I remembered… Ysabelle… Jared… Everything came back in my brain. “I waited for her there. For more than three hours.” He chuckled. “Three hours, that’s a lot to take.”

All the guilt I’ve been feeling ran through me but on the other side of my brain felt angry that he – this guy – threw a pillow in my head after I took responsibility for him. I looked at him. He looked like he was really happy about it though.

He turned his head to me. “Honestly,” he paused looking at his fingers that were playing each other. “I didn’t know why I waited for her that long. I’m not actually someone who would be waiting for someone.”

I couldn’t respond. I’m sorry. I thought and bowed my head down.

“That girl, is someone you couldn’t stand for even a minute so I didn’t know how I managed to make myself, stand her that long.” He sighed. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m so confused.”

I stared at Jared. Right now, the sun hitting his face made him look like an angel. I didn’t know why my heart raised. He was showing me his soft part and this was a way God gave me to understand him better.

“There’s something about that girl. I don’t like her but every time I’m with her,” he suddenly said. Somehow it felt like an indirect confession but somehow, I was just really assuming. “I feel lighter.” His lips curved into a smile. “I want her to understand me but, I’m not good at expressing myself.”

I do want to understand you, Jared. Can you hear me? I hope you do.

“The other night, I got sick because of her. She came and took care of me.” He smiled at himself.

I frowned and smiled.

“It’s stupid of me to throw her the pillow beside me but, I just wanted her to stay next to me.” My lips parted in shock. H-He wanted me… to stay with him?

He suddenly chuckled. “It’s funny. I didn’t want her to leave but she took it the wrong way. I was going to hold her hand and ask her to stay with me, but then she’d feel uncomfortable.” He sighed.

I blinked for a moment. I was trying to internalize everything he said and it just made my heart beat like crazy. What’s he trying to say? Gosh. My head feels so confused right now.

I was surprised when he suddenly wrapped his arms around me – around the mascot I was wearing. I could feel his tight hug around me. I could feel his chin over my shoulder. It was so tight that I was feeling so nervous and suffocated. I couldn’t see his face or his actions but his hug certainly told me that he was grateful.

I gulped hard.

“Thank you,” he mumbled near my ears. “—for listening. I just don’t know what to do if I don’t spill it out anymore. I’d tell Sean but then again, he’d only irritate me.”

He stared at me. My heart was still pounding fast. I wanted to speak but I realized I couldn’t. Why can’t he just open up like that – to me, or to any member of the club? I’d like him that way.