How It Feels to be Lost

Prologue

Reading became my escape, 

Their world is a lot different compared to ours,

Their not worrying about anything,

They spend their day by having fun,

enjoying and appreciating every single thing.

March 24, 2011 

Dear Diary, 

They say that every person has their own unique purpose, but is that even true? 

Well, just like the usual haha, here I am, doing the same routine, over and over again. Waking up at 7 in the morning, opening all the windows of my room to see and be thankful for a nice view of my surroundings and for a dose of fresh air coming from the trees around me, hearing the birds chirp while reading a book, enjoying a nice meal and a great cup of coffee; no cream, no sugar, just black. It always went just like this. Hmm, well, the only difference is that today, I've made a friend. When I took a walk downtown around 12 in the afternoon, I bumped into this girl, while sipping in a cup of iced coffee. Her name is Vienna, she was sad for some reason, so I asked her why, and she said she got into an argument with her brother, that's why she ran away. I asked her if we could like go to this fast food chain since we're both hungry, and that we should also go and visit the park, it's a good thing that she agreed. We ate lunch, we went to the park and we talked about her problem, uhm, correction: not just her problem, but like, we talked a lot. I even told her the lesson I've learned from the book I've read last week. After hours, I finally drove her home. When I dropped her off, Mr. Moon waves meaning that day time is already done. By 6:50 in the evening, I'm finally at home, I greeted my mom as I entered the door, I headed to my room, lie awake in my bed with my lights switched off, sniffing an amazing scent of lavender aroma coming out of my little air humidifier, hearing the ticks and tocks made by the clock, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the time to pass by. Letting myself drowning and lost in my own hundreds and thousand thoughts. Wondering and always having an unswerable question inside my head. It's a bit weird how I always see myself at this point wherein I can't help but to think of something unusual, like somehow relate the stories I've read into reality. It's just so confusing and surprising at the same time, because I never expected that this kind of things will be a part of my normal everyday routine and the fact that I can't even surpass a single day without doing them. 

A thought just popped out of my head. Making me remember the book I've read last week, entitled The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry; where even the rose, the fox, and the stars themselves have their own purpose. Is it really true that you were alive because of a purpose? Or maybe because you have a mission? A mission that is worthy of being done by you and only you? Uh, this thing sucks, I've been in this world for 20 years and counting, yet I still don't know the reason behind all of this. I mean I don't even know what I was born for at the first place. 

I guess, this is all of what I can say for today. Thank you for your cooperation my dear diary. I never had a real friend to talk to about my experiences before, it's a good thing that you're here. I really hope that one day, you'll be able to read my sweet messages and my encounters. Thank you for being one of my escapes from this reality.

Your beautiful owner, 

Hetalia

*The day after*

March 25, 2011

Dear Diary,

I just woke up. Nothing seems new, everything goes like the usual. Just felt like I have to write something before officially starting my day, that's why I'm here. I'm listening to Grenade by Bruno Mars as I'm writing all of this down. I'm planning to spend my day at the library but

"HETALIA, GET DOWN HERE, YOU HAVE A VISITOR!!" I heard my mom shouting as I felt her footsteps rushing towards the stairs up to my room. I quickly got up and put my diary inside my bag then tossed it into the widely opened cabinet in front of me. Arghh, I didn't even finished the sentence I'm writing.

 "Who is it, mom?" I acted normally and asked in a worried tone after she opened the door and stood right beside it. She doesn't know anything about my diary and I don't have a plan of letting her know that I have one. Yeah, she is my mom, but still, there are lots of weird unimaginable stuffs written in my diary so I'll definitely feel embarrassed when she found out that I was the one who is writing those things. 

"HETALIA, IT'S ME!!" a girl with a familiar voice shouted from downstairs. 

"Do you know her, Hetalia?" Mom asked and I nodded, she went downstairs then she told my visitor to wait for a minute. After putting on a nice pair of clothes, I immediately headed downstairs. I saw Vienna sitting on the couch with a cup of hot espresso that she bought while she's on her way. 

"Mom, this is Vienna, my new friend." Mom was delightful because this is the very first time that I've introduced a friend. I've made a friend before but it didn't go that well, that's why I've decided to live this life all by myself, just me, mom, and my diary, no other friends involved. I clearly thought that my old friend will be with me through highs and lows, but I guess I might have overthinked stuffs back then. This time, everything is different, from the way me and Vienna met, the way we get to know each other more, everything. Everything is very different from the old one. Look, she's even the one who puts an effort just to see me, plus she brought me my favorite cup of hot espresso. 

"Mom, we're just gonna go to the basement." We went to the basement to play some video games and watch tons of movies together. 

"Let's have an overnight." Vienna said, so that is what happened. She is going to have an overnight here and it's gonna happen tomorrow. We made a plan for the things that we are going to do tomorrow midnight, so everything goes well as we wanted it to be. After eating lunch we drove her car and went to the nearest convenient store to buy some snacks, we both got a cup of nicely perfectly brewed coffee on our way home. I'm so happy that I found a person who's also a coffee enthusiast meaning we know the different types of coffee, the way they taste, etc. The good thing is that we both like the taste of black coffee; no cream, no sugar, just black. 

"Hey sis, do you have a boyfriend?" Vienna asked, I shook my head meaning that I don't have one. It's not that I don't like boys or whatever, I just prefer being all by myself, and I must admit the fact that I also don't wanna have a boyfriend. Uhh, whatever, I just like girls more but that does not mean that I'm a lesbian, haha.

"I'm bi," I said, she looked at me then she smiled. She don't look surprised.

"me too," She said, Mine by Taylor Swift played immediately after those words came out of her mouth, we smiled at each other while listening to the song playing at the background.

We finally arrived at my house, my mom opened the door, it's currently 3 in the afternoon. Me and Vienna went back to the basement. We continued watching movies, but this time we were watching horror movies, we hid under the blanket then laughed a lot after seeing our faces. 

"HAHAHA! You look like a hotdog afraid of being cooked!" she laughed. Dang it, why is she so cute when she starts acting like that?

"You are blushing, Hetalia." she added.

ARGHHH! mother of all cows, whyyyy? why on Earth am I blushing right now?! How I wish I could cover her eyes, it's so embarrassing!!

After the movie, we turned off the television then plugged the speaker in. She said she wants to listen to some songs so I let her pick the song she wanted. I told her stories about my past, my favorite things to do, the foods I love, my favorite scents, sceneries, my favorite books, I even told her about my weird everyday routine. (Disclaimer: I don't talk to people about my everyday routine, she's special, that's the reason why I told her at the first place.) She told me stories too, she told me about her family history, her hobbies, the way she and her old friends betrayed each other, everything. It all feels like we have met before even if we just met each other yesterday because of the way we shared our stories, we trust each other a lot. 

"Hey Hetalia, why are you blushing?" she asked.

Oh no, here we go again.

*******************************************************************************************************

Before starting my day, reading a book is my thing, and that is the part where I stopped reading the 3rd chapter of the book I just found on the internet. Isn't it funny how this book caught my attention when I was browsing through an e-book shop? I mean, it's book cover was nice, and it was also free, so I decided to add it on my to be read list, and guess what? I still have five series on the waiting line, yet I chose to read this book first. This book was entitled "Whatever Happens, Happens". It was all about a girl who fell in love with a person who is definitely her opposite, Vienna was a happy go lucky person, while Hetalia was a serious one. They live in a place where everyone is completely valid and loved. I can relate a lot to this because Hetalia was different from Vienna, and our place is also different from theirs. 

I live in a society where everyone is being controlled. A place where the people who are not accepted for being themselves will suffer. There are different privileges and different treatments. The Board knows everything, even if you try to hide it, they will do everything, as in everything to find it out, no matter what. They won't let you become what you want, they won't let you be whoever you like. There are only two sexualities allowed in this place, even loving the person with the same gender as yours is forbidden by the Board. When you chose to disobey the Board, whether your family likes it or not, you will be separated and imprisoned with the other people like you inside a place with walls until the time comes.

No one knows what is happening inside the walls, there are also rules that you are not allowed to ask anyone or anything about it. The rules indicate that anyone who dares to ask about it will face a heavy punishment. We the people of this place, don't also know who the people of the Board is, we don't know how they look like, how they became a part of it, we have no clues about their identity.

I have lots of questions inside my head, I mean, how do the Board survive living a life like that? no one knows about them, they don't have friends to talk to. All they have in life is themselves. I can't even last a day without having to see my friend Marien. She lives just two blocks away from my house. We've been friends for 7 years and counting. I can still remember every single detail from the day that we met each other. That was back April 29, I saw her in a small gathering downtown, her clothes caught my attention, it was like seeing a goddess for the first time, what she was wearing were very eye catching and I can barely tell that it was all handmade. She was looking at me and I became a bit shy because I felt like my stares were making her uncomfortable. I sip in my cup of hot coffee then I approached her after. Take note: my kind of coffee is the same as Hetalia's, no cream, no sugar, just black. Marien was wearing a nice black hooded thing that time, and it makes her look so cool. She was also drinking coffee by the moment that I saw her, and guess what, I knew that we love the same blend of coffee by the time that I saw the cup she was holding. I really want to be friends with her, that speaks the reason why I went to seat next to her with all of my confidence. We walk on our way home, I was so glad because I get to ask for her number and luckily she gave it to me, don't get me wrong, I admire her, I do. 

"SEISHA, GET DOWN HERE AND EAT YOUR MEAL!" my mom shouted that made my soul and my mind go back to reality. "IT FINALLY ARRIVED, EAT IT NOW OR YOU WILL EAT IT COLD!" she added. Well, the Board made a rule that no one should cook and that it was their duty to feed us. The Board assigned a team that will cook our foods for the rest of their lives, that's the only thing they are doing, cooking for us. There is also a team assigned to do our laundry, they were the one responsible for washing it, drying it, and ironing it. All we have to do is put our dishes and our used clothes in the hole beside the cabinet under the staircase. Every house in this place have that kind of hole, it does not look creepy, it looks like it was made intentionally, maybe that hole serves a path to where the teams are working. I badly wanna see the place where they work and how they work, but according to the rule, no one should also ask about the teams' life.

I headed downstairs and saw our food on the table, for today's breakfast, the team gave each of us a nice cup of hot brewed coffee, cinnamon french toast, pancakes, extra honey, a stick of butter, berries, bananas, and another cup of coffee prepared separately to accompany each of us for the whole day. Yesterday morning, they gave each of us a glass of protein shake, waffles, high-protein chia seed pudding, and additional berries to be put on top of the protein shake. Everyday, we have our own schedules given by the Board, it was indicated at the device placed next to our food trays. The device given produces holograms that tells us our schedule for the day. The Board wants us to maintain our healthy bodies, that is why we are not allowed to miss our workout, even just a single day of it. My schedule told me that my workout starts at 8:30 in the morning, but it is currently 7:50, I still have 80 minutes to spare. 

After eating my breakfast, I headed to my room to prepare my clothes for the day. I opened my closet and pulled out a white shirt, black jeans, white shoes, and an old style denim jacket to sum it all up. I reached for my pair of workout clothes, a black stretchable fabric sewn to perfection and was especially made for me. I took a warm bath, put on my workout clothes and headed to the basement. We live in a place where houses have the same design, finished on a way they all look alike. Each house have 3 floors in it, the first one is intended to accompany the guests, rooms are located at the second floor, we do our tasks given by the Board at the third floor, and the basement was intended for us to keep our bodies healthy. We often go outside, some of us only go out when they are tasked to do stuffs outside of their houses. 

I grabbed my cup of coffee and went on my way to Marien's house, we have the same schedule, that is why we can do our tasks together. Their house is just two blocks away from us, I went earlier than I expected. 

She was wearing a pair of white workout clothes. She looks good, she looks so good. We went to her room so that I can put my stuffs down, then we went to the basement. Their basement looks just the same as ours. Her mom and dad was not here because their schedule is not the same as mine and Marien's. We started our workout by simply stretching our body parts, then she headed to the treadmill on the corner of the basement. I went to the spin bike located at the left center of the basement. A workout song was playing, it was composed of energetic beats. It is always great to start a day like this. I can still smell the aroma of the brewed coffee coming out of our cups.

I'm still thinking, are those teams living their life the same way as we live ours? Are the members of the Board spending their mornings, afternoons, and nights like us? How does their houses look like? Is it also the same as our house? Do they have their own schedules? Are they given meals that are different from ours? Are they wearing a uniform? Do they look the same as we do? Do they live in a place away from ours? Do they speak the same language that we speak? how are they able to live a life like that?

Why aren't we allowed to ask about them?

Are they even real?

How about the huge walls? What are those for?