Royalty is not what I expected-Neither was love

Give yourself one more chance

                Feeling completely down was part of my routine. I kept having this issue every single day and not just once, but thousands of times only in 24h. Crying was my only way of passing the day. At first, I started to count how many days in a row can I cry. Then I gave up on this and started to count how many days are without me crying that much. It was pretty messed up...

                Until one day. I kept scrolling down on social media until a boy messaged me. `Well, there's nothing bad in answering him` I told to myself. And I replied to one message, then to the second one, and kept going until we spoke for hours. It was nice to speak to someone kind of freely, not having the feeling of being judged. The next day he asked me if I'd like to go out with him. `Hell yeah! Haven't socialized with someone in real life for so long!` And I accepted it. But of course, my bad moods had to show up...

`Hey, I know I told you that I'd have that coffee with you today...But I am just not in the mood anymore.` I wanted to text him this. But after a few minutes of crying, I said: `What could go wrong? Is just a coffee. Come on, you haven't done that in a while!` And never texted him that message. 

            As I was completely new in that town, I didn't know too many places where we could meet. So I arranged to see him close to my university as it was the only place I knew how to get there.

`I am here.` He texted me. But I was there too and couldn't see him. `He fooled me.` That was my first thought.

`Hang on, I'll be there in a sec. I left to get some coffee.` And I waited for him on a bench, still believing he fooled me. Until I saw him. When I first saw him I said to myself `wow, he's handsome!` and gave up on my ugly thoughts of feeling down. I really had a good time that night. He kept telling me stories about himself and his past, he felt like a sincere person and he was also funny. He made me laugh for the first time in a long time.

...

                We kept hanging out and talking every day. But we both decided to be just friends. We didn't want to make any commitment to each other. And I was completely cool with it because I gave up on searching for love. I've done that and the only thing I managed to get from searching for love is nerves because no one appreciated my soul and never tried to help me, as I did for them.

                After not so long, I asked him to hang out at my place. Watch some movie, telling stories, maybe cook something. But from one minute to another, my horrible mood showed up. And after many tries of not starting to cry, I did it. I started crying. I ran to the bathroom hoping he didn't notice anything. 

`You okay?` I heard him. 

`Yes, I am just fine. Keep doing what you were doing.` I somehow managed to stop crying and went back to the same room with him. Guess what? My great tears came out again!

`Hey, what's going on?`

`Nothing.` I said. `It's okay.`

`Uhm, no? No, it's not? You already cried in the bathroom and now too.` Well, my bathroom walls are not that strong apparently.

`Just focus on your stuff. I am fine.`

`You know I'll keep asking what's going on until you speak to me, right?` He insisted.

`It's not your thing to do. Just ignore it.`

`I want to know what's happening. I knew you're not the happiest and I noticed you're struggling with things, but now it's the moment for you to speak them out loud.` I couldn't believe that barely a stranger showed some mercy on my emotions when no one else did. So I just let my body fall on his, hugged him as hard as possible, and started to cry like a baby.

`It's okay.`He whispered. `I am here, you can talk to me. You're not alone.` These words. 

 For minutes in a row, I just cried and sit like that until I arranged my thoughts.

`I am alone. I have no one. I and my sister won't get along anymore. I miss my family and friends but they're not the same. I am not the same. I am tired. I am exhausted. I can't face this adulthood stuff. It is just not meant for me...` And kept telling him all I had in my mind. 

`First of all, you're not alone. You've got me. I know, I am still a stranger to you. But I care about you. I am here to listen to you every time you want me to. I know it's hard to make such a big change. I've been there too and I only moved a few miles away from home. It must be horrible for you to take care of yourself alone when you think there's nothing to fight for anymore.` And here's a big shock. He helped me. He spoke to me. He comforted me. I never had this before. 

And this, people, this is how I fell for him. But we were meant to be just friends, right?

                The thing is that I didn't realize it back then. My old friends told me that I would fell for him. `Hah, no way. He's not my type at all. He's just a good friend. We just make out but there's no commitment!` I don't know if I wanted to convince them about it, or me. As days flew away, I started to question myself `Do I have feelings about him? Why don't we start a relationship, we talk every day, he even found a nickname for me, we said we both like each other and still, he says he doesn't want us to be in a relationship. I guess it's my fault.` 

...

                It wasn't my fault. I talked to him and he said he just wants to be sure about making a step or not. Which made me question everything again. Why? Because he said `I love you.` I love you. How can you love someone, yet you don't want to start a relationship with that person? I had the same feeling for him. I completely fell for him. I fell in love with his eyes, smile, hair, laugh, silly jokes, the support he gave me... I fell for him as I never did to anyone before.

                As holidays were close, we decided to wait until I come back from my hometown to see how those weeks apart would be. And if things are fine and just the same, we'll finally be together. I couldn't wait for that day to come.

                It already felt overwhelming to not see him only for a few days. Even if we didn't see each other every day when I was back there, now it was different. I knew I was hundred of miles away from him and I knew I couldn't see him soon. And that was so sad for me. 

                It's been just a few days, not more than 3 days since I left. We kept talking and talking and missing each other. I had a bad mood (of course I did) and he noticed it. He asked me what's wrong, I said nothing. He kept asking until I spoke.

`I am scared. Maybe you won't feel the same.`

`What?`

`I just want to know if things should really be this way. I am worried. You won't wait for me. And I am not talking about these weeks.`

`Then what are you talking about?`

`You know I won't be there in the summer.`

`I do. I realize that. But I hope you know that I have already assumed it. I'll wait for you. These few days apart made me think about you. You and me. Just..us.`

`And? It kind of feels impossible.`

`It would be impossible just if we want it to be that way. All I know for sure is that I really do want you.`

`You what?`

`Yeah, you heard it. I do want you Lisa, and I don't think I can wait until you come back here so I can call you my girlfriend.`

`So you do want us to be an actual us.`

`Hell yeah. I do.`

And that's how we finally managed to make a commitment to each other.