Royalty is not what I expected-Neither was love

When you think there's nothing left

            Nothing ever felt like home. Nothing ever felt like I deserved it. Nothing ever simply felt like me.

I wish I could have been able to have a small biography of me, but I have no idea who I actually am. All I know for sure is that my name is Lisa and I am 20 years old. 

            My entire journey started when I first questioned my existence. And if I am being honest, my first time when I had this question in my head happened when I was just a little girl. Who am I? Why am I here? Why do I exist? Having these questions when you're around 8 years old sounds kind of scary. But they were probably meant to be there for a reason. 

            That reason showed up to be a good one years later. When I turned 18, everything seemed to be so apart. I've always been a good girl deep down. I've always loved my parents just the way they were. I always affirmed I was happy with that modest life until I realized I want more. 

            Just like most teenagers, I wanted to go to study abroad at a university. It felt pretty impossible for me as long as I knew this dream of mine would cost me a lot of money. Yet my parents accepted it, way too hard, but of course, you have to fight for your dreams. So turning 18 came with some responsibilities just because I became an adult now. Didn't really felt like it, tho. I still lived with my parents and I still wasn't independent. I had to take a good mark on my big exam that could allow me to go to university. That was my only thing to worry about back then. How cute! As I managed to get an 8,76 out of 10, which is not that bad, I became so excited and decided to apply to a university abroad. I applied happily to study `Letters`- which means studying languages with all that comes: literature and also linguistics of two different languages. That summer was full of surprises: finally turned 18, I was now an adult and I could get my driving license, which I did and succeeded in both exams by the first try! I finally got my first job in a flower shop and I completely loved it. I was able to spend the money that I worked for however I wanted. After that, I got accepted to this university and I couldn't be more thankful. Yet, something didn't feel right...

            All those things that were supposed to make me happy actually made me feel exhausted. But I didn't realize that on time. I know, they're just regular things, but it is harder when you have to make them on your own without having anyone's support. I wish I heard my parents say: We are proud of you! We knew you were capable of this! But I didn't. You wanna know what I heard instead? Yes, my little girl got a great mark on that exam, she got her driving license easily and honest and also got accepted to university!  She's smart, we gave our best to make her succeed. They were simply praising to people with my work. They loved telling others how I succeeded but never said to me: We are proud. No, they weren't proud. They just wanted people to think it's their worth. When it wasn't. Because I studied, I wanted to, I spent days and nights stressed out, I gave all my best when I could have simply chosen the easy way. But I didn't notice that in time. I felt like I owed my parents. I have no idea why, I just wanted to make them proud that I forgot what I want. I've chased their dream thinking it is my dream. And of course, it felt like it's too late to change things.

            The big moment of finally moving out happened on 28 September. I remember how I couldn't find a place to stay while studying abroad and how stressed I've been. I started to look for places to rent on 27 of September, called many numbers and as I found only one place available I accepted it. The next day I packed my stuff and just moved out. Just like that. I was so excited but never knew what's up next. Moving out at 18 years old so far away from home is probably the biggest dream of any teenager. Guys, believe me. It's not that easy. Why am I saying this? No one prepared you for what's about to come, believe me. First of all, you have to be responsible. Yeah, seems easy, right? It is not. Well, let me shortly describe it to you: You have to clean. You have to do the laundry, make your bed, wash the dishes, EAT. Every single day! You have to choose 3 meals PER DAY TO EAT. And also prepare them! You have to take care of yourself, and in my case, of the cat too. You need to pay your rent and bills, you have to watch out how you spend your money. You have to study, relax, to have a social life too. There's a lot of things, believe me. Sounds easy to have a social life? It's not. Why? Because you don't have enough time for that! And why don't you have time? Because you have to do all these things alone. Yes, this is the worst part. I like to be alone. But I hate to feel lonely. This is the first thing I learned since I moved out. There's such a big difference between those two.

            I hated it. I hated that I had no friends there. I knew no one. I always said there's enough time for me to make friends. But as I felt sadder and sadder, I've lost any interest in making friends. I've realized how my old friends are not really my friends. I felt so bad all the time until I started to think of simply ending everything. I wanted to give up. Until one of the most important things in my life happened.