The Road Trip

Chapter 7 - Guilt Like No Other

Chapter 7

Guilt Like No Other

The second we exited the hospital doors, Alex cheered up. He gripped my hand tightly while shoving the rest of his cookie down his throat. A small smile graced his lips, raising my spirits a little bit. I have to admit, the warm air on my skin did make me feel better. It was a lot more refreshing than the stale hospital air.

"Addie! Wait! Please!" Josh continued to yell. I could hear his footsteps running towards me, but I did my best to ignore him. I was really in no mood to ‘talk.’ Especially with him. He was the one who ruined Trent. Well, partially him. The other part, Alexandria, had yet to show herself. She was a stupid, self-centered b***h.

"Addie, aren't we going to wait for him?" Alex asked innocently, looking up at me through his blond curls. I smiled, shaking my head lightly. He didn't know about Josh. Alex had only been two when Josh left. The child frowned but didn't question my judgment.

“Addison," Josh whined. I realized, with panic, he was closer this time. I ignored him again, dragging Alex across the busy street carefully. The second our feet touched the green grass of the park Alex ripped his hand from my grasp and ran towards the playground equipment. I watched with amusement as he tried to clip up a slide. "Really? You're going to ignore me?"

I sighed, "Not in the mood, Josh." To emphasize my statement, I stalked over to a bench and plopped myself down. Obviously not taking my hint, he strutted over and sat next to me. He was uncomfortably close. "What will it take for you to leave?" I groaned, placing my head in my hands. Did I not have enough to worry about already?

He was silent for a moment, "I'll have to think about that. But, while I think, let me ask this; how have you been?" I frowned, giving in. He is an inconceivable jerk.

"At the moment, not good. Trent is in the hospital because of me." My words stung. I realized for the first time just how hurt I was by my actions. The doctor said he would be alright, and that one thought was my lifeline. If he had died, I would never have been able to forgive myself.

"Whoa really?" Josh chuckled, slapping my back, "Feisty girl, I like it." I looked at him in horror, tears burning in my eyes. How could he even say that!? The smile whipped off his face immediately, replaced with a look of shock. "I... I didn't mean it like that, Addie. Shoot, I just-"

"Don't bother explaining," I said, cutting him off and turned away. Had I even really liked him once upon a time? That seemed impossible. He started muttering something to himself, which sounded suspiciously like cursing. Suddenly, I couldn’t stop myself from asking the question I had been wondering since I saw him in the elevator. "Why are you back?" Even I flinched at the harshness of my voice, but I refused to back down.

"I told you because my mom is dying." He placed a hand on my shoulder, which I shook off immediately. I refused to let him think he was forgiven. "Addie, I know I hurt you and Trent but-"

"Me?!" I asked, my eyes growing wide. I spun around to face him, anger blazing. "Forget about me, Josh, because I'm a minuscule part of the hurt damage you caused. In fact, forget about Trent, because you didn't even cause him a significant amount of pain compared to your parents. You're their only son, Josh, and you let them think you were dead!"

He gaped at me in shock, probably because he had never heard me speak so fiercely. Heck, I was surprised with myself. But I couldn't stop. "Two years, Josh. Two freaking years and you suddenly come back because your mother is dying?! Why?! Because she may be dying physically now, but she really died two years ago the day you hit the road. She is just now leaving us, but she hasn't truly been here since the day you left."

I was shaking with rage. Why? Because he hurt my whole town. My city wasn't that big, so everyone was connected. Everyone was practically family. When they announced Josh Bowman's death, everyone mourned. It wasn't just his parents or Trent that he effected, it was the whole community. That's not just something that you forgive and forget.

"Addie," He whispered, glaring at the ground, "If I had stayed here I would really be dead right now." I blinked back tears, staring at him with hatred. Even though he looked so small and mortified, I couldn’t find a shred of sympathy. "Alexandria convinced me to leave because I was going to commit suicide, okay?! She found me just before I slit my throat."

It was like having an out of body experience. I felt my jaw drop open, and a loud gasp left my throat, but I was almost positive that I wasn’t the one controlling my actions. I hated Josh; I shouldn’t care. That shouldn’t affect me.

"She drove me out of town just to get away for a few days. I was going to come back after I cleared my head. But...We were out in the woods all alone...I'm not even sure anymore what exactly happened. One thing lead to another and...." He stopped, glancing at me cautiously. "I have a one-year-old daughter, Addie."

I laughed humorlessly, "Yeah, right." There was no way. Alexandria had been my best friend. I knew her. She wouldn't give her virginity to a guy in the woods when she was fifteen. Especially since it was Josh, she had known I had really liked him. She wasn’t that type of girl.

"It's true! Her name is Marie," He ran a hand through his hair, "You can meet her later when Alexandria brings her to meet her grandma before she dies." Wait, he was serious? He really had a daughter. "I thought I was doing the right thing by not coming back. Alexandria didn't want to face her parents with her pregnancy, and neither did I. You know how religious her parents are. I got a job and eventually, we bought a small apartment. Those nine months before the baby came I spent every second I could working. Somehow we had enough money to pay the bills and have been barely getting by ever since." He looked at me dead in the eye, looking pained. "Everyone is going to hate me, so I really need a friend. Can't you try and understand, Addie?"

My mouth had gone dry. This really was unbelievable. Alexandria and Josh had been friends when they both disappeared it had just been assumed something terrible had happened. My town was fairly small, so teens didn’t generally just vanish without a trace. There had been some crazy theories over the years, but nothing like this.

"I-I don't know, Josh." I felt so conflicted. Part of me wanted to believe him, but the other was a little doubtful. However, I had never been a bad person. I was way too nice for my own good. I could already feel my resolve and hatred fading away.

"Just consider it then," He sighed, leaning back. For a moment, we sat in complete silence. I could see Alex playing on the playground, laughing with some little girl his age. It was cute, and yet I couldn’t make myself smile. "Alexandria is excited to see you.” He said casually, shrugging his shoulders like it was no big deal.

I gulped, blinking. Alexandria had been gone for so long, I thought she had passed away as well. But, in reality, she was off having a baby. I never expected that of her.

"How is she doing?" I asked despite myself. You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat. After all, she had been my best friend. Of course, I was a little concerned.

"Not too well...." He hesitated, looking off into the distance, "We aren’t together. We live together, yes, but it’s all for Marie. She has been pushing me to be her actual boyfriend, not just Marie's father who is there all the time, but I....I just don't love her, you know?" I felt my anger flare. Even if I was insanely mad at her, I felt the need to defend Alexandria.

"You should've thought of that before you knocked her up." I hissed, standing up abruptly. I marched over to Alex, who was now playing in the volleyball pit. "Hey little man, time to go."

"Addie!" Alex cried, glancing up from his sand pile, "Make a sand castle with me!" It wasn't exactly a sand castle, it was more like a mountain.

"I have a better idea. If your mom says yes, do you want to go to the lake for the day?" I needed to get out of there, and the lake seemed like a logical place. It was relaxing, and after the story, I had just heard, which may or may not have been a load of crap, I needed all the relaxation I could get.

"Yes!" His pile of sand was already forgotten as he started running towards the busy street.

"Alex, wait!" I called desperately, flinging myself at the toddler. Somehow, I managed to grab him before he was flattened by a truck. I grabbed my dance bag and handed the kid another cookie, which he took gratefully. That's one good thing about little kids, they are entertained easily. Josh had disappeared, which I took as a blessing.

It took us a while to make it back to the hospital. Alex's little legs prevented him from moving too quickly, and he was too focused on his cookie to pay attention. When we did reach Trent's room, Paisley was still laying down on the bed. She was awake, however, and apparently awaiting our return. My stomach twisted at the sight of her. What if she was mad at me?

"Addison," She said with a small smile, "Come here, please." I gulped, picking Alex from the ground and setting him next to his mother. He didn't even look up from his chocolate chip cookie, typical of a four-year-old.

"Yes, ma'am?" I asked, slowly sitting down on the edge of the bed. My stomach was twisting into nervous knots. Awaiting her response was like torture. She sat there and gulped, playing with her fingers.

She coughed. "I'm not mad at you. I was just surprised, that's all." I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders as I sighed in relief. "Oh, the doctors said he won't be needing surgery after all. They were able to control the bleeding. They're just going to keep him here for a few days to monitor him."

"Oh my god, that's great!" I smiled, happy Trent would be alright. The surgery thing was freaking me out, to be honest. How could a girl my size crack a skull?! It would be hard to believe that I could cause that much damage. Paisley nodded, hugging Alex. I could tell she was relieved, and I didn't blame her. Heck, even I was relieved.

"Knock knock!" My mother's voice said, making me turn. She looked a little frightened, with a frown on her face. Her hands were full of Wendy's food. Alex laughed, lunging for her.

"Calm down, bud." I laughed, picking him up and setting him on the bed. I quickly pulled over the moving table and set his food in front of him. He immediately dug into his chicken nuggets, shoving them into his face without any particular care that they actually went into his mouth.

"How's he doing?" My mom asked, gripping Paisley's hand for support. She quickly explained, telling her that they were keeping Trent downstairs for the time being. He needed to be monitored while the anesthesia wore off. By that time Alex had finished his chicken nuggets and was getting restless, fidgeting with the machines that sat by the hospital bed.

"Hey guys, I think I'm going to take Alex to the lake for the rest of the day. That is, if it's okay with both of you." I added, looking to Paisley for approval.

"I think that's a great idea!" My mom chirped, probably grateful for the peace and quiet. This was stressful enough on the two of them. "I'll call you if anything changes." I nodded, scooping the kid into my arms and grabbing my dance bag.

"We're going to the lake?" Alex asked with wide eyes.

"We sure are!" I sang, ticking his stomach. He giggled, smiling widely. He had always loved the water, he would grow up to be like his big brother, Trent. My stomach clenched at the thought of him. No, Addie, don't think about it. You'll just feel worse. When we got downstairs, I placed Alex in my mother's van. Because we often drove him around, we had a spare car seat in the back, ready for use.

"Are you going to play with me at the lake?" Alex asked, yawning. I laughed, glancing at him from the rear-view mirror as I pulled out of the parking lot.

“Of course, little man," I said, giving him a smile. He smiled back, content to look out the window for the rest of the ride. It only took about ten minutes to reach my house from the hospital, and by that time Alex was out like a light. His head hung to the side; a nice line of drool hung out of his open mouth.

Now, I wasn’t Alex’s mother, but I had become pretty skilled in removing him from the car seat without waking him up. I was able to unbuckle him, grip him under the shoulders, and transfer his heavy head to my shoulder in one smooth motion. He moved briefly, but then snuggled into my neck.

As I got ready, I set Alex down on my bed. He wouldn't be waking up anytime soon, so I flipped on the TV and turned it to America’s Next Top Model.

I put on my bathing suit - a bright pink bikini with brown polka dots - and pulled on some shorts and a tank top for a coverup. Usually, I wouldn't have bothered with a shirt, but my room was chilly. Then I braided my hair and sat down onto the bed next to Alex to finish the episode of ANTM.

Alex woke up just as a girl named Renee was being kicked off. “Where’s the lake?” Alex mumbled tiredly, rubbing his eyes. I laughed, running my fingers through his tousled curls.

“We’re about to leave. Come on, let’s get ready.”

'Getting ready' consisted of me getting Alex into his blue swimming suit, grabbing suntan lotion and sunblock, and grabbing the towels and lake toys from the garage. I also made sure to grab some stuff so we could have a picnic dinner before we left the lake.

I had to force Alex back into the car seat. I didn’t know what had been up with him lately, but he had been having major mood swings.

It looked like I would be having a really long day.