Honey, why?

1. Summertime Sadness

My best friend impatiently honked the horn once again as she waits for me outside. I'm beginning to think that I should have just accepted Luke's offer to drive me back home instead of going with Bash. If only he hadn't made a ridiculous proposition.

"Ready to go home?" Lucy stands by the door, one hand on her slim waist. "You should get your own driver's license so you don't have to deal with rude, impatient chauffeurs." Her slight smirk made me giggle.

I threw my backpack on my shoulder and grabbed my phone from the table which had been vibrating nonstop, Chad's number displaying on the screen. I swear my best friend couldn't be more frustrating. I took one step and the wooden floorboard beneath creaked. I hope Lucy and I would get assigned to a better room once the school officially starts. I'm just grateful that I have secured her being my roommate. Mom was right about me attending the early week-long orientation. Now there is almost nothing I have to be worried about.  "You know how I get nervous - "

"Around reckless drivers. Yeah, yeah." She rolled her eyes, waving a hand, dismissing my excuse. "You're so lucky people fall on your feet to take care of you."

I don't know if she meant it as an offense or not, because that's just how she talks: with raw honesty though she's always been sensitive in her choice of words. So I decided not to reply. "Well, I'll see you at the beginning of the school year, Luce. You enjoy your summer." I smiled widely at her. 

She just nodded and moved back as she let me through. She didn't use to be this... cold. Maybe she's just going through something. This whole orientation week that we had in the university, we kept each other company but she'd been distant to me. I expect otherwise since she'd always been bubbly and approachable and talkative, and we'd been good friends albeit not that close to each other because she'd always been in her own little world with her boyfriend. Oh, I mean her ex-boyfriend, our classmate Fonzie. I heard he's leaving to go back to his country to finish university there. I heard the break up between them didn't end on a good term.

One of the seniors who facilitated our orientation is walking towards me as I pass by the main lobby, his eyebrow, raised. "You leaving already, Evans? I thought you signed up for our summer writing camp as well."

There was another honking from outside and as much as I want to have a polite conversation with Georges, I know I have to cut this short. "Maybe next year, when I'm all settled in. I'm sorry but I really have to go." I apologized as I hurry out the door. 

The main lobby was empty because there weren't many students who partook in the early orientation. Some of them plan to go to the one which will be happening a week before the beginning of the school year. I just want to get this done because I still have some volunteering to do and I also promised my aunt that I'd help her out in her bakery. What my summer will be is not so different from last year's. Thinking about it, I can still vividly see what I was doing that whole time especially the day before the school began. Oh, boy. How could I forget? It was the summer that changed everything.

Summer 2009

It was the last day before school begins and I felt like I haven't gotten any vacation at all. Don't get me wrong, I love being productive and helpful but because of accepting too many things to do, I feel so drained. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Oh, yeah. I have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. It's like I'm on my period all the time.

Like every other hot summer night, the world was sleeping yet again through another calamity. How can it rest so peacefully at times like this? Two months. This whole summer, he has been texting me.

School officially starts tomorrow and here I am still suspended in the clouds, high from what I hope was a serious case of skinny love. I refused to believe otherwise.

I wanted to scream so loud but I just suppressed it back until my chest was about to explode and my eyes became teary from the lack of oxygen as I held my breath for a few seconds.

I was at loss of what to do next.

Lying next to me was my sister, sleeping so soundly under the covers, even snoring a little. I knew I can't wake her, or the whole house for that matter, just because he was flirting with me - I mean, texting me. Just because he's texting me.

But seriously, Lily has to go back to her own room and stop being such a kid. Well, okay, she was still a twelve-year-old kid but come on. Grow up, kid! It's not like I still sleep with mom and dad that age...

Well, I did. But in my defense, it was not every day that I do! I only slept with them when I had nightmares or when I was scared... Much like whenever Lily was sleeping next to me. Okay, I should've let this matter go. It's a good thing that my brother was not such a scaredy cat as my sister and I. I glanced at Schrödinger as I mentally said the word cat and realized that there were three coward members of this family.

Ugh. I checked my phone again and realized that it been a few minutes and I still hadn't gotten a reply from him, so I decided to finally go to bed. He must have fallen asleep. We had to wake up early, after all. Or is he texting someone else? Gah! Ace! Stop thinking that way! Enough of that. Enough of him.

I set my phone on my bedside table and winced as I lied back down to bed. Every night, my muscles were always sore from my lessons and my heart was even sorer from my unrequited love. Cries.

After I worked with mom for almost a month, I went back to continue practicing in the studio. Though I was kinda back to groping in the dark because Trevor, my partner for forever, had moved at the end of school year across the continent with his family and I was given a new partner who I was not so familiar with. His name is Abel. Aunt Emmy had partnered me with this boy who was the same height as me, with a lean figure and short black hair. Oh, and he also has a huge crush on one of my best friends, Luke. Apparently, Luke was famous not only on our campus but also around other schools as well.

Abel had been bombarding me with questions about him all summer, and in return, he'd been helping me with my own crush dilemma. And dam, he's a good love advisor. Just what one would expect from someone who'd been in four relationships since middle school. The guy had more action than I'd ever had.  Only, some - okay most of what he would do doesn't seem right if I apply it to my own scenario.

And he was a great dancer, too. Much better than me, really. Whenever we get applauded by the whole class, I felt so shy because I knew they were only applauding him. I was just being taken away by the current, or should I say, by the tide that was Abel.

At least I got stuck with someone that I actually liked. All the other girls in the studio seemed snob and they didn't return the smiles I've been giving them. And the guys were no better.

"b***h, please. Don't even bother wasting your brain cells on them," Abel would always retort whenever I'd tell him of my concerns.

Abel said they were just jealous. Of course, they were. I have a great partner and they must've felt that I'm kinda cheating since my aunt was our instructor and that she gave me the best dancer as a partner. Of course, they'd be jealous. At least Abel doesn't feel that way. He's cool. Why isn't he attending my school again?

I like him, I do. My only qualm about him was that he never seems to get my name right.

"You always put yourself down, Quinn. Do you have an inferiority complex or something?" he'd say.

I didn't even know who the heck Quinn is. Maybe I reminded him of her. I tried to ask him, but he's like le petit prince, dodging questions like a pro and changing the subject faster than one could say sheep.

In the end, I just let him call me that. Didn't make any difference, really. And I'd gotten quite used to the name. Though I'm still not sure I understand why he calls my secret crush "Finn", and I would soon find out three months later during a slumber party with my family and my closest friends at the Parriston Hotel.

I gently pressed three fingers at the side of my neck, feeling the muscles strained. My phone vibrated and I slid my hand up to look at it. I squinted my eyes to read the words clearly, but soon I gave up and groped for my eyeglasses on my bedside table. Immediately, my heart began to race faster than a Cadillac as the message became clear to me.

When I was fully awake, I quietly rolled out of bed, careful not to put too much movement doing so and risk waking Lily, to get some ice pack all the while trying once more and failing yet again to divert my thoughts from the love of my life.

The trip to and back from the kitchen made me get not only the ice pack but also three pieces of chicken nuggets which I ate on the way to my room. I wiped my fingers at my robe and flinched as I thought of how my crush would react if he saw me do that. 

I pressed the ice pack on my neck and slid down my chaise lounge.

"Aaaaaaah... Much better," I muttered to myself.

Did I mention that we have not only been text mates? He'd also call me from time to time, all the way from Italy. I know it was expensive but he didn't seem to mind. Not as much as my mom, to whom I had to explain why there appeared to be overseas calls from my monthly phone bill, would be.

He'd call mostly at nights to talk about almost everything or nothing. What seems to be the most important things in the world and the most useless things.

Our conversation once went from the masterpiece above the Sistine Chapel and how we both want to see that in person, to the tiny pebbles stuck at the bottom of his feet as he took a walk down to the beach near their estate. I laughed my bum off when I heard him screaming because he felt something crawling up his toe which turned out to be a small white baby crab.

I even pictured him walking on the shoreline, trying not to get caught by the current. The sky was a vivid shade of blue and it's difficult to distinguish it from the skies above which were of the same hue. When he laughed, his voice reached me from that part of the world and I could suddenly see the wrinkles of his green eyes and his straight small white teeth as his lips turned up widely.

I felt sad for not having to be able to make most of my vacation. I envy him for having such a perfect getaway. He told me that next summer, he'd gladly tour me around Saridinia should I decide to plan to spend my vacation there. My heart leapt from my chest as I tried to make my voice sound even.

But I wish he'd talk about himself, too, and I figured I won't push him if he doesn't want to bring it up. But it has been two months now. I mean, like, it's not like I'm counting or anything, okay? And we've technically known each other for four years. So why not get personal with me now that we seem to be closer than ever?

I felt my phone vibrate from the pocket of my pink satin robe and I almost dropped it as I was jolted back to the present. I began reading his messages.

The first one says:

But it's such a cute sock!

We were just texting about him buying a pair of blue baby socks because his baby nephew Matty left one of his in their home during his visit to his elder cousin. Nobody would ever peg him to be someone who'd be a goner for cute things.

I bit a throw pillow and shut my eyes as I let out a tiny squeal. He always makes me feel giddy but my eyes went to slits when I opened his other message which read:

You asleep now, B?

I breathed my excitement out. I glanced at my clock and holy cow, it was almost 2 am and school starts tomorrow but I was still sitting here on my chair trying to catch my breath and trying not to die.

You needed to calm down, Ace. But SUGAR-HONEY-ICED-TEA. I hadn't even replied to his first text message and he already texted again. Excited much? I began texting him back.

B? What B?

My phone was all wet from the sweat rushing out of my palms. I clutched it to my chest, willing my heart to return to its normal beating. It wouldn't listen.

He always texts in complete words, and I love that about him so much. Unlike other people who abbreviate "you" to "u", he always makes you feel like you're important to him, that's why he takes the time and effort to send you complete and unabbreviated words. He's never too lazy to send you messages without any shortened words because he feels like you deserve more than that.

At least, that's how I see it and I'm pretty sure that that's exactly how it is to him. He's always been so polite and charming and smart and kind and perfect. That's why I complete my text messages now. And I don't use numbers to replace letters anymore. Yep, I know. Guilty as charged.

And I have never felt more mature. Oh, his effect on me. I felt the vibration on my boobs and I almost cried out.

Thank God, you're still up. I thought you'd left me.

Me? Left him? Never. He was the one who took too much time sending me a reply. Sheesh. Then came another message.

B.

Babe.

Baby.

I haven't even had time to react when he sent another one that made my heartbeat and breathing stopped altogether.

You're my baby.

Okay. I officially died. Please write a proper obituary for the poor pimply teenage girl who died due to the overflowing happiness and emotion she has inside of her body, caused by the Italian hotness that is none other than this boy right here. And please don't forget to do the three things: cremate, donate, celebrate.

Cremate my remains, donate my stuff to charity, and don't cry over me. Instead, I want you to celebrate. Celebrate the wonderful life that I've had the fortune to live.

It must have taken me an eternity musing about what he just sent me because of what he texted next.

B? You must have fallen asleep now. Sorry to keep you up late. I'm just so excited I'll see you again. Can't wait. Sweet dreams. See you later, alligator.

Why does he have to be so adorable? I typed in: After a while, crocodile. It's kinda like our little thing.

Bye, bye, butterfly.

Gotta scat, kitty cat.

Out the door, dinosaur.

See ya soon, raccoon.

In the morn, unicorn.

But I held myself back. I was too conflicted about sending it or not. He will know that I was still awake and maybe he'll feel like I just rejected him by not replying to his You're-my-babe text message. I sigh.

Oh crap, no! I shouldn't sigh! Another angel has fallen! Grrr. I really have to think before doing anything. It's just that my head feels like it's afloat right now.

Anyway, that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach returned and I just can't help but wonder whether this thing that we have, this thing that we have been doing, was better off like this. You know, if we were better off as text mates and not as classmates. I'm afraid that if we see each other in person, we'll go back to being what we were before. What if I became awkward and he realized that he liked me better talking on the screen than face to face with him? Oh, no. Please, no.

In the end, I decided not to reply to him. It was just too much for me right now and my thoughts made me feel kinda worked up. He sure knows how to get my mind riled up. I'll just text him later. He's not going anywhere, anyway.

Schrödinger meowed somewhere near and I sat up to look for him. I saw his tail rose up near my vanity and I moved with such stealth my uncle will be so proud of and jumped at my gray Chartreux. He just looked at me blankly none the bit least affected by my surprise ninja move. Heartless cat. Still, I rubbed his ears and neck which earned me a satisfied purr. I snickered quietly before going back to bed.

Oh yeah, B has a cat, too, Homer. I smiled to myself as I think about him and me having the same preference in pets. I mean, I love animals but it just made me feel more connected to him somehow to know that we both have a pet cat.

Lying down beside my little sister, I glanced at my phone once more. It sure was easier to talk to someone you can't see. It was as if he was a stranger and you could just pour your heart out to him. Even though he seems to be doing otherwise...

Stretching my body, I suddenly feel tired. All these feeling was invested in, they made me so emotionally exhausted. The upside was that I'm happy. This was how it's supposed to be like, I think. Like I'm like a little kid feeling giddy over a new pet or a Christmas present or a birthday surprise. I want to believe in this. I want this to be real.

But somehow, there was still this knot in my gut that prevents me from giving in. I have thought of all the possible reasons of why we should be together, of why it would be okay for me to let go of my inhibitions and just go for him, I mean, be honest with him.

Then I remembered her. His first love. Then there are a lot of hers... them... I shook all of those thoughts out of my mind. Everything was already spinning and I really need to get some sleep.

I rolled to my side and opened that one little text message that I was not planning to delete even if I got a new phone, wanting it to be the last thing that I'll ever read before closing my eyes and shutting the world out of my head.